Herself speaks.
With the exception of a couple of dorm rooms here and there, I have never actually lived by myself: I moved from my parents' home, to apartments with roommates, to my marital abode. That's the way it worked out, and it has always been fine.
As I am more and more firmly ensconced in middle age, though, every now and then I think about what it might be like to live by myself. It's not that I don't love my People -- for I love them tremendously -- it's rather that I have reached a point in time where caregiving and maintaining communal spaces and attending too/anticipating other peoples' needs, in combination with middle-aged exhaustion, has left me completely worn out. And so I occasionally think about: what if the only laundry, was mine? What if the only dishes, were mine? What if the only grocery shopping, was for what I needed? What if the space, was mine alone?
What if I only had to look after myself?
(I function under the assumption that my People are all tending to themselves/being tended to by Others when contemplating these things, because that relieves me of the guilt/obligation of worrying about them.)
In all honesty, the few times I have had the opportunity to look after just myself, it's been a little weird. As accustomed as I am to tending to others, I am the tiniest bit at a loss if I am only tending to myself. It's not bad, though.
Sometimes I contemplate what RV I might like, if I had a solo space for myself. And sometimes I contemplate what kind of small house I might like. I'm particularly fond of several of the designs of the Ross Chapin architects (link here: https://rosschapin.com/plans/small-houses/): the Edgemoor Cottage, for example, or perhaps the Egret or the Spruce House.
I think that perhaps I need to take more time for myself -- maybe find a way to go solo camping safely. Something that gives me the time to tend to myself (something I am terrible at), without the obligation to tend to other people as well. It would be restorative, I think.
One day at a time.
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