Small Fry Rests

Pandemic Thoughts, Four

Herself speaks. 

I don't know how to handle my intake of news reports. Too much, and I am overwhelmed; too little, and I am fearful from lack of knowledge.

There really do appear to be people participating in protests about various state closures, even while many state executive orders are scheduled to expire in a few days. How will "back to business" really go? Two local malls are scheduled to re-open this weekend. All I can think is, what a terrible idea. The last thing we want is people dismissing social distancing precautions and congregating once more. We can all foresee a second wave of infections that will inevitably result. And what of all the struggling businesses, who need to re-open in order to salvage their precarious financial situations? Not to mention, how widespread are the terrible/and possibly unsafe conditions for many low-level yet "essential" employees? I cannot wrap my head around the enormity of the situation.

I am having trouble focusing on work. I want just to clean my house, and check our supplies, and figure out how to extend the chunks of protein we have into meals everyone will eat. Perhaps play a little Animal Crossing. Maybe even read a book. I am struggling with conversation topics, too -- it is hard to discuss politics or social issues or complex ideas.

I am still afraid to run errands that involve setting foot into any store.

I am still secretly terrified of getting sick.

As of today, there are over a million cases of COVID in the United States, to date. Sixty thousand deaths. A death rate of 6.46%, if I use the statistics that turn up right now in a web search. And that's just mortality -- what of morbidity? We won't know how we will fare until it happens.

Cannot think about it.

I listen to Harry Potter, as always, while I do my household chores. I find myself wondering: after the battle of Hogwarts, where does Fred's hand on the Weasley clock point?

How many of us, if we had such a clock, would find our designated hand pointing to "Mortal Peril"?

I want to be optimistic. And I want to be realistic.

I know nothing.

All we can do is cover our faces, wash our hands, and wait and see.

Indeed

Sign of the Times, Again

New Rules

Lover's Moon

Herself speaks.

It is day number wearenotentirelysure of social distancing. We are safe, everyone's health appears fine, and we have everything we need. There are occasions when someone in the household voices aloud their frustration at being unable to pursue certain activities or goals or desires, and when those of us who are more emotional have a Moment or a Minor Meltdown. Nevertheless, things are okay. It could be much worse. I am grateful it is not worse.

I am not sure where I am at in the spectrum of "doing fine vs. doing not-so-fine". I've lost a bit of the feeling of panic that I carried with me in the first days of the Work Safe/Stay Home orders; it might be an inability to carry on with that level of worry, though, that has caused that change. I am hyperaware of everything I touch, especially when I receive a grocery delivery or pick up the mail. I am uncomfortable standing too close to anyone. I miss the freedom of casual touch -- a peck on the cheek, a pat on the arm -- that used to happen naturally, without a frisson of fear.

I want to be Alone. Or rather, it is not that I necessarily want to be by myself, but rather, that I want to have a moment in which, for just a little while, I am not worried about the health or safety or needs of anyone else. A moment of peace.

Until that peace can be found, we look for solace wherever we can find it. Right now, we can find a moment of tranquility in this lovely woman serenading her chihuahua with Lover's Moon. 

Hard Work

It is exhausting for Tiny Dog to keep up with the housework.

Squirrel!

Can you see it?

Outside Is Nice

The Ocotillo Is Blooming

That Letter

Herself speaks.

I got a text from my dad today. He let me know he'd updated his Death Letter, and rather than print it out and try to send it in the mail, he would just e-mail it to me. I reassured him that I would print it out here and save it with all the other important papers.

I know that my parents are very safe: their retirement community is taking good care of everyone, ensuring that meals and mail are delivered, enforcing social distancing, keeping everyone safe. Mom, who is an extrovert by nature, is no doubt struggling from lack of social activity. Dad, who is more introverted like me, may not mind so much the lack of people-ing, but no doubt misses going to the little gym and having a bit of exercise here and there. They both would enjoy having their usual breakfast yogurts and a bit more salad, I am sure. Going to the grocery store is a concern, though; they are both over 80 and have heart conditions, so contracting the coronavirus would be Very Bad Indeed. Do they risk it, for a small outing and a bit of normalcy? It is hard for them to decide.

My heart is a little bit broken right now. I am so far away. I would love more than anything to be able to fetch a few groceries (and would even brave the grocery store for them), even if I just met my dad on the walking path near their facility and set down the groceries 20 feet away for him to fetch. I wish I could.

I sent them cookies and a couple of books through Amazon. What else can I do? 

I will just keep hoping for the best.  

Pandemic Thoughts, Three

Herself speaks.

I dreamed last night that I went to a store, and it was packed with people, and I could not find what I needed, and all I could think was I NEED TO LEAVE NOW.
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I took the small dogs for a stroll in the neighborhood this morning, and as they sniffed interestedly at some flowers, I looked at the lovely tree overhanging much of the yard. I thought about hiking in Santa Fe, and about visiting the Rio Grande Nature Center in Albuquerque. I desperately miss walking outside among trees and rocks and the noises of birds and water. I want to cry.
-----

I have been using a grocery delivery service, because I want to avoid exposure to people as much as possible. I am torn about doing so: am I taking advantage of someone who is desperate for money and willing to risk going to the store? What if the shopper is unwell? Should I wipe down all the groceries? Spray things with Lysol? Does the refrigerator kill germs? And more: is it acceptable to ask them to purchase something frivolous, like chocolate, or should I stick to necessities? What IS really a necessity? Will I be able to get eggs? What does the meat selection look like? How long until we have to do more vegetarian dishes? It is going to be interesting, feeding traditional-meat-eaters more non-meat meals.

So much of the joy of preparing meals has been lost.
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Every now and then, when I am with a member of the household, I feel their breath pass over me. It's not unpleasant; I love these people, and a certain physical proximity is expected when living together.

And yet, I think of germs.
-----

Facebook tells me just now that the sibling of someone we know has died from COVID-19. I don't have words.

I am terrified of getting sick. Of someone in my household getting sick. Of someone I love who is not in my household, getting sick.

Perhaps terrified is too strong a word. Perhaps it is dread that I feel. I am too mentally exhausted to be terrified.

I have so little control over anything.

I want to run away, from everything. But here I am, committed to doing the right things, being responsible, supporting my People as best I can. Because that is what I do. It is the battle of Hogwarts, and here I sit at the Hufflepuff table, ready to do whatever is needed.

Reminder

I do not want what I cannot have.

Even A Blind Hog Finds An Acorn Sometimes

Easter Tidings

Herself speaks.

It's an Easter unlike the others of the decades past; rather than gathering the family for food and conversation and an egg hunt for all the assorted offspring, this year we all remain in our separate nuclear family units, sending messages by text, and hoping for better times.

Things are a bit tricky right now. I can bring no consolation to Offspring the Third, who desperately misses having his own apartment with his own kitty in his college town (even though his kitty is safe in the home of my lovely in-laws). I have no words of encouragement for Offspring the Second, who stoically goes to work and quietly bemoans the fact that his plans to move out/relocate to a different city are on hold. Offspring the First fares reasonably well, but calls to chat when the strain becomes too great. All I can do is listen to all of them. It's hard to help them to see that this is (we hope) a relatively brief, strange time in human history, and that with a bit of luck and a bit of science, we will be able to resume our ordinary lives once more.

Hold tight, Offspring. You are loved. You have what you need. We are all, for the moment, well. These are tremendous blessings, as we shall see in retrospect.

I admit that today, I am struggling. I miss the minutiae of my life: time alone at the gym, forays to the grocery store during which I could roam the aisles at my leisure, imagining what my household might like to eat. Simple pleasures like going out to the movies, or even to lunch, seem incredibly distant.

It's remarkable that in a household full of people, it can still be lonely. Here within my head are fears that cannot be assuaged, concerns that are out of my control. Nothing can be done, except to wait. 

I do not have the energy to write, or to pursue other hobbies. I am in a holding pattern. Stay the course, stay strong. 

We shall see how things go.

This is how I feel right now. 

Social Distancing

At least six Tiny Dogs.

Springtime

Herself speaks.

Spring has arrived in the desert, and it is lovely out. I appreciate now more than ever the morning strolls around the neighborhood with the small dogs, especially since I otherwise do not leave the house. The neighbor's flowers are blooming, and there are birds enjoying the occasional fountain in a front yard. The sunsets are beautiful, and the stars twinkle at night. It's peaceful, despite the Pandemic that hangs 'round our necks like a horcrux. Perhaps it is a reminder for us to appreciate the moment, since we know not what the future holds. I'll do my best to be mindful. 

They're Back!

This Sums It Up Nicely

27

Herself speaks.

Offspring the First has turned twenty-seven.  It is a weird time to have a birthday, what with Social Distancing and Fear of Plague and whatnot. We could not get together for pizza and birthday cake. I am sad. She seems fine -- she is sanguine about the State of the World, doing her best to keep her head above water, to keep on keeping on.

She is such a lovely, warm, witty person. So strong on the inside. I am so proud of her. I wish for better for her than this current state of Pandemic, and look forward to the days in the future when things are more settled, and she can continue to make her dreams come true.

Keep flying, sweet bird. There will be flowers and fair skies. Never fear. You are tremendously loved, always.

 

Alert

Sigh.

Tiny Dog Diptych

 

Flashback Song of Comfort

Eurythmics, The Miracle of Love.

I hope you enjoy.

Pandemic Thoughts, Two

Herself speaks.

Everyone carries their own fears, worries, and disappointments right now. Several members of the household suffer from the knowledge that their goals and aspirations are put on hold for several months while the world sorts itself out -- so many Dreams Deferred. I listen to them, but I do not know how to comfort them. What can I say?

I have my own needs and wants. How do I fill those, when I have so little personal space and time to myself? And when everyone else needs tending, too?

I cannot bring myself to ask anyone for anything. They all suffer; they are best if they have no other obligations other than to manage their own suffering, while I to try to manage my own.

I wish for more. And better.

I hope we don't get sick.

God help us.

SQUIRREL

Remember the squirrel hole in the yard? We have spotted the squirrel itself. Offspring the Third and I were in the kitchen, and he nonchalantly said, "the squirrel is coming out." I tiptoed to the back door and took a quick photograph. HELLO SQUIRREL.

In these days of weirdness and uncertainty, it is reassuring to see the animals of the world going about their ordinary business.