Catch-up

Herself speaks.

Let's play catch-up, shall we?  

The house refurbishing continues apace. Today I boxed up the last of the rooms that needs boxing -- that was quite the accomplishment.  This one was the study, and so it was quite the archeological dig:  old school pictures of the Offspring, tax forms, Important Papers, ancient defunct laptops, obsolete mobile phones, CD-ROMs of computer games from over a decade ago. I took down my diplomas, and carefully peeled off the pencil drawings made by the Offspring that I'd taped there, along with three photos: Beloved Husband holding an infant Offspring the Third; my Lovely Daddy and I during my college graduation weekend; a rare willingly-taken (toleratingly-taken) photo of Cherished Friend from a camping trip a thousand years ago.  I cleaned off all of my favorite schoolbooks from the shelf -- my Latin and Greek books from high school; organic chemistry; plant biology -- and put them in a box with the classics: The Phantom Tollbooth (Norton Juster), I Am A Bunny (Ole Risom), Anam Cara (John O'Donohue), The Prophet (Kahlil Gibran), When The Tripods Came (John Christopher), and other favorites. I added the books on lichens and mosses, and medicinal plants. A wealth of knowledge, in a single box. 

I finally threw out my review materials for The Task, though. 

I also cleaned out my closet upstairs. I finally gathered all my formal dresses that I will never wear again and donated them.  They were all beautiful in their individual ways -- velvets, sparkles, fringe or shimmer. They felt so lovely under my fingertips as I packed them up. I felt pretty when I wore them (a hundred years ago, now), and I was sad to see them go.  I hope they will each find a good home elsewhere. 

I moved the bunnies to their new room.  It's out of the regular flow of traffic of the household, but is quiet.  It's smaller, but I will get them a little rug so they can hop out and about in the rest of the house more after the refurbishment is done. 

I was concerned that they would find the move upsetting.  They did seem a bit cranky at first.  But they are adjusting. 

We parted ways with our dining room furniture.  It was old, in need of repair and polishing and tender loving care, and someone was willing to give it a good home. I feel sad and a little guilty, but I know that someone will enjoy it more. I did save the hand-embroidered seat cushion covers, though. It was a rhythmic, soothing process, to remove the hundreds of little furniture tacks. I will restore the embroidery and save the works for posterity. 

I rewarded myself for all the hard work, by speaking with Cherished Friend via Zoom this evening.  It's lovely to see him, to talk about ordinary things. I am annoyed he does not live closer -- how delightful that would be. 

When we said goodbye, the tiny grief of knowing I cannot really be a part of his everyday life and he cannot be a part of mine, flared white-hot for a moment. 

There is no point in crying, though. It won't change anything. I'll just put on my brave face and keep going.  

And that, lovely readers, is all the catch-up for now.

Tidy

This weekend while everyone was out of the house, I took the opportunity to Tidy All The Things. I moved Offspring the Third's miscellany, that has lingered in the family room since he went off to school, up to his room. I emptied out and rearranged several closets, and found new homes for piles of Stuff such as those that have been occupying the corner of the study forever (the crates of papers from preparation for The Task, and the binders from other tasks). I organized some drawers. I neatly stored in a single location, the memorabilia that had been accumulating in various places. Then I steam-cleaned carpets, wiped down the plantation shutters, and dusted the ceiling fans. 

It is a level of organization that I have long sought but have not had time to put into place. While some people may wonder why I spent quality time to myself on this endeavor, I am quite happy with the results. I find clutter to be exhausting. Now my spaces are tidied, and my brain is tidied. It is good. 

One Year Ago

What an exhausting experience.  I am so relieved that it is behind me now. 

Patronus

Herself speaks.

Having a migraine is, in many ways, much like having an internal Dementor. In addition to the feeling of having one's brain squashed, there is also the unfortunate side-effect of having to revisit terrible memories: sad thoughts and angry ones; moments of loss and of impotent rage and of abandonment; hard times. Only with a bit of luck can escape be found in sleep. Even then, though, dreams are haunted.

My migraine Dementor, which makes an appearance far more often than I would like, enjoys occasionally revisiting The Task of the Bar Exam. Not the taking of the exam itself, though: that was such a highly focused moment, with organization of tasks and quick analysis and regurgitation of appropriate law, that it is difficult to remember it precisely. Rather, the migraine Dementor likes to contemplate the aftermath: driving the car homeward for six hours on an endless open stretch of highway, with ample time to wonder if the right bells were rung, if the proper answers were chosen. Contemplating the six months of preparation, including the ten-week preparatory course with the ten-hour-per-day studying goals. Remembering the questions, and wondering if the answers were sufficient. Finally allowing all the emotions -- that were so carefully suppressed during the preparation and the exam -- to leak out.

The open-mouthed scream that naught but the signposts by the side of the road could hear.
-----

The only way to tackle a Dementor, we know, is to conjure a Patronus. Although traditionally a happy memory is used to conjure a Patronus, I have found that mere happiness is insufficient to banish this particular Dementor. Instead, I use moments of intensity -- hellos and goodbyes with those closest to me, both ancient occasions and recent ones. There may be happiness in greetings, and sorrow in farewells, but the emotions are much more intricate than that: there is hope and joy and sorrow, wishes and dreams and plans and memories, all bundled together. Only the strength and complexity of such remembrances can generate a shield against such a formidable Dementor.

It does work.

Perhaps Dumbledore was right: it is love that saves us.

You are protected, in short, by your ability to love!" said Dumbledore loudly.
-- J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-blood Prince

Image found here:

https://aminoapps.com/c/harry-potter/page/blog/expecto-patronum/w3To_uWV1WjnpQ1BNNV1QRwoX071La

Thank You

Herself speaks.

This past weekend, I did some much-overdue organizing of various cabinets, including the pantry. I came across the bag of special dog food that we had for Elderly Three-toothed Dog.

Time to let that go.

And I had a momentary pang, because I realized that although he had faithfully sat with me for hours and hours each day for weeks and weeks while I prepared for The Task of taking the bar exam, I never had the opportunity to tell him that I passed.

It seems silly, I know. He would have had no idea what the significance of "passed the bar" was. Yet, I wish I could tell him that I appreciated his support, all those days.

Thank you, Tio. Good boy.

Set Free

Tonight's earworm: Bird Set Free (Sia).

No, I don't care if I sing off key
I find myself in my melodies
I sing for love, I sing for me
I'll shout it out like a bird set free

I hope you enjoy.

Done

The results of The Task have been released, earlier than I expected.

I was successful.

I am so relieved. And overwhelmed. And relieved. And overwhelmed.

I will write more about it in due time.

I am finally comfortable revealing what The Task was, now that I know it is truly Finished:

Thank you for your support.

Waiting

Herself speaks.

It has been nearly three months since I completed The Task. Time has passed simultaneously rather quickly and agonizingly slowly.

Results will be revealed in early November -- likely the 1st or 2nd of the month. So: one week to go.

Almost there.

I confess to currently experiencing a certain amount of... trepidation. It was such an arduous process, with an uncertain result. I am ready to know the outcome, so that I can move forward.

We shall see.

Fingers crossed.

(This image, which reminds me of a portion of The Task, was found here.)

Camping

Herself speaks.

After I completed The Task this summer, my one goal was to go camping -- to be away from Everything, with naught but good company, open sky, and nature.

It took quite a while, but camping finally came to pass this weekend. It did my heart good, to be out in the lava field with the plants and the wildlife. To warm up by a campfire. To listen to the birds and the crickets. To have nothing to do but talk with companions who are close to my heart. To sit, quietly, together.

I wish for more days like these.

Valley Music

This evening's earworm: Goodbye to You (Ben Harper).

This is one of the many excellent tracks on the Call It What It Is album. I have the CD in my car: it is a solid choice when the radio or Pandora is insufficient (or when there is no signal). In fact, on the long trip back from The Task, it was my only option as I drove through the mountain pass.

Unfortunately, for this reason the album is now intertwined in my head with The Task. I am trying to reclaim the music by listening to it in different settings. I found some of the tracks as acoustic versions on Youtube, and these renditions are just different enough that I can enjoy the music without any flashbacks to The Task.

Goobye to You is particularly heartrending when acoustic. It is, though, perhaps even more beautiful.

I hope you enjoy.

Outside

Herself speaks.

Cherished Friend visited us for the long weekend. It seemed like approximately a zillion years since we'd seen him in person. It's always a contentment to have him in the household, even when it is just for a few days. 

On Saturday, he, Beloved Husband, and I went for a hike. It was everything I had ached for, for ages: hiking, outside, in the best of company. All worldly cares put away for a few hours. The view. The trees. The mountain. The insects, even. The rocks. The gathering clouds. All, lovely. 

-----

It is Good Days like those that highlight, for me, the terrible impact of preparing for The Task: the inability to spend any time doing what I enjoy; the cost to my relationships with those most important to me -- those whom I neglected, by failing to reach out as I normally do, or to pay sufficient attention to the things important to them. I regret my self-centeredness during that time. (Though. in truth, I am not sure that I could have accomplished The Task any other way.) I am still struggling a bit to find my footing even a month later, though it is improving, bit by bit. Back to work. Back to the regular household activities. One step at a time, one day at a time. 

With more hiking. That will help.

Mediocre

I'm trying really hard, but it still seems like I'm still just going through the motions each day. (Which is OK, I suppose, as I find my new normal after The Task.) I feel as though everything I do is mediocre. I am a mediocre mother, mediocre wife, mediocre friend. I could do so much better.

Actually, perhaps right now, I cannot do any better.

My soul is tired, still.

My peoples -- have patience. Know that I love you, and that I will find my way back to how I would like to be.

Ten Days Later

It's been ten days now since The Task was finished. Life has not yet returned to normal, though it is on the way. I have read two books for pleasure, played my piano, obtained Ruth the fish, and returned to work.

(Did I mention that I took a leave of absence from my employment to prepare for The Task? Work held down the fort for me while I was absent. It will benefit Work in the long run for me to have met The Task, provided that I am successful, so it was in everyone's best interest to help me accomplish the preparation needed for The Task.)

I still dream about The Task.

The first few nights were difficult: dreams that were flashbacks to the content of The Task, to questions and failures and unknowns. Time attenuates all things, though, and now the dreams are more factual. Less nauseating. This all shall pass, in due course.

I wondered how others who have faced The Task manage this post-Task phase. Upon my quiet inquiry, three different coworkers affirmed to me that they too had flashbacks to the Task for some time afterward. I feel better, knowing that we all can get beyond what needs to be done, and move forward.

I am still tired, physically and mentally. Need more aftercare.

I'll do what I can. One step at a time.

Reintegration

I am once more rejoining society after The Task. The first stop: reconnecting with the people whom I have neglected while preparing for and undergoing The Task. I visited my lovely in-laws for lunch,  had dinner with Beloved Husband and Offspring the First and Second, and spoke with Cherished Friend by Skype. Lovely. 

How fortunate am I, to have these people as my People. They accepted my absence and my failure to look beyond my own needs during this difficult time, and kindly listened to my decompression when I returned, still reeling from the arduousness of The Task. Thanks to their help, I will be able to go back to Life As Usual in due course. I look forward to it.

Bless them.

Recovery

I am on the road to recovering from The Task. It will take a while, to be sure: completing The Task was much like fighting a Dementor (or, perhaps, even like taking on He-who-must-not-be-named himself). I am drained and fatigued. I feel as though a part of my soul has been squashed. I cannot bear silence, and even solitude is tricky. Yet I am not good company right now.

Self-care continues: I purchased a new Blu-ray boxed set of all of the Harry Potter movies, as well as several junky novels. I perused my cookbooks and went to the grocery store. I pulled out additional piano music. And Offspring the Second came back from adventures in other parts of the world, and it is nice to see him, and he has good stories to tell.

Step by step, the flashbacks to The Task will dissipate, and Life will resume again -- until sometime in November, we will learn whether I was successful at The Task, or whether I must do battle again.

Fingers crossed.

The Task Complete

It is finished.
I will not know the results for several months. Yet, for now, I am Done.

Today's song: Alive (Sia). 

Titanium

The Task, day three.

Today's song: Titanium (David Guetta, ft. Sia)

The Greatest

The Task, day two.

Today's song: The Greatest (Sia). 

Never Give Up

The Task, day one.

Today's song: Never Give Up (Sia). 

Unstoppable

The Task, T minus one day.

Today's song: Unstoppable (Sia).