Longing

 An older earworm has resurfaced: Harry Styles' cover of Girl Crush. I'm not entirely sure why this particular song is so VERY stuck in my head right now, but it is. Let's contemplate. 

Work has been extremely busy (painfully so), and it's been hard to take a moment to breathe or to seek a moment of zen. I'm plowing through the Things That Need Doing, and I am retaining my patience and my (relative) fortitude. There is precious little time, however, for empathy, sympathy, gentle kindliness, the kinds of sentiments that used to be so important to me.  Am I hardened? Or am I just... tired? Cannot pour from an empty cup. I'm holding on to the feelings that are too personal and too precious to give away right now. 

Girl Crush gives me a moment to feel a few feelings for which there is no time (or no space), the kind of feelings that were so in depth back in the days of youth. I miss the purity and intensity of the longing, the wanting, the wishing for the other person's presence -- a wish so fierce, it burned the edges of the heart. I did not know that those times were the blessedly simple times, before Responsibility became my constant companion in Life. 

Perhaps Girl Crush reminds me of the days when I could put all else aside and think about Love. 

I wish for all of you, the kind of Love that Harry Styles sings of -- but let it be requited, and let it be unencumbered by the follies and foibles of Life. Everyone should be so fortunate. 

January: Earworms

I have started listening to YouTube Music occasionally, to see if a subscription to it -- rather than Pandora Radio -- would be useful or if I would end up with the same type of mix either way.

YouTube seems to think that I'm a very angsty teenager, though. (How much overlap is there between angsty teenager and tired middle-aged woman? Is there more than I realize? Oh dear.) 

It's serving up songs such as the following:

Exile (Taylor Swift). I'm not a Swifty, but this one is growing on me. 

Don't Put It All On Me (Noah Cyrus).  Which, well, that's an earworm for sure.

On the other hand: could we have a few more upbeat bops, please? 

Like this: APT (Rose and Bruno Mars). It's complete fluff and eminently dance-able. I need more of this. 

Let's see what more we get in the weeks ahead.

Exile

 I'm not particularly a Taylor Swift fan.  I know she has QUITE the following, and I am glad that she is so motivational and inspirational for so many people; we all need someone to admire. 

I heard a snippet of this song on TikTok (repository of all sorts of fragments of media), and did not realize at first that it was Taylor Swift. By the time I'd listened to the whole song, it had crept under my skin in a way that none of her other songs ever has before. 

So I'll add this one to my pop culture/music repertoire, and now will be able to chat with Swifties meaningfully, should the occasion arise. 

Exile, featuring Bon Iver.

Grow Wings

 Herself speaks.

The house refurbishing: the straw that threatens to break the camel's back. 

Home is no longer a respite or a safe place. It is a sensory nightmare: strangers there so often; noise and dust; nothing where it should be; hours and hours and hours and hours and hours spent sorting, boxing up, moving things from one place to another, Tetris-ing a lifetime's worth of possessions of All The Family into different rooms while other rooms are being worked upon; no bed, just a solitary cot surrounded by boxes and miscellany; Offspring the Third's cats out of sorts, not able to roam comfortably, meowing and poking me in the eye in the middle of the night. (The rabbits, mercifully unbothered.) 

Won't it look nice when it is done, people say. Yes, it will indeed. It will be lovely. Meanwhile, the sensory nightmare continues, the expense climbs, and the amount of time and mental space occupied by the project grows. Relentless positivity about how it will be when it is finished, is not soothing my frayed nerves right now. 

I know this shall pass. It shall pass like a kidney stone. 

And meanwhile, outside life continues: work is busy; volunteering is an enormity; other obligations continue apace. 

Some days -- many days -- it seems as though no one communicates with me, whether by text, email, or otherwise, unless they need something from me. The needs, larger and smaller, come from all corners.  'Tis my fault, really, for being the Reliable Person. People are relying on me. No one to blame but myself. 

No one asks how I'm doing. (Once upon a time, my lovely Daddy used to ask. But as we know, he is gone and at peace. You deserve peace, Daddy. Rest easy.) 

How am I? Overwhelmed. Tired. Annoyed. One foot in front of the other, one day at a time. One hour at a time. 

What do I need? I need peace. It's in short supply right now, though. 

I need space and time to relax, to put things away where they belong, to listen to silence, to be alone. I need the comfort of company of people who don't expect me to anticipate and take care of a multitude of things at any given moment, who would like to talk about things Not Political (because whoooooooooo boooooooy that's a whole 'nother level of stress and anger), next to whom I could sit in the same way that the small dogs used to sit next to me, once upon a time. 

I keep sighing. As Offspring the Third once quoted from somewhere, "If I sigh loudly enough, all my problems will disappear."  Perhaps that will be true. 

In the meanwhile, we try to find music to carry us through. Until we can grow wings.

(Mack Loren, cover of Radiohead's Let Down.)

The Dark Side of the Moon

 Today's earworm: Love the Hell Out of You (Lewis Capaldi).

You got your demons, spent seasons on the dark side of the moon 

Don't try denying ‘cause you know that I've been there too 

Right now I know how it feels like the world’s gonna end 

But I'll get you through 

If it's the last thing I do 

I’m gonna love the hell out of you 

Take all the pain that you're going through 

I'll bring you heaven if that's what you need 

‘Cause you've always loved the hell out of me.

I love the idea of this song -- that one person's love can somehow eliminate the darkness that haunts someone else. I think that many of us who are rescuers (or who would secretly like a bit of rescuing ourselves) are attracted to the idea that Love Cures All, Love Saves All. If only that were true. 

The world is so messy. Life is complex, and both beauty and pain can be found in so many places. One person cannot fix another. What we can do, though, is be a safe harbor in times of need. And that might be good enough.

Girl Crush

 Herself speaks.

I try to avoid certain types of movies/songs/media, because they are just... a bit much for me. I don't watch rom-coms; I don't read books in which the love interests don't end up together; don't listen to lovelorn music. Especially now, when the world is a flaming dumpster fire, and Depression still sits quietly in the passenger seat of my car and stares at me from the corners of my room at night.

Once in a while, though, I accidentally come across something, and -- almost against my will -- it catches my attention.  I heard a snippet of a song on TikTok the other day, and now it is stuck in my brain. I feel compelled to listen to it, even though it brings up Feelings that I do not enjoy and would like not to experience. (Empathy: currently the worst kind of curse.)

I wish I knew what to do with Feelings that are Too Much. Feeling them by myself is acutely painful; all the same, there is no one in front of whom I would be comfortable feeling them. Yet one can only squash down feelings for so long, before they coalesce into the living, breathing Depression that is my secretive companion. I would not wish that on anyone. 

At any rate, here is the earworm that is plaguing me. Girl Crush, sung by Harry Styles. Suffer with me. Perhaps, if we suffer together, we can get through. 

I want to taste her lips
Yeah, 'cause they taste like you
I want to drown myself
In a bottle of her perfume
I want her long blond hair
I want her magic touch
Yeah, 'cause maybe then
You'd want me just as much
I've got a girl crush

Dreamscape

 Herself speaks.

Last night, I had a dream that I was on a beach. It was not sunny - I think it was early evening, perhaps? - but it was a nice ambient temperature, neither too warm nor too cold, and the breeze was just right, and the water was the same level of nice. There were good stones on the beach, and fine sand, and some people relatively nearby, but not too many and they were not too close nor too loud. I don't know what I was wearing, but I do know that my body was comfortable, nothing hurt, everything was good. 

I was there with someone I have not seen in far too long. I held their hand and looked into their face, and they had a true smile, and I thought about how it has been so long since I have seen their smile. And I was so happy that they were happy. I just looked and looked, trying to capture every millimeter of that smile, knowing that my time with them was so short and that I had no idea when I would ever see that face again. 

It was lovely to be there for that moment. 

I saw you in my dream
We were walking hand in hand
On a white sandy beach of Hawaii
We were playing in the sun
We were having so much fun
On a white sandy beach of Hawaii
The sound of the ocean
Soothes my restless soul
Sound of the ocean
Rocks me all night long

White Sandy Beach - Israel "IZ" Kamakawiwoʻole

How Far

Today's earworm: How Far Will We Take It? (Orville Peck & Noah Cyrus).

He really did such a lovely job of picking other voices to harmonize with on the Stampede album. 

As visually striking as many of his music videos are, I think this particular song is best listened to with eyes closed. It's even in the lyrics themselves. 

Being in your arms is what I came here for
I'll close my eyes if you close the door
I felt the fire, but couldn't see the flames
You didn't say it, but I know that you felt the same

I hope you enjoy. 

Indigo

 TikTok occasionally pushes a particular song clip to the forefront of the algorithm. Right now, it's a snippet from Indigo (Sam Barber, featuring Avery Anna). It's a very sad song, far more grim lyrics-wise than I currently feel capable of listening to, though I like the melody and harmonies very much. 

There's one couplet -- from which the name of the song is derived -- that does stand out for me right now, though:

I used to shine bright like gold
Now I'm all indigo

This, I understand. 

-----

Once upon a time, I was a very warm person. Nothing made me happier than to tend to other people, to be kind without expectation of return, to be generous of my time and attention and care. People should be loved. It seemed simple.

Ah, but People. 

I am a very slow learner. The lessons have been unduly painful. But at long last, I have come to understand: People will take Everything.

People will take what is given, and take more than what is given, and take with expectation, and twist what is given for their own purposes, and take without thanks or understanding. Sometimes malignantly, because sometimes People are Terrible. Yet not always maliciously -- sometimes merely self-centeredly. Or because they Need. Or because they are afraid of Never Having Enough. Or because they are simply accustomed to putting themselves first. 

The end result: my warmth has been spent. I am cold and tired. 

I used to shine bright like gold, now I'm all indigo. 

-----

I do love the color indigo. I do not want to be indigo, though. 

I would like very much to feel safe enough to let out a bit of warm glow once more. 

West Texas Wind

 Today's earworm: West Texas Wind, by NEEDTOBREATHE. 

One day (and with luck, not a day soon), when I am no longer tethered to this earth -- when the sun has set and the breeze comes up from the desert and you can smell the creosote in the air -- you can listen to this song, and think of me.

My blood and my bones

My heart and my hands

They try to hold all of this in

But I'm running to you like a west Texas wind

Singing God I need you, oh how I need you

God I need you again

Legacy

 Herself speaks.

My lovely Daddy left me a small amount of money. It was thoughtful, and kind, and helpful - just like Daddy.  

Because of the way the money was left, I need to take out a little bit of it every year from where it is, and move it elsewhere. It's up to me to figure out what to do with the slice of the money each time. That's surprisingly harder than one might think. Right now, it has very much been on my mind since the end of the year (and money-withdrawal-time) is nigh. 

One the one hand, the sensible thing to do would be to pay off a few debts. Or invest it in another place to save for retirement. Practical. 

On the other hand, though: it's an unexpected gift. I did not have this money in mind when accepting responsibility for debt or for building my retirement plan, so it's somehow free money, if that makes sense. I would like so much to take this gift, to use it in a way to make a difference somewhere, somehow. It's not enough to make a dramatic difference -- we're not remotely talking Bill or Melinda Gates here -- but I could perhaps make a teeny impact for the people who are important to me. 

Daddy was always so generous, and so quiet about it. I only learned in passing about all the ways he financially helped other people, because he never mentioned it. It was always someone else who brought it up -- someone to whom money was more important, or who felt it was necessary to give Daddy  recognition for his acts -- and Daddy always deflected, changed the subject, moved the spotlight elsewhere.

When I think of him, I am reminded of Kahlil Gibran's On Giving: 

There are those who give and know not pain in giving, nor do they seek joy, nor give with mindfulness of virtue;
They give as in yonder valley the myrtle breathes its fragrance into space.
Through the hands of such as these God speaks, and from behind their eyes He smiles upon the earth.

I remember Daddy, and I want to carry his legacy on, in this small but meaningful way, however I can.

It is well to give when asked, but it is better to give unasked, through understanding;
And to the open-handed the search for one who shall receive is joy greater than giving.

Jewel: My Father's Daughter.

Mienteme

 Today's earworm: Mienteme (Orville Peck and Tess Bu Cuaron). 

I heard it for the first time as I drove back home after being away from this desert land recently, and the catchy Spanish lyrics and the tune promptly wedged themselves into my brain, there to stay for the indeterminate future. 

Miente, querida, que viva, baby
Hurt me, I'm yours tonight
Miénteme, vida, úsame
Venga, güey, come tell me lies
Amor no correspondido es tiempo perdido
Pero miente, querida, por vida, miénteme

La Llorona

Today's earworm: La Llorona (Carmen Goett). 

It's almost Dia de los Muertos.

One of these years, I might set up an ofrenda.

Heartrending Earworms

 Herself speaks.

I have this song stuck in my head. I need to listen to it, and yet it pains me: it's like an itch that must be scratched, even though it hurts.  Back At Your Door, Orville Peck and Debbii Dawson. It is unbearably sad. I cannot turn away. 

Have a listen. I am not sure you will enjoy, necessarily. But it will enrich your life. And perhaps, it will be stuck in your head, too, and then I will not have to suffer alone. 

Chemical Sunset

 And on the opposite side of pre-dawn driving music, we have another song from Orville Peck's new album:  Chemical Sunset.

This would be my current audio stim. Excellent. 

I hope you enjoy.

Midnight Ride

 Recently, I found myself driving back from the airport in the very small hours of the morning -- I had just delivered Offspring the Third, off on a work-related adventure (best of luck, my lovely young man, I hope it is a fantastic journey!), and was returning home along the nearly empty highway. 

I'd forgotten the small pleasure of solitary highway driving in the pre-dawn hours. 

The moment was made complete by one of the songs from Orville Peck's new album: Midnight Ride.

Nice.

For that one brief moment, everything was OK.

Lay Me Down

 Today's earworm: Lay Me Down, by Sam Smith.

Find any performance. (Preferably a duet, in which he harmonizes.) Listen carefully. 

Just lovely. 

Zombie, Redux

 Today's earworm: Zombie (Bad Wolves). 

This version of the Cranberries' epic song is currently so very...
in my head.

Enjoy.

Like You Mean It

 Today's earworm: Like You Mean It (Steven Rodriguez).  

I heard it first on TikTok. Go figure.

Am I too old to enjoy this kind of music? The Offspring would probably be duly horrified.

Cover your eyes, children:

F**k me like you mean it
Make me believe it
Walk the wire, it's alright
Love me like you need it
'Cause I can feel it
Take it higher, show me why

Perhaps a woman can still dream.

Supermassive

 Today's earworm: Supermassive Black Hole, by Muse. 

SO STUCK IN MY HEAD.

Enjoy.