So Far Away

A version of this song came up in my "suggested videos" rotation on Facebook recently: Carole King, So Far Away  So poignant, and lovely.

Humble

Tiny Dog has been restless, and vaguely uncomfortable, and so I tucked her in to a dog bed on my lap while I sat at the computer in the hopes it would help her get some rest. She looks so humble -- the photo completely belies her fierce nature. 

Bless her tiny furry heart. 

Thirty-Two

Thirty-two years ago, on a clear Friday afternoon, I turned in my senior thesis to my advisor, and then went for a walk in a lovely green area near campus with then-Beloved-Boyfriend.  He had flown up from his desert land to my humid east-coast state to attend an end-of-year formal with me. I hadn't seen him for three or four months previously -- we were in the midst of our ultimately three-and-a-half years of long distance -- and it was a curiously calm sensation, to be together. Or perhaps it was the absence of longing to be together, that made everything seem so tranquil. We sat under a beautiful leafy tree, and he asked me a certain question. I responded, and then we walked back to campus, newly engaged. 

It was a most memorable day. 

Ladies in the House

 I really, really enjoy shopping for accoutrements for the bunny trio.

Oceanside Sunset

This, is glorious. 

Ever wish you could have seen something in person?

Someday. 

Photos Copyright 2021, Mediocria Firma.

All rights reserved. Used with gratitude.

Things to Do

 One of my big projects ends mid-May, and so I've started making a list of Things To Do, not only to celebrate completion of that project, but also, to begin to ease myself back into the world. (I'm in no hurry to get back into the world. But if I am going to travel to see my parents or Cherished Friend at some point in the future, I need to get back to Ordinary Public Activities.) Let's see -- so far, I have (starting small, and increasing in complexity):

1. Go in-person to the pet store to get rabbit supplies

2. Go for a hike someplace nice. Perhaps Aguirre Springs

3. Go to one of my favorite outdoor places, such as White Sands or Carlsbad Caverns

I... can't think of anything else right now. I'm struggling with fatigue and migraine (still), and it's hard to find the motivation to plan activities, let alone execute such plans. Perhaps, though, being outside for a bit will make Things Better. 

There will be better days. 

A new blossom sprouts from the roots.

I hope for the same for myself, as well. 

One Year Later

 How it was:

How it's going:

What a long, hard year.

And yet: merely one year. 

Character

The lady bunnies are camera-shy. The mustachioed bunny, however, lounges spectacularly when he is out-and-about for free range time. 

He is adorable, and warms the heart. He is learning to be held, which is a necessity because he tends to get tangles in his wispy fur around his ears and needs tending to his coiffure. 

Good boy, Mr. Bun.

Chaps

 Oh, Facebook ads. This is... swimwear? Chaps? Both, simultaneously? What does that look like when wet? So many questions. 

Making Trouble

 The mustachioed bun has learned how to hop up onto a ledge in the family room, and has tried to explore the waste basket, the DVD player, the rock collection, and other items there. He is clever and speedy, and will no doubt make trouble. 

So cute. 

NYOOM!

Next To Me

 Today's earworm: Next to Me (Imagine Dragons). 

I like this song, despite the undercurrent in the lyrics of one person being a disastrous mess while the other person stands by them. (That type of relationship is so often portrayed in the media as romantic and noble, even though it can, in fact, be codependent and unhealthy.) Let's ignore that issue for the moment, though, because this song is lovely. 

I hope you enjoy. 

Okay

 Herself speaks.

Earlier this week, at the end of a conversation, a person said to me, "Sounds like you're doing fine overall." 

And I suppose I am, all things considered. I'm gainfully employed; I have a side Opportunity that I'm also working on that I overall enjoy; I have good health, all things considered; all of my basic needs are extremely well met, with a nice house, plenty of fresh food, heat (and air conditioning already, since this is the Desert), clean water, clothing; I have extras -- like the Trio of Bunnies; I have the funds to care for my two elderly and ailing chihuahuas. It's all good.

The pieces with which I struggle right now, are some intangibles/invisibles. 

I am concerned about my parents, who are doing well but are, in truth, increasingly very elderly: when will it be safe to visit them again? And accompanying that, the usual travel dread involving airports and hours and motion sickness and trips both literally and metaphorically outside of my comfort zone.

I worry about the Offspring, who continue to try to pave their ways in the world in the face of the pandemic. It is tricky. I don't know how to make it easier for them.  

I miss Cherished Friend. When will it be safe to visit him, too? 

I don't have enough free time spent with Beloved Husband. He works so hard. I do all I can to help him. Is it enough? 

I don't know how long Tiny Dog will last. I don't know what will happen when it's her Time. And will New Old Dog outlive her? He seems frail as well. This waiting is hard.

I am lonely. But cannot, at this point, bring myself to go out in public/interact with strangers. Because Plague. When will this change? 

I am struggling to lose weight. Which seems so petty -- but yet, I long to be at a weight where, if I go to the doctor, any mention of any problem is no longer addressed by advice to reduce the number of pounds shown on the scale. Arthritic finger? Lose weight. For f*ck's sake. 

I am having trouble finding things to write. Because of the intangibles/invisibles above. And that makes me sad, too. 

I know things will get better. And that I am, overall, doing Okay. I could stand to be doing a little better, though. 

Tiny Dog contemplates Life. 

Learning about Furniture

The bun beans -- nearly full grown now -- are quite adventuresome. 

Couch Time

I have a migraine. Tiny Dog is taking advantage of the situation, to score some extra couch time together.

She is... frail. And loved. 

Pets

Ummmm... Chewy, what type of pet, exactly, are you contemplating that might wear these? Oh, dear. 

View From Above

The small dogs, elderly and frail, nevertheless work hard to ensure the safety of my ankles. 

Barrier

The vet let us know that since we have one boy bunny and two girl bunnies, it will be best to separate them until they can be neutered/spayed. And so, a chastity barrier has been... erected. 

Hear Me

 Herself speaks.

A thing that seems to be especially important to me lately: being heard. 

I very rarely speak aloud in front of other people, unless I have something to say. I do, like many people, occasionally talk to myself -- but if there's someone else in my physical presence, the vast majority of the time I will specifically be attempting to initiate a conversation/elicit a response/impart information that needs acknowledgement. 

As a result, I am sometimes perplexed when a listener says nothing. I know that there may be an issue of a listener not knowing whether a response is required, or not knowing what to say and therefore saying nothing. I struggle with these because in my procedural manual, if one is not sure or doesn't know, one says so. I don't think I have an issue with silence per se -- just silence when I am expecting not-silence. On the other hand, I know that I do have an issue with feeling that my words are unimportant, or not worthy of response or even of hearing out in full. 

I feel at times that I am an alien living on this planet, still trying to understand the Rules. I suspect that despite over half a century on earth, I nevertheless have not mastered communication. 

One thing that is clear, though: to know that someone takes the time to listen to what I have to say, and show that they have listened, warms my heart, and makes me feel validated.

“Being heard is so close to being loved, that for the average person they are almost indistinguishable.”  — David Augsburger

Gender Reveal Party

The flock o'buns had their very first vet visit today. Everyone is well and healthy, thank goodness. And now we know everyone's gender: the bun with the lop ears and brown spots is a girl; one of the fluffy white buns -- the sassy one, whom I once found halfway up the stairs -- is also a girl; and the gigantic mustachioed fluffy one is the boy. I'll have to set up a bachelor pad for him shortly, lest we be up to our eyeballs in wee buns. When he's four months old (approximately six weeks from now), we'll have him neutered. Then he can rejoin the ladies, and we'll have them spayed in due course. 

They are extremely cute. I wish I was more delighted to have them here. Right now, though, all I feel is the weight of responsibility and the consternation of trying to figure out the best way to care for them - food and habitat and keeping them clean and making sure they get enough exercise and everything. I know that a greater love will come, and that I will grow extremely fond of them in time. 

I think, too, that the ache in my heart from other unrelated causes is occupying a lot of space right now, and that I will need to look at those feelings and come to terms with them so that the ache will shrink. There will then be so much more space for love to blossom.

One day at a time. 

Tiny Ray of Sunshine

Yesterday morning, I took Tiny Dog to the vet for a follow up on her heart disease. 

I read back over all of her records, the vet said. I didn't realize that she has had heart disease for *so long*. Four years! She is doing really well, all things considered. She's on all the meds we have available for heart disease right now, so if she starts going downhill again, all we can do is increase the diuretic. You have done a really good job with all her pills all this time. 

I am reasonably sure that he was kindly advising me that Tiny Dog's days are numbered and that we've done the best we can for her.

It's hard to wait, Not Knowing, for what is inevitable. In the meanwhile, though, we do what we can to enjoy her. The weather is good, so I take her out to bake in the sunshine a little bit here and there. We go for a short walk in the early evening. She gets good meals. I wear her in the dog sling while I do my chores -- I know it's a little bananas, but she truly seems to enjoy it, and I want to make sure that she feels comfortable, safe, and loved for however much time she has left. 

We love you, Tiny Dog. 

Exploring

Lovely Offspring the First has completed another trip around the sun. How can it be, that I have an Offspring who is twenty-eight years old? I still feel twenty-something inside, myself. 

It has been a long hard year: for her birthday last year, we were all in Lockdown. This year, things are slowly opening up -- yet caution is still very much warranted. She has indicated that she is the only one among her friends and coworkers who has not yet caught COVID. We would like to keep it that way. 

Offspring the First, you are so kind and thoughtful, and you try so hard. It is unfair that you have to make your way through this Pandemic, when you should be able to explore the world freely. I wish for so much more for you. 

Stay the course, beautiful child. I wish for all Good Things for you, always. And I am here for you, should you ever be in need.

Lounging

Trio

New Residents

Tiny Dog is concerned about the new household residents. 

TRX

In the quest for a good mental getaway, I have found this RV: the Phoenix TRX.  I'm rather partial to the configuration with a dinette and couch (rather than two couches). It seems like a great vehicle for a solitary adventure, with just the right amount of space, storage, pantry, kitchen, dry bath, everything that is needed and nothing more. True, one would have to fold down the couch into a bed to sleep really comfortably, but that's OK -- the arrangement does not need a slideout, thereby minimizing extra weight and reducing a need to a large parking space. 

It's a bit hard to find videos showing the vehicle online, but there are a few (here's one), and I find them soothing. I don't know where I'd go, but I do know what I'd pack. Perhaps someday. We'll see. 

Image found here: https://familyrvingmag.com/2019/12/02/phoenix-trx/