Existential Crisis

Herself speaks.

I have always tried very hard to be an optimistic and positive person. I want to like people, to trust them to behave in generally benevolent ways, to have a sense of "people are inherently good".  I try to behave accordingly, using those assumptions, so that I can be an example of a tiny positive force in the world. And sometimes it works. And I enjoy being helpful, being useful. It's good. 

The problem is, though, I am caught off guard by malignant intent (or even just generally shitty behavior) by other people. It surprises me EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. And I cannot respond quickly to other people's problematic behavior, because I simply do not have the imaginative capacity to foresee most Bad Things that might happen and how I could respond. It's like a larger-scale version of interacting with an individual I know well, who occasionally says things that leave me *speechless*. I don't know how to respond to what is said sometimes because I simply CANNOT IMAGINE that anyone would say such things.  

I just do not have the brain power or ability to understand why people do what they do. And I'm discouraged that some people may not be inherently good. 

I'm more discouraged, though, by the fact that I seem to be vulnerable to unpleasant people in the world.  Because I cannot imagine All The Bad Things, I no doubt have occasionally inadvertently put myself into the position of having people take advantage of my goodwill/kindness/general desire to be helpful. Truthfully, I am probably lucky that nothing really terrible has happened. That's a somewhat depressing thing to acknowledge. 

And this is why, despite everything, I don't feel safe liking people. Because deep down I know I shouldn't trust them, and I can't trust myself to know what to do when other people behave badly. And the fact that people make me distrust myself, makes me even more angry at them. 

Imagine what a community of trustworthy people would look like.

Wouldn't that be a wonderful place to be? 

To feel safe. A rarely mentioned, yet absolutely vital, part of happiness.