Longing

 An older earworm has resurfaced: Harry Styles' cover of Girl Crush. I'm not entirely sure why this particular song is so VERY stuck in my head right now, but it is. Let's contemplate. 

Work has been extremely busy (painfully so), and it's been hard to take a moment to breathe or to seek a moment of zen. I'm plowing through the Things That Need Doing, and I am retaining my patience and my (relative) fortitude. There is precious little time, however, for empathy, sympathy, gentle kindliness, the kinds of sentiments that used to be so important to me.  Am I hardened? Or am I just... tired? Cannot pour from an empty cup. I'm holding on to the feelings that are too personal and too precious to give away right now. 

Girl Crush gives me a moment to feel a few feelings for which there is no time (or no space), the kind of feelings that were so in depth back in the days of youth. I miss the purity and intensity of the longing, the wanting, the wishing for the other person's presence -- a wish so fierce, it burned the edges of the heart. I did not know that those times were the blessedly simple times, before Responsibility became my constant companion in Life. 

Perhaps Girl Crush reminds me of the days when I could put all else aside and think about Love. 

I wish for all of you, the kind of Love that Harry Styles sings of -- but let it be requited, and let it be unencumbered by the follies and foibles of Life. Everyone should be so fortunate. 

Just a Foot Away

 Herself speaks.

I tried to get back in the saddle of writing again, but Mom Duty became paramount:  Offspring the Third, in the course of conducting an act of service (always a Good Egg, he is), sprained his foot quite badly. Immediate Facilitate-His-Life Mode activated accordingly. We've gone to the ER, to the Primary Care Doctor, to the foot specialist; ensured his abode is set up for mobility with crutches and/or rolling about on his desk chair; groceries; anything else concrete he might have needed. Moral support for feeling incapacitated. It was a lot for him, to be in pain, to have mobility issues, to not be able to do much, and I was glad to be able to be there. Everyone should have company when things are a bit Terrible.

He's doing better now: he can walk in The Boot (we all know The Boot that comes with a foot/ankle injury), is feeling much less pain, can sleep better, get things done. Progress!

So -- I'm diving back in. Again. Wheeee!

MEOW MEOW

Fine dining, with kitties. 

Beware

I have questions....

Look at that Bird

 Herself speaks. 

There's a term in relationship-speak referred to as a "bid for connection": a verbal (or nonverbal) attempt to get another person's attention, affection, support, or interaction. The term was apparently popularized by John and Julie Gottman, who are "relationship researchers" (that feels, in the words of movie Hermione Granger, like a "very woolly discipline"). 

I've seen the bid for connection recently on TikTok, described as the "look at that bird" experiment: one person says to their partner/significant other, "look at that bird!" What does the other person do? Do they look? Comment? Research the type of bird? Relay their own bird story? The level of resultant interaction based on the initial "bid" provides the asker information about their relationship with the ask-ee (and also about the state of mind of the ask-ee at that particular moment, to be sure; can't make sweeping generalizations from a single bird moment). It's an interesting idea.

I've spent some time watching my own Bid activity with my own People. It looks like this: if I can, I try to feel people out before I even get to the Bid stage -- will they be amenable to conversation or interaction? Are they busy? Are they mired in their own Stuff? Is this even a moment to point out, "look at that bird!" Assuming I can make an assessment and deem the Bid winds to be favorable, I send forth a Bid. If I am feeling brave, I may blindly send out a Bid without such knowledge. Either way, I know full well that it may be hours before a response appears, but hope all the same for eventual connection. 

I've discovered: I don't even get to the Bid stage much of the time; and when I do, so very many Bids go unanswered. 

It's a bit discouraging.

My People are so involved in their own Things that (my impression is) very often, a Bid will be unsuccessful or possibly even unwelcome. Everyone is either too busy, or disinterested, or in need of their own emotional support, or promptly vacates a conversation to attend to other matters. (In the latter case, I am torn between feelings of, thank you for acknowledging my Bid however briefly, compared to, having a truncated Bid feels worse than "I see your Bid but can't talk now, let's talk later when I can give you my full attention." No one says that and follows through, though.) 

I don't want to be a burden, or a bother. Can't just blurt stuff out Bid-wise when people don't have the headspace for it. And so I am slowly becoming more and more silent.

When a Bid is not picked up but just dangles there, out in the wild, waiting, I feel awkward. Unanswered small questions litter my texts and my environs, like dry oak leaves stirring with my steps. I scurry away from my one-sided conversations, and go hide. Never mind. I'll be (more) quiet now. 

Does no one have any extra bandwidth right now? Am I just... not compelling enough for people to ask what's on my mind or in my heart, or what bird is outside my window? 

It's hard not to take it personally. I know they're busy.

Should I take it personally? Maybe it's me. 

Maybe No One wants to hear what I have to say. There's a certain complexity/sorrow/depth to thoughts and feelings lately. Most people aren't comfortable with that. OK, then.

Send me a Bid and I'll listen, though. Tell me about your Birds. 

Puzzling

Beloved Husband and a couple of his friends went a-motorcyling by the Grand Canyon recently. They seem to have enjoyed it very much. (And they all work hard and deserve some relaxation and scenic vistas -- so good for them. It's important to take time for oneself.) 

He brought back a teeny puzzle from a gift shop, and we worked on it one evening. It has been approximately a hundred thousand years since I've worked on a puzzle, and I'd forgotten how satisfying puzzles can be. It was pleasant for us to undertake it together, especially since we so rarely are able to spend time on projects together that aren't Work projects. 

It was tricky, but we succeeded. Hooray! 

I Feel A Little Uncomfortable

A little while back, I attended a service at a Catholic Church. (I'm always vaguely surprised that lightning doesn't strike when I set foot inside, for I am very much a lapsed Catholic. I enjoy the readings and the rituals and the liturgy, and many aspects of the faith; I do not enjoy some of the very terrible history and cruelty and general exclusionary nature of the Church, not to mention the questionable hierarchy and misogyny and hidden abuse and other Issues.) It was a lovely church, with beautiful stained glass and interesting statues. 

One thought, though: why is Our Lord and Savior so... unclothed? How are we supposed to sit in worship with bare-torso-ed Jesus floating above us like that? It's distracting, frankly. He needs a shirt. If I could knit (or even sew), I would make clothes for our Lord.