Things I Should Not Do

 Herself speaks.

I am doing something I should not do. And I know I should not do it.

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I was told once, that I have a choice:

I can be mad.

Or, I can be mad with a plan.

In other words -- when I am experiencing a particular emotion (such as anger), I can either sit in that emotion, or I can formulate a course of action to change either my feeling or the circumstances generating it. We all know which is the recommended course of action: be mad with a plan. Do something. Don't just stew. 

And so, as I fester in my feeling, I know that I am not doing the right thing: I am not working to help myself or change matters. There is no plan. There is only feeling.

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Perhaps the time is not yet ripe. The more I think about this particular feeling, I suspect that I have mislabeled it: it may not be a single emotion, but a complex medley of several different emotions. And because the ongoing Pandemic has necessitated squashing down certain emotions in order to Get Through Things, all of the feelings are in turn all squashed together and difficult to differentiate. What are we looking at: Anger? Grief? Loneliness? Love? Fear? Disappointment? And am I focusing, laser-beam-like, on this particular feeling (or amalgam thereof) because it allows me to avoid thinking about other feelings? 

I don't know. And I may not be ready to parse everything. Perhaps it all needs more time. 

I am tired. 

One day at a time.