Volunteer

 Herself speaks.

We are at that point once more when I realize that I really, really need to cultivate some low-stakes, local acquaintances for friendly interactions. (I was going to say at first that I really, really need to find some local friends, but the word friend connotes much more than, and different from, what I need at the moment.) I am at a loss as to how to find these people, especially during late-stage Pandemic. 

I had thought about volunteering at the wildlife rescue organization, but that may be more of an emotional/time commitment than I have the mental space for right now. And every time I think about perhaps starting to go back to church again, I think about how much I loathe the Establishment of my chosen religion, about the Bad Parts and the Bad People of the church, and know that is the wrong outlet.

 Part of me wishes a tiny bit that I could find an environment like the early days of the taekwondo gym -- a group of friendly, cheerful people with whom to participate in an activity. I am not physically capable of taekwondo any longer, though; furthermore, the late days of the gym shed light on the ugly little bits of interpersonal relationships, and I do not want to be a party to something similar ever again. 

My Project that I undertake periodically sometimes serves to satisfy the need to human interaction. It was a Disappointment this iteration, however. And it is over for now, which means I must look elsewhere.

Perhaps a different, low-impact martial art would be worthwhile? 

Or perhaps, I could contact the mobile science organization of my city, and see whether I might be able to volunteer for something somewhere on occasion?

Some ideas. 

I just have to get past the frustration of knowing that I cannot have the things I want, so that I can start to search for the things I need. 

Festive

It took me a minute to figure out exactly what Facebook was advertising this time. 

EEEP. (Covering chest protectively.)

First of all, I don't particularly care for mermaids:

This one is actually pretty, and would look nice on a young small-chested person (which I am NOT, by any stretch of the imagination): 

And finally -- this is certainly... festive:

Meow

The kitties are sweet company, like the small dogs once were.

Strange Trails

 One of the best parts about driving back and forth across Texas for the past several weekends, was listening to the full Lord Huron Strange Trails album on CD. It's perfect for road trips -- it flows beautifully from song to song. Perfect.

I hope you enjoy. 

Uvalde

Herself speaks.

Nineteen small souls, and the two adults responsible for their education, gone in the course of one very terrible afternoon in the tiny town of Uvalde. It's unbearable. And yet shockingly common here in the United States. 

The more information that comes out, the worse it is -- the "good guys with guns" who didn't help, the whispered 911 calls made by captive children in the room with the shooter, the frantic parents trying to enter the school to save their own children. Panic and desperation and fear. Mistakes by authorities. The governor stating, nonsensically, that "it could have been worse".  

It could have been worse. Imagine being the parent of one of the dead children hearing those words. How?! How could it possibly be worse!? 

And then, the husband of one of the teachers dropping dead of a heart attack two days later, leaving their four children orphaned. Because things weren't terrible enough yet somehow.  

-----

Odds are good that none of us even heard of Uvalde before that day. And now, it has become a name that we won't forget, like Sandy Hook or Columbine.  

We think about our children, and despair just a bit about this world that we live in.  No way to keep them safe, it seems. All we can do is hope. 

Fruit

Saw a pomegranate while out for a walk this evening. 

Buns on Top

Sometimes, when the news in the world is terrible, the best we can do for our mental health is just watch the buns play. 

Sixes and Sevens, and an Eight

 Herself speaks.

Saturday, I went out to Offspring the Third's location, to help him to pack up and vacate his apartment. He has graduated, and his time in Points North-Eastern-ly have come to an end. It is time for him to come Home for a bit. 

Offspring the Third is a lovely human being -- kind, thoughtful, hardworking. He is the sort of easygoing person who doesn't make you feel foolish for not knowing something, who thoughtfully guides you to the right door of the building or the next thing to do without being pretentious or bossy or critical that you don't know what is happening or where to go. He is grateful for everything that is done for him, and voices his gratitude willingly and honestly. He is the epitome of Good Egg. Well done, Offspring the Third. 

Offspring the Third also has a tendency to struggle with organization (except when it comes to his workshop tools), and places tidiness and scrubbing-of-things low on his priority list. I can't blame him -- so many projects in school, so little time for self-care. As a result, though, his apartment was... a bit of a mess. He needed a lot of help packing and cleaning. And I do not begrudge him this, because he is a lovely person, and deserving of help in a time of need. And because I want to be the kind of person who willingly helps. The sort of person who drives six hours, spends seven hours organizing, packing and cleaning, sleeps a bit, spends six more hours organizing, packing, and cleaning, and then drives seven hours (slow-going, because Trailer for Stuff) home again. And that's what I did.

It was A Lot.

But it is Done.

I got home, and the rabbits needed tending, and the dishwasher was still full of the clean dishes that had been there when I left, and the sink was full of dirty dishes, and my laundry was waiting for me in the dryer. It was... A Lot, in a different way. 

-----

Last week, Beloved Husband mentioned in a conversation that he feels like he spends all of his time doing things for other people. There is no doubt that he does -- he works very hard, and very long hours, and the clients can be extremely needy and demanding. It's exhausting. And I completely understood his sentiment about Doing Things For Other People. Because I do the same. This is why, as much as I might wish that he would take care of the dishwasher while I was away, it is understandable that he does not. He is Tired. He needs a break too. We all do. 

-----

While I was in the midst of the organizing, packing, and cleaning this past weekend, I reached out by text to the people close to me, to try to get a few extra molecules of serotonin by connecting briefly with someone outside of my task at hand. They were not available, though; they were out camping, or doing family activities, or just not responsive. It was hard, because my need for support was very great, and yet their needs -- for silence, for their own mental space, for their own activities -- were just as important as my need. I can't take it personally if they cannot support me at any given time I am in need. I think it is OK for me to be sad or lonely, though. And I was.  

-----

As an aside, today is the eighth -- can it be already? -- anniversary of The Unmooring. That adds some Feelings.

My Feelings are tired. 

-----

All of Offspring the Third's possessions are stacked nearly in the garage for now, and he and his kitties are sleeping peacefully, with the well-deserved slumber of those who are ready to Rest After Toiling. I am doing the laundry, and making a meatloaf and a grocery list, and then will go to work, because Life Goes On and things still need to be taken care of, with or without any help.

One step at a time. On we go.  

MEOW MEOW

Kitties do not enjoy travel. But they are good sports. 

Grrrr

Purple Flashback

This time last year, I was making a "Bucket List" for Tiny Dog.

I still miss her. Who would have thought that a Tiny Dog-shaped absence in the house would be so very... giant?

Good girl. 

Meme of the Moment

Flux

 Herself speaks.

It's that time of year, when there are So Many Changes. Everything is out of sorts, all is in flux. I do not have the time to do the things I normally do to try to comfort myself (like clean or organize or even exercise regularly). I am pushing to the limit, though feeling more or less fine -- one foot in front of the other, one day at a time. 

And yet.

Sometimes, there is a little thing -- like the 'low tire pressure' light illuminating on the way home from work late in the evening -- and there is that minuscule moment, when I... wish, just a tiny bit, for just a tiny moment, that I was not the Person Responsible For So Much. Someone else figure out why that light is on. Someone else pick up lettuce for the rabbits. Someone else make dinner, unload the dishwasher. And hug me and tell me it will all be OK and that I'll get through this tough time.

And then I remember, I'm an adult, and it's time to pull myself up by the bootstraps. Do what must be done, as always. 

One foot in front of the other, one day at a time. I'll get there. 

Graduate

 Herself speaks.

This weekend, we watched Offspring the Third graduate from college. It was momentous, and despite the long road there, seemed sudden, somehow.  He has come so far and worked so hard. He's such a Good Egg. We're so very proud of him.

I'm not sure what I'm feeling at the moment. It isn't about me, for sure -- but even as I have watched each of the Offspring walk their own paths as young adults, I feel just a little bit as if I have walked with them. Especially with Offspring the Third. 

Sometimes, the hero of the story needs rest before he charges into battle again. And that's what I'm here for: to be the place of rest, the safe haven for Offspring the Third. It has worked -- for despite the world being hard on him, he has soldiered on, tried and tried again, and found himself and his own success along the way. 

Good job, Offspring the Third. 

Jumbotron

Times are a-changing!

A-Maze-ing

The new cardboard bunny maze appears to be a success. 

None of Them

 SWEET EVERLOVING MOSES, FACEBOOK ADS.

I've tried to hide (or flag as uninteresting) a lot of the ads on Facebook, because good gravy, so many ads. As a result, though, the algorithm tries more and more desperately to find some sort of ad that targets my demographic.

Like this one. NOT ENOUGH NO IN THE WORLD. We do NOT advise putting crystal eggs anywhere near one's yoni. We don't need a quiz to tell us that none of the eggs will be the best for us. 

That's enough internet for today. 

Finch

I downloaded the app, Finch. It is a bit of a self-care/virtual pet hybrid: by setting personal goals, meeting the goals, making small personal reflections, and other activities, a small bird grows and provides feedback and encouragement. It's a little hokey, but I like it. 

Each time the app is opened, a motivational quote is presented. Some of them are just fine, some are actually good, and one are two are... problematic. 

Like this one: "One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful."

 No. No, they won't. 

There is a certain medieval root in the idea of suffering being virtuous: when life was brutal and wretched and so often cut short by poverty or disease or war, the idea of gaining the bounty of heaven through the patient endurance of misery in life must certainly have been very appealing. 

I think it's time we moved beyond that, though. 

We don't have to think of struggle and suffering as being something beautiful. We can acknowledge the lessons we learn during times of hardship, and perhaps even grow empathy for others who might endure similar difficulties. It doesn't mean we need to paint those times as wonderful, though. 

Sometimes, Life is just hard. It's OK to admit that. It doesn't mean we're wallowing, or throwing in the towel. It just means that we are speaking the truth about those moments, without feeling obligated to wear rose-colored glasses. 

Perhaps that honesty is beautiful in and of itself. 

Signage

The highway was weirdly empty yesterday on the way to and from my lovely mother-in-law's house for Mother's Day.  The signage was excellent, though. 

Okay

Ever have a moment when you feel like everything just might be okay - and then you think about how lucky you are to know people who help you to feel that way? 

That's a moment to hold onto for when the going gets tough. Because eventually, everything will be okay again. 

Step by Step

I haven't accomplished much, but I have accomplished a tiny bit every day. 

Shivers

 Today's earworm: Shivers (Ed Sheeran).

A little pop music-y. But thoroughly enjoyable. 

Pink Expense

 Facebook ads, offering me "designer debuts". Oh, dear, Facebook. What makes you think I am the right target audience for FASHION?

That's... a very pink dress. OK, I confess, now I have to click on the link, because is that an attached cape? Where would one wear such a garment? 

And where would one find matching gloves and boots like THAT to complete this outfit?

And where, OH WHERE, would one find the spare money to purchase such a thing?

'Tis a mystery. 

Leaked Opinion

 Serious adult topic today. 

A draft opinion of the Supreme Court was leaked: overturning Roe v. Wade.

Ye gods.

-----

We saw this day on the horizon, there is no doubt. Ever-increasing restrictions, laws contrary to precedent, all designed to push to edges of what is permissible until ultimately, choices are no longer options at all. And here we are now.

Mine is the only generation I know, to have full reproductive freedom. My mother before me -- no. My children after me -- no. 

I don't really have words for how I feel.

------

Beloved Husband is capable of talking about the legalities of precedent, of the cases, of social action and social revolution and reluctant heroes of the next generation who must save us from ourselves. I'm not at that point yet. Because all I can feel, is the pit of fear in hundreds and thousands of stomachs as people wonder, am I late? And the nausea of not knowing: is the nausea just the fear, or something more?

-----

The ability to have control over when and whether to have children is fundamental to the wellbeing of every person of childbearing age. And, I would argue, to the wellbeing of society itself. We are now on the precipice of dangerous times, of desperate, back-alley action, of all-too-imaginable, preventable harm. 

I'm not here to debate why people have abortions - the reasons are as complex and multifaceted as people themselves. Nor am I here to debate when life begins; opinions on that are as varied as people too.

Know, though, that I am here to hold your hand. And hear your pain.

Inadvertent Lull

 Whoops, I forgot to add new things to the Blog for a few days. My apologies, gentle readers -- after the existential crisis, I took a few days to recombobulate myself, to organize kitchen cabinets, to contemplate people and Life and things. I'm back now. I don't have much to say, but I do have a fresh motivation to try to find the small wins of ordinary days.

Today's win: a wildlife rescue rehabber stopped by Work today, and had with her a teeny tiny lemur. Hamster-sized. So small and frail and sweet. 

All God's creatures.