Myrtle

 Herself speaks.

Where have I gone?

I am so wrapped up in an all-consuming project that I have undertaken -- let us call it the Orange Project -- and it occupies so much of my time and my thoughts, that there hardly seems to be any moments left for me to contemplate anything else. 

I like the Orange Project. It feels very worthwhile, as if I am doing something meaningful. It is a two-year project; I can do anything for two years. I have done harder things, for longer. 

Sometimes, when I am driving from point A to point B and have fifteen minutes to myself, I enjoy a few non-Orange thoughts. 

I think about my Offspring. I miss them. I hope they are doing well in their own unique lives that they have established for themselves. Is it a sign of success as a parent, to be no longer needed? They are such lovely people, and I am tremendously proud of them. 

I think about Cherished Friend. It is still a grief for me that he lives Oceanside. I miss the mundane aspects of friendship -- running errands, having lunch on the occasional weekday, going for a walk. Cooking a bit extra at mealtimes, to give to him. Listening to him and Beloved Husband discuss politics on the back patio. Scrabble. These pieces are the ones that ultimately, I enjoy most. 

I think about my lovely Daddy. Just the other day, for the first time ever, that feeling of "I really must call Daddy to say hello" crossed my mind, as if my brain had temporarily forgotten that he is dead. And then my brain remembered, and was embarrassed, and sad all over again. 

I think about what I would like the future to look like, and I cannot imagine it at all. When did I stop having dreams? 

Maybe I didn't really stop. Maybe my dreams are just metamorphosing.

To allow them to fully spread their wings, I need to let go of the fruitless longings that hold me back. 

I cannot change other people. And I cannot make them care for me in the way I care for them. 

I can, however, be myself, and give as I like, but without exhausting my own resources. I am not The Giving Tree.  

I shall aim to be like the myrtle.

And there are those who give and know not pain in giving, nor do they seek joy, nor give with mindfulness of virtue; They give as in yonder valley the myrtle breathes its fragrance into space.

-- Kahlil Gibran, On Giving

Thirty-fifth

Item one: I recently attended my thirty-fifth college reunion.

It seems absolutely impossible that so much time has passed since I graduated from college. So much water under the bridge. 

I saw my roommates from that time. Such lovely women, so kind and warm and witty and thoughtful. I feel that I am undeserving of them -- why should they be so very kind and warm to me? Who am I? I am nobody. I am History. 

To experience affection from someone, due to shared history and experiences from thirty-five years ago with little contact in the intervening decades, is an odd thing. Yet on the other hand, it felt so natural to me, to want to hug them and spend time with them and be near them. I am extremely fond of them. They are genuinely marvelous people. I appreciate them so much more now, than I did in my youth. 

And to love them is, in a weird little way, to also love the me that I once was, thirty-five years ago. That me does deserve a little love, after all. She was underloved by me back then. 

I do need to see these lovely women more often. I should make it a mission, to let them know how much they mean to me now. Because life is short, and people should know that they are important. 

The world needs a little more love in it. 

Building Community

 As I reflect back on the reunions, I am struck by how much those few days spent with fellow graduates of my alma mater filled my need for Community.  The Pandemic had exacerbated the loneliness and sense of isolation that had grown within me over the past several years, and being back on campus with my peers alleviated those feelings in a significant and unexpected way. Perhaps, all these years later, I might actually Belong, in a way I didn't recognize all those years ago. Or perhaps I Belong now, even if I did not quite fit in back then. The years change us, allow us to grow and to See, in a way we didn't before.

And perhaps that is why, when I was asked earlier this week whether I would be interested in taking on a Significant Responsible Position in the Volunteer Group in which I participate for my college, I said yes. It's a chance to immerse myself, to redeem myself for opportunities missed when I was in school, to be fully involved, to be part of something bigger than myself. 

To help others to feel as if they, too, Belong. To do Good. 

To help this Community, to make this Community better. To serve this Community, as best I can. 

It's a Lot. I might be a little scared of the level of Commitment. But at the same time, it will take me back to my roots, and bring out the enthusiasm and joie de vivre that my young self once had. And give me a chance to be part of something Bigger, and to do Good. 

Here we go.