Coiffure

 Herself speaks.

I got my hair cut last weekend. 

I went to the appointment knowing that something needed to be done. It was a bit long, a bit scraggly, just.. not right. A barrette or hair clip had become the norm.  It was time for a change. 

The stylist and I talked about it in advance, and we decided it should be approximately shoulder length - just a wee bit under, to give it movement. 

And then as he was cutting, he said, I'm going to go a little shorter. OK, then -- already committed to the haircut, might as well keep going. 

The end result was closer to chin length than shoulder length. It's a good cut, with a nice shape, easy to care for. 

I don't like it. 

Or, more accurately -- I do like the hair cut. It's an excellent haircut, he did a great job, as always. 

What I don't like, is how I look.

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I think we all are conditioned to think of long hair as being necessary for a woman to be attractive. I certainly felt... well, maybe not specifically attractive, but at least less unattractive, when my hair was long. The problem is, though, that my hair is not actually designed to be long -- though there is a lot of it, it is very, very fine, and tends toward hanging limply. There's no full glossy mane to toss over a shoulder, no cascading waves. Shorter works best.

The problem is not necessarily the shorter hair.  Perhaps it is my age. Fifty-five, how did I get so old? Or perhaps it is my weight (a problem to be sure) - I don't have the rounded succulence of youth any longer, but rather, an overblown mutton dressed as lamb situation. Perhaps it is even the fact that I so rarely have an opportunity to get dressed up and feel confident in my appearance. There is never a flirtation by a stranger, never even a second glance (or even a first), as I move through life as a middle-aged person. Invisible, or visible only as a prejudged (wrongly, I think) Karen. 

I know that I should look inward and be satisfied, in that I am doing the best I can with what I have, given the totality of the circumstances, and find my own self-confidence in just being, well, me. 

I haven't gotten there yet.

Maybe someday.