Herself speaks.
Things that are delightful and ever so slightly bittersweet: it appears that Cherished Friend has acquired Oceanside Friends.
This is marvelous. What I want more than anything is for him to find what brings him contentment, especially people with whom he can spend time. I hope that they appreciate the fact that his trust is hard-won. They are fortunate to to have his company.
It is also slightly bittersweet, for it means that ultimately, he is less available to me. Because life has been a bit... fraught, I know that I have been reaching out to him more than perhaps usual for moral support. And yet, due to his admirable dedication to purity of focus when with someone (how can I learn to be that way?), he doesn't respond if he is out with friends. That is to be expected. The problem, in fact, lies with me.
It has taken me a great many years to come to terms with the idea that just because someone doesn't reply to a bid for conversation, that doesn't mean they are annoyed or angry with me or tired of me. (Ah, abandonment issues, how you creep in to everything.) Cherished Friend -- like most people -- is available when he is available, and is not when he is not. It seems to me, from careful analysis of the data over the years, that his occasional Silences appear to have absolutely nothing to do with me, but everything to do with what is going on with him, whether inside his head or in life in general. And I respect that. A need for solitude or quiet should trump a need for conversation.
The hard part for me is that I do not see him regularly any more, so it is difficult to tell what is happening in the Silence. And so, when I don't hear from him after I reach out, my mind walks down a familiar and unpleasant path: Did I do something wrong? Did I unreasonably ask for more than he can deliver? Am I just too needy, and is his silence an indication that I need to need... less? It takes a very concerted effort to get to the endpoint, which is: he is probably out with friends, or doing Things for himself. Good for him. I can eventually convince myself that such an endpoint is the true nature of the situation. Most of the time. I'm working on it.
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Although Envy might be too strong a word, I do feel a pang of wistfulness that it is not I (nor Beloved Husband, who has always enjoyed Cherished Friend's company), who gets to spend free time with him. His presence is soothing, a sheltering tree. Lucky are those who get to experience that. And lucky is he, to find local Friends with whom he is comfortable.
I'm happy for him.
Perhaps someday, with his fine example before me, I will be able to find a new local friend or two myself. It won't negate the space I hold for him -- nothing will ever change that -- but it may help ease the occasional loneliness.
That would be good.
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