Herself speaks.
I've got a new nightmare. It's not really a nightmare, though, because it's not necessarily frightening or anxiety-inducing. It's just an... unpleasant and unusual occurrence, might be the best way to describe it. It is intertwined with ongoing migraine, which makes everything more vivid and which narrows the band between sleeping and waking. And it is very strange.
It's a dream. In the dream, something or someone approaches. It's a plant, or perhaps a person -- some kind of entity that has a definitive form, although the form has not quite coalesced where I am yet. I can see it, but it is shadowy, or perhaps incompletely corporeal is more accurate. It will, in due course, form entirely where I am. And the completion of its formation where I am is a harbinger of Bad Things. (The entity does not itself bring the Bad Things -- rather, its complete appearance indicates that Bad Things have arrived.)
I know in the dream that it is important that I wake up before the entity arrives completely, and the (always-short) dream consists of my attempting to wake myself up. I do inevitably wake up, too -- only to discover that the bridge between asleep and awake was a razor-thin line in the first place, and that I have been speaking in my sleep, or have sat up and am pointing toward the entity, or otherwise bringing the dream into wakefulness even as I bring wakefulness into the dream.
It has happened three or four times now, and is vivid enough and bridges the sleep/wake gap enough that Beloved Husband has noticed it and been disturbed by my behavior and the event. Definitely out of the ordinary. What does it mean?
I am at a loss to identify any particular feelings associated with the dream, other than a kind of danger is approaching sentiment (to be distinguished from active fear, which is a very different sensation).
Perhaps identifying what it is not, will help me to identify what it is.
It is not an abandonment dream. (I am very familiar with those, having previously had a very specific abandonment dream for years and years, until I recognized it for what it was and acknowledged the primordial fear of abandonment that I unwittingly carry with me. And side note, a story for another day: the abandonment dream I used to have with regularity, I no longer have -- the last time it appeared, an entity known to me made a singular, brief and reassuring appearance, and the entire dream disappeared in a puff of smoke, never to return.)
It is not a dream of anger, or powerlessness. It is not sorrow. It is not something of which I am afraid. It is something which I know is coming, which I would like not to encounter yet, but which seems inevitable.
As I write, I realize: I think I know. Or at least, there is a plausible explanation for what is lurking in my subconscious and emerging in the wee hours of the night.
I don't want to give it a name yet, because I might not be quite right. I might be, though.
We shall see.
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