Pandemic Thoughts, Three

Herself speaks.

I dreamed last night that I went to a store, and it was packed with people, and I could not find what I needed, and all I could think was I NEED TO LEAVE NOW.
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I took the small dogs for a stroll in the neighborhood this morning, and as they sniffed interestedly at some flowers, I looked at the lovely tree overhanging much of the yard. I thought about hiking in Santa Fe, and about visiting the Rio Grande Nature Center in Albuquerque. I desperately miss walking outside among trees and rocks and the noises of birds and water. I want to cry.
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I have been using a grocery delivery service, because I want to avoid exposure to people as much as possible. I am torn about doing so: am I taking advantage of someone who is desperate for money and willing to risk going to the store? What if the shopper is unwell? Should I wipe down all the groceries? Spray things with Lysol? Does the refrigerator kill germs? And more: is it acceptable to ask them to purchase something frivolous, like chocolate, or should I stick to necessities? What IS really a necessity? Will I be able to get eggs? What does the meat selection look like? How long until we have to do more vegetarian dishes? It is going to be interesting, feeding traditional-meat-eaters more non-meat meals.

So much of the joy of preparing meals has been lost.
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Every now and then, when I am with a member of the household, I feel their breath pass over me. It's not unpleasant; I love these people, and a certain physical proximity is expected when living together.

And yet, I think of germs.
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Facebook tells me just now that the sibling of someone we know has died from COVID-19. I don't have words.

I am terrified of getting sick. Of someone in my household getting sick. Of someone I love who is not in my household, getting sick.

Perhaps terrified is too strong a word. Perhaps it is dread that I feel. I am too mentally exhausted to be terrified.

I have so little control over anything.

I want to run away, from everything. But here I am, committed to doing the right things, being responsible, supporting my People as best I can. Because that is what I do. It is the battle of Hogwarts, and here I sit at the Hufflepuff table, ready to do whatever is needed.