Herself speaks.
Tomorrow, we lay my father-in-law to rest.
I have acquired, washed and ironed a dozen embroidered hankies to give to the ladies in attendance. Everything is hard enough, without having to rely on a crumpled Kleenex tissue to get through.
And for afterward, I have made some homemade cookies, so that we can remember that life can still be sweet.
Herself speaks.
In the course of making arrangements for my lovely father-in-law, several discussions were had among the immediate family about cemetery plots. It was decided that several plots should be purchased, so that a section could be reserved for my in-laws, Beloved Husband, his siblings. And me, of course, to be interred with Beloved Husband in time. It was the most sensible thing to do..
Knowing that there's a plot there with my name on it is... somehow very disturbing to me.
It's not because I'm afraid of imminent death (we go when we go, no way to tell when one's number is up). It's more because the first thing that springs to mind for me, is being trapped in a box under the barren desert for all eternity.
Yikes.
This Desert is my adopted home. I have been here for twenty-five years now. I have learned to see the beauty in the unique plants; to appreciate the resilience and variety of the Desert's creatures; to tolerate the dry and the dust and the harsh sun, knowing that there are moments of rain and silence and beauty. It is a unique place. And this place is very much part of Beloved Husband, born and raised here, living and ultimately, someday, to die here. It's only natural that he should become part of it by being buried here. But is the Desert truly a part of me? Or has it merely tolerated my presence, knowing that I am from Elsewhere?
Do I really belong here?
If not here, though -- where?
I don't belong in New England (where I was born and raised) any longer -- I have been here in the Desert too long for that.
No other place calls to me.
Is it too late to search for belonging now? Where would I even look?
Is it really a question of where? Or is it a question of something else?
What is Home?
Let us find Home. With Home, we will find Rest.
Sometimes, we all just want the security of a nice safe place to sit. Even if it is under a table.
My father-in-law passed peacefully in the early morning hours yesterday.
Godspeed, Buelo.
Today's earworm: In the Lord's Arms (Ben Harper).
Amen.
Today's earworm: Despacito (Luis Fonsi).
As I contemplate the imminent passing of an elder of the family (and recognize that there is another elder in the family who may also pass Beyond The Veil this year), I feel this desire move, to feel, to be in the moment and aware of the Life that currently flows through my veins. And so, I dance alone in my kitchen. Despacito.
New Orville Peck! So delightful. His voice is so smoooooooooooth.
Today's earworm: C'mon Baby, Cry.
Enjoy.
Facebook Flashback reminds me of this cozy photo of Tio and Tiny Dog. Awww.
I so miss having a dog. Bunnies are nice, but they are not as consoling as dogs. Especially small dogs who love nothing more than to sit on the couch together.
Someday, there will be more dogs.
While I am not currently in the market for a plush avocado wearing a knitted hat, this is EXACTLY the type of ad that I enjoy (and on which I am likely to click). Well done at last, Facebook Ads.
The chocolate wrapper said, "Book the flight."
Well, I already did.
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A couple of weeks ago, I took the bull by the horns and made some plans. I have exactly a one-week pause in the middle of my Project, and so I got authorization to take time off of work at the same time. And then I purchased plane tickets.
The most pressing travel concern is seeing my parents -- one of them has some significant health issues right now, and I should go see them in person. It's really important to them, and to me, that we have some time together. In case time is a little short.
And while I was at it, I decided to include a trip to Oceanside to see Cherished Friend, too.
It was a weirdly difficult decision, to incorporate a purely-for-the-pleasure-of-it portion in the trip alongside a family-obligation portion. I haven't been away from home for a full week since... I cannot remember when, if ever. I have previously kept trips brief, because there used to be young Offspring, or needy dogs, or other Home-Front Obligations, and I would feel uneasy if I were away for too long. However, the Offspring are all young adults and (mostly) independent now; and the bunnies will be completely ambivalent about my absence, especially since they will have Offspring the First and Beloved Husband to tend to them. So the time seemed right to purposefully plan something that I would enjoy. Oceanside, it is.
Since I booked the tickets, two of my flights have already been changed by the airlines. And while this is not surprising, it makes me uneasy. What if the plans don't work out? It's entirely possible that things will change more, or the weather will turn foul, or something else will transpire that will make things Not Come To Pass. And so I try not to look forward to the trip, just in case. The Universe hears when we anticipate things, and then... things go wrong.
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When Cherished Friend left this desert land, I had this vague idea in my head that I would work on myself, so that by the time I was able to visit, I would be the best version of myself: I would work out and be in better shape, I would be organized and capable and accomplished, I would turn up and be helpful and good company. I think I was trying to console myself with thoughts of I can still thrive even if Cherished Friend is not nearby.
Thriving has proved to be a little difficult. Because Pandemic, and Life, and Stuff. Such it is.
And so, I will turn up in Oceanside -- be it on this trip, or at a later point if things do not come to pass as I would like -- and I will be somewhat frazzled, just as chunky as ever, and Pandemic-tired.
I wish I had more to offer. Perhaps someday.
One thing I know, though: that Peace will be found in Oceanside, however briefly I am there, because Cherished Friend is there. And I will be glad to see him.
Behold, this screen capture from a memorial mass for lives lost due to COVID-19.
Is there something missing?
I just... cannot.
Put masks on your faces, people, to try to lessen the number of lives added to that number.
This is why we cannot have nice things.
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