HeftyBun

A haiku for Poppy:

Placid and patient,
Sheds the least of all the buns -
Hefty, pretty girl.

To Not Feel

 A follow-on to "To Feel". 

Herself speaks.

There is an acquaintance I have known for a very long time, who often uses feeling-based words to draw sympathy and/or attention to themselves. This person likes to mention, for example, how a news article affected them personally: I read this and just wept about it. Or, for example, how the obesity of a stranger they encountered in a public location is problematic, because I worry so much about their health. They also like to talk about the lives of their peers and their peers' children, detailing the misfortunes and/or the decisionmaking that has led to the described person's allegedly less-than-perfect lives. These statements and conversations are always accompanied by/peppered with their personal feelings about other people's behaviors and activities. They also like to unexpectedly spring questions -- don't you miss [deceased pet's name]? -- and then add their own feelings about the deceased pet in question. 

It's... unpleasant.

Perhaps I would just chalk up all these things to the acquaintance being an emotionally-driven person, if it weren't for the fact that so much of it seems to have other motives: sometimes, it seems to be designed to shine a spotlight on the acquaintance, or to criticize other people under the guise of concern, or sometimes even to shock or to provoke the listener into responding in a particular way. Also, history indicates that the acquaintance is, in fact, disinclined to be supportive when other people experience difficult feelings. 

It's a lot to digest and to try to understand.

Rather than asking, how to I support acquaintance when they experience feelings in my presence (because it's not support that the acquaintance desires), the question instead becomes, how do I best protect myself from the verbal onslaught and not get drawn into Drama? 

Grey Rock seems best.

Grey Rock-ing is exhausting. Yet it is better than showing any emotional reaction, because any possible vulnerability will be exploited. I don't want that. No one wants that. 

Sometimes, I think about what it would be like to discuss a feeling in an ordinary sort of way, without a spotlight, without fear of All The Emotions Escaping, just to acknowledge it with the support of another person, and then to let it go. Given the current Pandemic climate, that seems almost like a fantasy. Perhaps, someday, we will get there again. 

It's a Faux Grey Rock!

Can be purchased on Amazon for all your Grey Rock needs.

https://www.amazon.com/Outdoor-Essentials-Faux-Rock-Medium/dp/B00NOP1OAS

To Feel

The other day, I read an article about the importance of Feeling One's Feelings, even under circumstances when one does not have an adequate in-person support group, and even when there is not anyone there to help one sort through the feelings or to provide emotional support. I theoretically understand this concept: it's not good to keep things bottled up, for a variety of reasons. And also, not feeling things tends to lead to overuse of other coping mechanisms that may not be the best (such as, for example, eating one's feelings -- not that I know anything about that). 

At the same time, I find myself thinking: Feelings? In this economy? Oh, honey, no.

-----

To feel Feelings -- to REALLY feel them -- seems like a luxury that so many of us can ill afford. We're doing our best to get through the complexities of Pandemic life, trying to stay safe, trying to socially isolate, and absolutely wilting under the worry and the isolation. Add to that the normal, every-day worries of so many people: going to Work; paying bills; paying taxes; watching elderly and frail relatives become more elderly and more frail; trying to ensure the safety (and facilitate the lives) of offspring, whether big or small; navigating routine medical care. There is so much on everyone's plates. To take a moment to FEEL things would be dangerous: what if you let one Feeling out, and all the rest escape, like the flight of the evils from Pandora's Box. 

So we numb ourselves and march forward, one step after another, hoping vaguely in the back of our minds: let this get easier. 

We find peace in the small moments -- right this second, everything is OK. It's fleeting, but it helps.

We contemplate Feelings in the car, because it seems like the only place to be safely vulnerable: one feeling at a time, contained and protected within the vehicle, partially felt because of the need to focus on the road as well. 

It's the best we can do.

No wonder we are all so Tired.

In so many ways.

The Buns Are One

Happy birthday, bun trio! Good bunnies. 

Novescientos

Go Home, Facebook Ads, You're Drunk

Just....no.

Small

 Herself speaks.

In sporadic intervals, as I struggle with PMS and fight -- sometimes fruitlessly -- against the urge to consume every carbohydrate within reach, I I contemplate this middle-aged body and its weight, and despair ever so slightly. And I resolve, once more, to try to become thinner.

Why do I want to be thinner?

Is it because I in fact want a different body shape?

Or is it, rather, because I miss the idea of smallness? 

To be small, is to be tended to, like a child or a pet. 

Perhaps that is what I truly yearn for.

Oceanside Morning

I can almost smell the ocean when I look at this photo. 

Photo Copyright 2022, Mediocria Firma.

All rights reserved. Used with gratitude.

Haha, sigh

Rainbow

There was a little bit of a rainbow the other evening, right before sunset. Lovely.

Sit

So DROLL. 

Jolene

Poppy looking at me like she thinks I'm trying to steal her man. 

Lechuga

As useful as I find the grocery shopping app and the ease with which I can pick up what we need instead of going in to the store myself, there are occasional mishaps. Like a bag of potatoes with a squishy potato in the middle. Or a pepper with a wee bit of fungus on it. Seems like it is almost always a produce issue, because the beleaguered and overworked store shoppers likely do not carefully select fruits and vegetables as they rush around to complete orders.

Sometimes, though, it's my fault. I apparently ordered A WHOLE LOT OF LETTUCE. So much lettuce. In two different sizes (11 ounce bins on top, 16 ounce bins on the bottom). Oh, dear. 

The bunnies will be delighted.  

Educational Signage

Mooooooo

One of the bonuses of the Project I am undertaking, is getting to see the cows on the drive to and from. 

Evergreen

 Spotted this lovely tree today, while conducting a 'dry run' of a big project I have for the next 15 weeks or so. 

I do enjoy an evergreen.

Through the Pass

Part of the trip between Offspring the Third's school and home involves the Guadalupe Pass. It's a lovely area, and home to Guadalupe Peak. 

Near Guadalupe Peak is the turnoff to Carlsbad Caverns, one of my most favorite places. I wave at it as I drive by. I cannot bring myself to visit it again yet, because Plague. And also, because I associate the Caverns with Cherished Friend -- we went there together many times, both by ourselves and with other members of my family -- and I am not sure what it will be like to visit the Caverns without him. It won't be the same, I know. Will the ghosts of visits past be comforting? Perhaps they will. I won't know until I go.

-----

One of the hardest parts of Pandemic, is not feeling that the situation is safe enough to travel and see Cherished Friend and his Oceanside. I miss walking and talking, sitting in companionable silence, running mundane errands, together. The long solitary drive past the Caverns' road and through Guadalupe Pass reminds me of what is absent. I let the beauty of the scenery wash over me, and try to remain in the moment, rather than allowing my mind to wander backward or forward in time. It is easier that way. 

Someday, I will visit Oceanside, and I will get to see my Friend in person again. And it will be delightful.

Across the Desert

A quick trip to points east to facilitate the very last semester for Offspring the Third. I am excited for him; he has such a bright future ahead. 

He is such a cheerful, helpful soul at home over break -- I have no doubt that he will bring happiness to everyone with whom he works in the future. 

Good luck, lovely young man. 

Microchip

Received an email reminding me to verify and update Tiny Dog's microchip information. 

It pained me a bit to have to "unenroll" her. 

Rest well, Tiny Dog.  

Good girl. 

Live and in Person

 Today's earworm: Love Like Ghosts (Lord Huron). 

I remember going to the Lord Huron concert here -- was it really nearly three years ago!? -- and they started the set with this song. There was the rustling of the crowd, the anticipatory silence, and then:

Yes I know that love is like Ghosts

And the crowd erupted with glee, and the music flowed out over us all. 

It was magnificent. 

I miss live music.

Someday. 

In the meanwhile, turn the music up and close your eyes.

I don't feel it 'til it hurts sometimes 

So go on baby, hurt me tonight. 

All the spirits that I know I saw 

Do you see no ghost in me at all?

Routine

 Herself speaks.

I am trying to get into the swing of things for 2022. Everything is out of sorts; the end-of-2021-exhaustion still lingers. 

Pandemic issues abound: we have one (vaccinated) household member who is on day 8 of recovering from COVID (fortunately the illness didn't seem to be too severe); another household member who was absolutely flattened by a booster shot yesterday; another (vaccinated and boosted) household member who is completely comfortable with the risks associated with dining in restaurants; and... me -- vaccinated, boosted, and not at all comfortable with the attitude of the General Population as I try to go about life outside of my house. Hoi polloi, so unconcerned. I cannot even think about it too much, because my level of impotent rage is SO HIGH. The knowledge that I have so little control over the level of casual exposure I encounter, is defeating.

I am trying to arrange my life as best possible, to be able to do the things I want to do and like to do; to go to work; to play my supportive role in the family. I need to get into a pattern. A routine that is safe, and comforting. A way of tackling each day productively and contentedly. 

I'll get there. It's going to take more Work than I previously realized, though. 

As always: one day at a time. 

The buns stand guard, contemplating Life.

Reprieve

Dodged a bullet - COVID tests remain negative.

It is day 2 of the New Year, and I already feel mentally tired.

Things will get better.