Signage

Lunch Box

I bought myself a new lunch box, and picked this one specifically so I could say, "ALPACA LUNCH". Hee. 

Mars

 Today's earworm: Run Away To Mars (by TALK). 

This is absolutely the saddest song I have heard in living memory. I am not sure why it is so devastating. I have listened to it twice, and may not be able to listen to it further. 

Still. If you need a song that grabs your heart and rips it right out of your chest, this is it. Listen, and let out all the pain you have been hiding deep down inside. 

Beautiful. 

Bechdel failure

I bought a new sun shirt yesterday, and the tags did not pass the Bechdel Test.

"Designed by Women, For Women." "Boyfriend Fit."

Really?

Oy.

Bun Loaf Finesse

Squishy

All

Today is one of those days, were I feel as if I have given my All.

My bucket is empty. And my efforts to enlist some kind of buttress -- whether in the form of sympathy, or pleasant distraction, or actual sitting-down-and-trying-to-explain-how-I-feel-and-asking-for-things -- are... for naught. 

I want to make excuses for other people. They're just busy. They are thinking of other matters more pressing to them. They don't realize that I'm struggling. I haven't explained myself plainly. They can't fix the big things, and since they don't understand the value of the small things when I'm struggling, they do no things. They are uncomfortable with unhappy emotions. It is too much. 

I feel the weight of my own emotions, and I hesitate to ask anyone to carry a piece of my burden. No one wants that. No one should have to carry that. 

They are good people. It simply means that what I need, they cannot provide.

Sometimes I wonder - if I didn't reach out to others, how long would it take them to reach out to me? And I am never quite confident in what my heart tells me in response to that question.

-----

I am going to take a short break, until I can get myself into a better frame of mind. I might try to post a daily photograph of something Happy. Perhaps that will lead me down a better road.

We shall see. 

Hungry

 Today's earworm (which has probably been an earworm before): Hungry Heart (Bruce Springsteen). 

It is always cheerful. That's how I would like to be. 

Enjoy. 

Not That

 Herself speaks.

Bodily issues today. You have been warned.

-----

I do my best not to flinch during the exam. My efforts are always in vain, though, because it is not at all comfortable. The issues have become increasingly problematic over time, and no amount of mentally willing things to be better or to go away has been successful. 

"It's time to do surgery to fix that," my ob/gyn said. 

He's right. It doesn't make it any less... unpleasant, though.

-----

He and I had discussed the matter before -- I have a lengthy and somewhat fraught medical history when it comes to ladybits, and this particular problem has waxed and waned over the years. We've tried to resolve the matter with medications, but those are not without their own problematic side effects. 

It's just the way I was made, with temperamental and sensitive and delicate components. No one's fault, just a quirk of nature. (Given the choice, I would most definitely choose some other quirk of nature to tackle. Something that involved an elbow or a foot or even a kidney or something else besides ladybits.) I was dealt an unfortunate hand. 

I try not to be bitter. Sometimes, though, I think about the fact that for much of my post-puberty youthful years, I was often plagued by rumors about being promiscuous. And the truth of the matter is that even if I wanted to amply sample the available... wares out there, I would not be able to do so, because the ladybits would not have cooperated. They require special consideration. 

Oh, well. Maybe in another life, I will be able to be a successful courtesan. 

-----

Surgery was scheduled for today, but had to be rescheduled since I caught Offspring the Third's COVID. I would like the wait not to be too long, because I am very ready to move forward now that the decision has been made. I need to temper my expectations - it will not be a quick fix to solve all the issues. It might provide some solid years of relief, though. I don't know how painful it might be. At least they are doing me the service of knocking me out completely; I cannot fathom tolerating matters while awake. 

Surgery is always a risk. I try not to think about what will happen if something goes wrong. It makes me queasy. It's best not to imagine worst-case scenarios in this situation. 

I am... not happy. But I have reached the point when something needs to be done to make things better. Hopefully, this will help. 

We shall see. Stay tuned.

Found on Etsy - ArtbyAnnaalvarado. Perfect.

On Marriage

When I laid down on my quarantine cot last night and contemplated what words to use to describe Beloved Husband's any my thirty-first anniversary, I was a bit at a loss. Sometimes, when there are too many possible words, the simplest route is to choose the small ones -- a description of the ordinary, of just the facts. When one is so very close to a situation, it is easier to write about the trees rather than about the whole forest. Sometimes even picking an individual tree as a starting point is nearly impossible. 

Occasionally, a theme can provide structure: for example, Pandemic marriage. As I sit here in the early hours of daylight today, after a night of COVID-induced sleepless ruminations, let's take a deeper dive, shall we?

-----

The Pandemic has been a crucible for so many marriages. So many complicating factors: close-quarters lockdowns for extended periods of time, job and money uncertainty, illness, caretaking, worry about extended family members, political polarization, and more. Some of these factors did not have as significant an impact for us, because this is a seasoned marriage that has already survived years of complexity, including the birth, growth, and near-launching of multiple offspring; career changes; moves; financial ups and downs; illness and death of elderly extended family members; good times, bad times, and all the times in between. We are fortunate, too, in that work has continued essentially uninterrupted throughout the Pandemic, and has provided an outlet for productivity and consistent income. Nevertheless, there have still been some challenges in the Pandemic. 

In the Pandemic, how does a person individually go about his or her life as fully as possible, while minimizing the impact of one's own activity on the spouse? How much socializing, travel, even in-person-work-meetings, is an acceptable level of risk? Acceptable to whom? What if "acceptability" varies among spouses? And when the Pandemic virus inevitably comes home to roost, what happens then? What caretaking must be given, what taking-over-of-the-ill-spouse's-activities should be done? Who shepherds the plague-stricken Offspring through the health care system? Who ensures the smooth running of the household in the face of illness, and is it different from in times of health?

And so we see marriage through a particular lens: contemplating how one's actions may impact another person's life, and contemplating how supporting that person may impact one's own life. Marriage is to think not only of oneself, but of another.  Obligations and promises: for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health. Choices made, every day, to uphold those vows. This is why it is often referred to as "building a life together": brick after brick of daily mundane decisions, paths so intertwined as to render it difficult on occasion to pinpoint the boundaries of each individual's wants and needs within the intersections. 

The biggest challenge: to remain an individual within the partnership. To be a whole person, not just a spouse. To tend to those obligations and promises of marriage, without being defined by them or consumed by them. 

Through marriage, we each learn not only about the other, but also about our individual selves. What do I want? What do I need? What will bring me greatest fulfillment? And how do I find those things, as I move through life in co-orbit with my spouse?

Day by day, step by step, on we go. Through the Pandemic, and beyond. 

"A long marriage is two people trying to dance a duet and two solos at the same time." - Anne Taylor Fleming

In Sickness and in Health

Married, 31 years today.

It was a quiet anniversary celebration: work as usual, a take-out dinner eaten at a social distance to try to ensure Beloved Husband does not become re-infected with COVID, an exchange of thoughtful gifts and cards, and finally, him falling asleep in his comfy chair while was in my study, putting black electrical tape over the printer power button so I don't have to keep unplugging it when I retire to my quarantine lair for the evening. 

This is marriage for over half one's lifetime, in the heart of late Pandemic. The time has all gone by in the blink of an eye, as we have grown into middle age, both separately and together. I look forward to seeing what the future still holds. 

Happy anniversary, Beloved. 

Friend of a Friend

 Herself speaks.

Things that are delightful and ever so slightly bittersweet: it appears that Cherished Friend has acquired Oceanside Friends. 

This is marvelous. What I want more than anything is for him to find what brings him contentment, especially people with whom he can spend time. I hope that they appreciate the fact that his trust is hard-won. They are fortunate to to have his company. 

It is also slightly bittersweet, for it means that ultimately, he is less available to me. Because life has been a bit... fraught, I know that I have been reaching out to him more than perhaps usual for moral support. And yet, due to his admirable dedication to purity of focus when with someone (how can I learn to be that way?), he doesn't respond if he is out with friends. That is to be expected. The problem, in fact, lies with me. 

It has taken me a great many years to come to terms with the idea that just because someone doesn't reply to a bid for conversation, that doesn't mean they are annoyed or angry with me or tired of me. (Ah, abandonment issues, how you creep in to everything.) Cherished Friend -- like most people -- is available when he is available, and is not when he is not.  It seems to me, from careful analysis of the data over the years, that his occasional Silences appear to have absolutely nothing to do with me, but everything to do with what is going on with him, whether inside his head or in life in general. And I respect that. A need for solitude or quiet should trump a need for conversation. 

The hard part for me is that I do not see him regularly any more, so it is difficult to tell what is happening in the Silence. And so, when I don't hear from him after I reach out, my mind walks down a familiar and unpleasant path: Did I do something wrong? Did I unreasonably ask for more than he can deliver? Am I just too needy, and is his silence an indication that I need to need... less?  It takes a very concerted effort to get to the endpoint, which is: he is probably out with friends, or doing Things for himself. Good for him. I can eventually convince myself that such an endpoint is the true nature of the situation. Most of the time. I'm working on it. 

-----

Although Envy might be too strong a word, I do feel a pang of wistfulness that it is not I (nor Beloved Husband, who has always enjoyed Cherished Friend's company), who gets to spend free time with him. His presence is soothing, a sheltering tree. Lucky are those who get to experience that. And lucky is he, to find local Friends with whom he is comfortable. 

I'm happy for him. 

Perhaps someday, with his fine example before me, I will be able to find a new local friend or two myself. It won't negate the space I hold for him -- nothing will ever change that -- but it may help ease the occasional loneliness. 

That would be good. 

Photo Copyright 2020, 2022, Mediocria Firma.

All rights reserved. Used with gratitude.

Definitely Out

 Less than a minute, that test line appeared. 

-----

It took a lot to get Offspring the Third the medical care he needed yesterday, but we were finally able to secure him some antivirals. He is perking up at last today. 

And so, we shall take a moment to be grateful for all the scientists who have worked so hard to find solutions for preventing and treating severe COVID, because with the help of both vaccines and medications, he appears to be finally turning the corner toward getting better. (Knocking wood and crossing fingers.) If he had gotten infected earlier in the Pandemic, before the vaccines and the antivirals, things would have been Very Bad Indeed. Let's not think about that. 

The Pandemic has been horrid, but the science has been excellent.

Out

 I have lost at COVID dodgeball.

I spent the afternoon yesterday wondering, COVID or allergies? Took a test in the evening. The faintest of positive lines.

F*ck.

I am disappointed, but not surprised. Hopefully, it will be mild.

I... am not happy.

We shall see how it goes. 

It's the faintest of lines. 

It might be hard to see, because I did not photograph it until some time later, and the test strip had already started drying out. Nevertheless, it is there.

Rats. 

Coiffure

 Herself speaks.

I got my hair cut last weekend. 

I went to the appointment knowing that something needed to be done. It was a bit long, a bit scraggly, just.. not right. A barrette or hair clip had become the norm.  It was time for a change. 

The stylist and I talked about it in advance, and we decided it should be approximately shoulder length - just a wee bit under, to give it movement. 

And then as he was cutting, he said, I'm going to go a little shorter. OK, then -- already committed to the haircut, might as well keep going. 

The end result was closer to chin length than shoulder length. It's a good cut, with a nice shape, easy to care for. 

I don't like it. 

Or, more accurately -- I do like the hair cut. It's an excellent haircut, he did a great job, as always. 

What I don't like, is how I look.

-----

I think we all are conditioned to think of long hair as being necessary for a woman to be attractive. I certainly felt... well, maybe not specifically attractive, but at least less unattractive, when my hair was long. The problem is, though, that my hair is not actually designed to be long -- though there is a lot of it, it is very, very fine, and tends toward hanging limply. There's no full glossy mane to toss over a shoulder, no cascading waves. Shorter works best.

The problem is not necessarily the shorter hair.  Perhaps it is my age. Fifty-five, how did I get so old? Or perhaps it is my weight (a problem to be sure) - I don't have the rounded succulence of youth any longer, but rather, an overblown mutton dressed as lamb situation. Perhaps it is even the fact that I so rarely have an opportunity to get dressed up and feel confident in my appearance. There is never a flirtation by a stranger, never even a second glance (or even a first), as I move through life as a middle-aged person. Invisible, or visible only as a prejudged (wrongly, I think) Karen. 

I know that I should look inward and be satisfied, in that I am doing the best I can with what I have, given the totality of the circumstances, and find my own self-confidence in just being, well, me. 

I haven't gotten there yet.

Maybe someday.

Dodgeball: Extreme Sports Edition - ROUND TWO

 Offspring the Third has The Plague.  He tested ever so faintly positive this afternoon.  He feels rotten.  My poor child. He always gets gallopingly ill with every virus - let us hope this is not too bad.

(And also, let us hope that I did not catch it from him, because I need to take care of him right now.)

Amen. 

Can you see the sample line? It's faint, but it's there. 

Toasted

I was scrolling through the photos on my phone, and came across this one of the small dogs toasting themselves in front of a space heater during their last winter. So cute. I do miss them, still. 

Good puppies. 

Blast from the Past

Found this button in my study while tidying a rarely-used drawer. Remember Ross Perot? He always reminded me of my grandfather.

Remember when politics didn't seem quite so fraught? Was a million years ago, it seems.

I may never recover from the orange turnip years. The level of rage and frustration, coupled with the knowledge that I can do virtually nothing to stop the ongoing anti-science, anti-fact, emotionally-laden politicking of this day and age, seems never-abating. 

Will anything come of the FBI raid on Mar-a-Lago? We shall see. I can hardly bear to look. 

Fifty-five

Indeed. 

Here's to another trip around the sun. 

Current Mood

Riches

I arrived home from work yesterday to an embarrassment of riches: four separate unexpected packages for me, in anticipation of my birthday in a few days. 

I'm not worthy! 

I am saving one for my actual birthday, but with encouragement from Offspring the Third (who thoroughly enjoys packages of any kind, even not for him), I opened three of them -- the ones from my siblings.  They included a marvelously humongous plush rabbit. Hilarious. Excellent. 

My siblings are truly wonderful people. I wish I could be more like them. I'll try harder. 

Bird

The other day, just outside the window where the kitties like to watch the goings-on of the neighborhood, a rather large bird of prey parked itself in the tree. It sat there for quite a while, and then eventually left.  

What was it looking for? A tasty kitty? Some as-yet-unseen tasty rodent in the front yard? Perhaps it was just looking for water -- it is so very dry here right now. 

I do enjoy seeing an unusual creature here -- it tells me that humans haven't overtaken this corner of the desert entirely. 

Taking a Walk

Saw this little fellow while out for an evening stroll. Nice. 

Value

 TikTok is the home of many things -- some good, some bad -- and oftentimes, it is a source of little nuggets of wisdom that are worth thinking about. 

The gist of one set of videos I saw recently was this:  a person was asked to describe themselves, and the adjectives they used (nurturing, helpful) were all words that related to what that person could do for other people. And the question was was then posed: but what are your good qualities that don't depend on interactions with others? And there was a weighty silence, while people contemplated that idea. 

Do you feel valued for who you are, rather than for what you do for other people?

What would it take, to feel valued as an individual?

Things to think about. 

Alone

 It's been nearly a month now since I've spent any sort of time with Beloved Husband. 

First, I made the trip Up North to visit family; shortly after my return he went to a four-day conference, returned home for about 8 hours, and then went to a work-related meeting for four more days. On days in between our travels, there was regular work or other social functions that kept him out late or otherwise occupied. And then, shortly after his return, COVID struck. We are now on day eight of his positive testing; he is feeling much better, but all my research says nobody knows whether a late positive test means a person is still contagious or whether it is viral remnants. And so, we coexist in separate parts of the house, occasionally having a phone call or going on a short walk outside. 

It's not great Quality Time.

-----

I tend to be a fairly solitary person overall -- I like quiet time, I do not like crowds or even large groups. I prefer in-depth conversation over small talk. I was mostly fine during the first, oh, two years of the Pandemic, because Not Needing Interaction With People is one of my strengths.

Nevertheless, the level of interaction I have had with other adult human beings lately has been really really small, and it is finally starting to wear on me. 

I reach out by text/email to my Safe People (because phone could be intrusive, and electronic communication allows them to respond in their own time), but they are busy leading their own lives, and do not answer quickly or often. And because I am already sad, I worry that they don't answer because my bids for conversation are an annoyance to them. And then I am angry at myself, for wanting more from them than they give. 

I do not want what I cannot have.

I need to find some kind of mild (socially-distanced) activity to do with other people. So I can feel less alone, and like less of a burden for wanting conversation. 

We shall see. One day at a time.