Old and New

Herself speaks.

We've reached the end of the year. Amen, hallelujah, onward and upward.

This is the first year in a very long time that I didn't reach the end of the year and think, "well, this year was really hard, and I hope next year will be better."  At the risk of incurring notice by the Universe of my having received some unjust good fortune, I will say that this was not a bad year, all things considered. There were some difficult moments, but also some meaningful occasions. There were some transitions, including some that will bridge the turn of the new year. Life has, most of all, marched onward. 

I'm grateful that we've all reached the end of the year with relative good health, and hope for more of the same as we move forward. I hope most of all that the people I love find tranquility, contentment, success, meaning and purpose in the year ahead. 

We shall see what the new year brings. Good luck to us all. 

I hope that all of you find a warm and safe haven in which to rest when you are in need.

Just Breathe

Today's earworm: Just Breathe (the Orville Peck version).

This is what we need right now: to just breathe. Let the holidays fall away. Breathe, re-center, and start again.

CouchTime

We had many people in the house for most of the past week. I am still processing the abundance of Social Activity. My brain is full. Right now, the small dogs and I are enjoying a little quiet couch time. We shall write more in due course.

I hope all of you have had peaceful and joyous holidays.

Feliz Navidog

Merry Happy

The Time God Chooses

And that, of course, is the message of Christmas. We are never alone. Not when the night is darkest, the wind coldest, the world seemingly most indifferent. For this is still the time God chooses.
― Taylor Caldwell

Selfie

Herself speaks.

I cut my hair yesterday.

I reached a level of personal dissatisfaction, coupled with wintertime blues, exacerbated by a workplace Christmas party in which I looked at the lovely long and wavy tresses of all of the other women in the office and realized that my hair would never be Like That. And so I decided that Action Needed To Be Taken.

The regular attempts to disguise the (not overly numerous, in truth) gray hairs that I have, are wearisome. While I enjoy having auburn hair, I feel a bit as though I am lying. This is not my true color. And I am over 50 -- who am I fooling? This is not really me.

What is really me?

I asked my talented stylist how we could go about moving back to my natural hair color -- whatever it may be -- and to bring the grays back into the mix without having a mouse-colored result. He added some cooler-toned highlights to blend with the outgrowth of the grays, and applied a gloss to ensure I would have some healthy shine as the color changes. The new color is good, I think.

I also decided to have the stylist cut several inches off. My very fine hair does not fare well with excessive length; it weighs everything down, and becomes rather limp and bedraggled. I need to acknowledge that I will never have glorious thick cascading hair. Shorter is the way for me to go. The truth hurts, sometimes.

The stylist did a very nice job, as he always does, despite the limitations of my natural hair. It looks good today. I'll do what I can to recreate the look going forward. Just a round brush and blow-dry, I have been told. Perhaps I will be able to manage.
-----
I posted a picture of the haircut on Facebook later in the day, in the hopes that seeing my hair the way it is now each time I open the app, will help me adjust to what I really do look like. Can I accept myself for the way that I am? Perhaps. I battle so much internal criticism.

Even assuming I learn to like how I look with the New Hair, there are other -- larger -- struggles. I am what one might charitably call a Big Girl. It would be very generous to call me curvaceous. It would be more accurate to call me Overweight. I carry extra pounds in my cleavage and around my middle as well. It's not particularly attractive, and I am very aware of my failure to meet conventional beauty standards.

Being overweight is a visible admission of my lack of self-control when it comes to carbohydrates. I'm embarrassed. And angry with myself. I feel... lesser, somehow, even though there is more of me.

I'm taking steps toward change. I do work out, and I am trying to watch what I eat (although holiday season, with its multitude of cookies, is defeating my dietary efforts a bit). To add complexity, I'm in mid-winter-survival-mode because of Social Obligations and Lack of Sunlight and Please Help I Need A Break From Everything. That makes it all a bit harder. After the turn of the new year, though, I'll gather myself up and deploy inner fortitude to try harder. Patience is key.

In the meanwhile, the question remains: can I accept myself, just as I am?

We shall see.

At least, I think, my hair looks nice.
It took over a dozen tries to take this one tolerable photo
for reference as I try to become thinner.

Perhaps someday, I will be content with how all of me looks. 

Home

Home wasn't a set house, or a single town on a map. It was wherever the people who loved you were, whenever you were together. Not a place, but a moment, and then another, building on each other like bricks to create a solid shelter that you take with you for your entire life, wherever you may go.  -- Sarah Dessen, What Happened To Goodbye

At Rio Grande Nature Center State Park.

Copyright 2016, 2019, Mediocria Firma.

All rights reserved. Used with gratitude.

Sexy

New stovetop, replacing the elderly one that croaked.  It is SUPER SEXY and I might be afraid to cook on it. 

Southwest Christmas

A house in the neighborhood has whimsical desert Christmas decor.

Percha Box Redux

Herself speaks.

Facebook flashbacks reminded me that nine years ago today, Beloved Husband, Cherished Friend, and I took a trip to Percha Box. It was an excellent adventure -- a bit of hiking, a cave, some interesting rocks, and not another soul in sight. It doesn't seem that long ago. And yet seems eons ago.

When I think back to that trip, I remember most the stillness and the beauty of the desert. It was so peaceful. All else was put out of mind -- there was nothing but the terrain and the plant life and the silence.

There is one minuscule detail I remember as well.  Beloved Husband had gone ahead and taken a somewhat steep route down into the small ravine, and Cherished Friend and I had opted for a more sloping route down a slightly rocky hill. There was a point when the way was a bit tricky because of loose rocks, and Cherished Friend, who was slightly in front of me, held out a hand toward me. It took me a very long internal moment, staring at his hand, to figure out why he did so. Then I realized that he was providing a stabilizing hand so I could get over the tricky part of the hill. I accepted his help, and then we made our way to the bottom of the hill.

I think back now and wonder why I did not immediately understand that he was literally offering a hand. Perhaps I had been so accustomed to fending for myself for most things, that I did not initially recognize help when it was provided. He had offered so unassumingly, so casually -- no big deal. And yet, somehow, it was important to me. Though not related to me by blood or marriage and thereby obligated somehow -- this person offered help. When had that last happened during my adult life? I could not recall. I realized: I had a friend. Miraculous. 
-----
I reminisce about that moment now, because Cherished Friend's path is in flux at the moment. There will be changes soon, and possibly more changes thereafter. I want so much for his happiness. I hope that the changes will bring him to where he would like to be, doing the things he would like to do.

I am a mere bystander to these changes, and there is naught I can do to clarify the path or force the Universe in a particular direction. I do know, though, that if I can extend to him a helping hand, whether literally or metaphorically, I will be glad to be able to do so. Always, my Friend.

Photo courtesy Beloved Husband, Copyright 2010, 2019.

All rights reserved. 

Winter Flowers

Even in wintertime, the desert still blooms. (Albeit on a smaller scale.)

  

Axis of Awesome

This is excellent:  Four Chord Song by Axis of Awesome.

So many fantastic songs, and so cleverly spliced together.  Well done, Axis of Awesome.

I hope you enjoy.

Interim

This is for those in limbo, for limbo is a very hard place to be. 

(Excerpt from For the Interim Time, from To Bless the Space Between Us by John O'Donohue (author of Anam Cara).

....

You are in this time of the interim 

Where everything seems withheld.

The path you took to get here has washed out;

The way forward is still concealed from you. 

"The old is not old enough to have died away;

The new is still too young to be born."

....

As far as you can, hold your confidence.

Do not allow your confusion to squander

This call which is loosening

Your roots in false ground,

That you might come free

From all you have outgrown.

What is being transfigured here is your mind,

And it is difficult and slow to become new.

The more faithfully you can endure here,

The more refined your heart will become

For your arrival in the new dawn.

So Far

So far in the Advent calendar, there have been:

Four characters: Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Professor Mcgonagall.

Three banners: Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin.

Two tables, plus assorted feast items including a roast chicken, several goblets, and more.

Two wee Christmas trees.

One larger Christmas tree. 

And one tiny Hogwarts Express. 

This continues to be AWESOME.

Too Much

Courtesy of the 60s-70s-80s station in Pandora, today's earworm: Too Much Heaven (The Bee Gees).

This is actually a sad song.

Nobody gets too much heaven no more
It's much harder to come by
I'm waiting in line
Nobody gets too much love anymore
It's as high as a mountain
And harder to climb. 

I wish for you all, a bit more heaven. And a bit more love.

Skip

"You can skip a day or two."

This slogan presumes that a woman otherwise would shave every day. 

Who has the time (or the inclination) to shave every day? 

Is this a societal expectation? 

It's winter. We shall skip a day or two. Or a week or two. Or whatever we feel like doing. So there.

Thanksgiving Redux

I made a few Thanksgiving favorites once more -- because one can never have enough apple pie, or cranberry sauce. (Pie for Beloved Husband, cranberries for Herself.) It is not quite the same, because there are several people who were present at Thanksgiving who are now once more dispersed to Elsewhere; perhaps, though, it will nevertheless be a comfort to have reminiscent comestibles. 

Twenty-One

Offspring the Third turns twenty-one today.

My fine young man. So creative, so tender-hearted. You are loved, so much. Spread your wings and fly.

Luminarias

We went to a local nature preserve/park yesterday to see the luminarias. Luminarias are a southwest phenomenon -- I never saw them, growing up in the northeast. They are simple: a brown paper bag with a bit of sand at the bottom, with a single candle nestled inside. They are set up to line pathways. Pretty.

There were many families there, ranging from babies in strollers to grandmothers with canes, as well as a group of teenage volunteers who were delightedly roaming around and re-lighting any luminarias that had gone out. It was a nice evening event. Well done.

Song for Sienna

Today's earworm: Song for Sienna (Brian Crain).

Perhaps I shall get the sheet music to it.

I hope you enjoy.

Advent

Herself speaks.

I have an Advent calendar this year, for the first time ever. It is a Harry Potter Lego Advent calendar, and it is MAGNIFICENT.

Every day has a new little happiness inside. Some of the days, it's been a challenge to put together the items (see, e.g., Day 4, which was the large snow-covered Christmas tree), because I am not-visually-inclined-to-the-point-of-almost-being-visually-challenged when it comes to rudimentary Lego assembly directions. I persevere, though, and then have the added satisfaction of successfully assembling a wee little figurine. 

I cannot express how delighted I am with this. HUZZAH.

Getting Along

Spiders

Offspring the Third made a set of metal spiders in his welding class. There are four smaller ones -- prototypes -- and then the one giant one (New Old Dog included in photo for scale). They are excellent, and I am very impressed with his skills. 

Lap Dog

One of the most endearing things about Thanksgiving, was how both of the small dogs -- who are always extremely selective about the people near whom they spend time -- would spontaneously (and frequently) sit with or on Cherished Friend. It was very endearing. I am glad that they recognize him for the Fine Human Being that he is. 

Squash Pie

Waiting for the Shower

A Favorite Pasttime

Nest

It brings me such joy to have so many of my favorite people in the nest for Thanksgiving. 

Odd Produce, Three

Compared to some of the other offerings, dragonfruit seems almost pedestrian.

Odd Produce, Two

That is... quite the purplish veiny yam. 

Odd Produce, One

How does one even eat that? Does it need to be peeled? Oh, dear. 

Helper

New Old Dog is a big help as Beloved Husband tightens the screws under the table. 

So Many Questions

What is this, and why is it in the garage fridge? And how long has it been there? 

Cutest Angriest

Tiny Dog had to have her thyroid levels checked to be sure her medicine dosage is good.  All of the vet techs love Tiny Dog, even though Tiny Dog alternately purposefully and studiously avoids looking at them, and then grimaces, barks and tries to bite them. "I have the cutest angriest chihuahua in the world!" exclaimed the vet tech who escorted Tiny Dog to the back room for her bloodwork. There is something very endearing about five pounds of furry rage and terror. 

All was well, and Tiny Dog does not need to go back until next year. Good Girl, Tiny Dog. 

Cheap Trick

Listening to classic rock recently, I came across this gem from Days of Yore: I Want You To Want Me (Cheap Trick). It reminds me of all those times I looked across the room at Beloved Husband and wondered whether he might ever be interested in me. A girl could dream.

I hope you enjoy.

Blue Man Group

Blue Man Group was in town, and they were excellent.

Not Heavy, Just Awkward

Herself speaks.

As I mentioned before, Cherished Friend may be relocating soon. This weekend, I worked with him to consolidate his possessions in his storage unit, as a preface to his moving Elsewhere. The effort went well, especially given the still-present uncertainty as to the timing or location of Elsewhere. We packed boxes and bags and sundries (none heavy, just occasionally awkward to carry). We drove across this desert land from there to here, and we rearranged the things in the storage unit, and all went surprisingly smoothly. Packing and moving are always hard, and perhaps even more so for an independent and reserved person like Cherished Friend. He nonetheless handled everything with good humor and with patience for the process.

I know that I generally don't like having people in my personal space, especially touching or rearranging my possessions. (There are Reasons.) I don't know whether Cherished Friend has a similar visceral dislike of such things, but since I was well aware of what would be my own discomfort in a similar situation, I did my best to be simultaneously as helpful and as unobtrusive as possible. He was gracious about my presence and efforts to help. He is on his way back to his current corner of the desert now, having left a handful of things in my house for temporary safekeeping. (It brings a kernel of joy to my heart to have them here.) We shall see what the next steps will be.

As hard as it is to continue to help prepare him to move Elsewhere -- which in his ideal plan will be far from this corner of the desert where I live -- it was nevertheless an enjoyable weekend. It was a privilege to have a glimpse into the World of his work and his residence. It was a pleasure to listen to him chat with Beloved Husband, even when the conversation turned to politics or economics or other topics to which I can contribute little. His presence is always enjoyable, and both reassuring and comforting. And I always feel Heard when we talk.

Lucky am I, to know my Cherished Friend.

Your friend is your needs answered.
He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving.
And he is your board and your fireside.
For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace.
When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the "nay" in your own mind, nor do you withhold the "ay."
And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart;
For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed.

When you part from your friend, you grieve not;
For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.

-- Kahlil Gibran, On Friendship, The Prophet

Picture copyright 2019, Mediocria Firma.

All rights reserved. Used with gratitude.

Brains

As the seasons march through autumn and into winter, the bit of grass in the back yard becomes dormant until springtime. This year, it's taken on an unusual pattern: it looks like a brain. Brain coral? Actual brain? Fascinating. Not sure why it is, but it is remarkable to say the least.

The small dogs are not impressed, though. 

Guardians

Desert

This past weekend, we went for a hike in the desert. Hiking is always restorative: it is soothing to walk in nature, with a backpack with any necessities on board, not needing to think about anything other than the pace of the trek.

Even though I cannot keep a houseplant alive, I am nevertheless enamored of plants, in all sizes, shapes, and phases of being. The desert has an abundance of fascinating specimens.

Tall:

Wide:

Finished:

Just begun:

The desert has a unique beauty, and so much of it is due to the flora.

Lovely.

Horizon

Herself speaks.

There may be change on the horizon.

There is a possibility that Cherished Friend may be relocating soon. The exact location is not yet clear -- it may be Far Away, or Very Far Away. Or even Someplace Else entirely. We don't know where or when, and we don't know the level of danger of some of the possibilities. All is in limbo, and limbo is a tricky place to be. It is hard to be patient, even when patience is the only option.

I know I would like very much if Cherished Friend lived near me; however, I know that particular sentiment belongs to me and speaks to what I want. It has nothing to do with what he himself wants. He needs to do what is right for him and to find where his own path leads, even if it leads far away from this desert land. 

In my middle age, I have uncovered and acknowledged a Truth that cannot be denied: we cannot impose what we want, or what we think ought to be, on anyone else's life. Not on spouses, not on children, not on parents or siblings, not on friends. The people we love must do what they must do. And if we truly love them, what we should want most for them is simple:

We want for them to be as safe as possible. To find their purpose, in work and in life. To have contentment. And ideally, for them to be happy.  

It is up to us to help them find their way, to provide safe shelter when they need a respite, and to reassure them that they are loved, always, no matter what horizon they see. 

Halloween

I'm a bit late posting the Halloween decor -- we were a bit sidetracked by Offspring the First's marriage. Offspring the Second was in charge of the Halloween decorations, and he did an excellent job.

We had a cemetery.

Spiders galore.

And grisly scarecrow holding the candy.

Well done, Offspring the Second. I do enjoy Halloween decorations, and he made everything Just Right.

Goal

Someday I hope to be able to read this. 

Potential Hobbies

Rojo

Herself speaks.

I have followed Rojo the llama on Facebook for some time now. I have always liked llamas, and Rojo has always been a thoroughly wonderful specimen. I would like to meet him in person. Because Llama. And because Rojo.

Alas, this will never come to pass: today his keepers posted the very sad news that Rojo's health is declining rapidly, and tomorrow, he will go to meet his Maker.

Why is this almost unbearably sad? I don't know this llama personally.

Perhaps it is the loss to the world of such a droll, friendly, happy animal. One furry silly-toothed llama has helped us not to think about the frustrations and sorrows of ordinary life. And one cheerful llama can provide a momentary reprieve when the world seems to be a Raging Dumpster Fire. We are grateful, Rojo, for your time among us.

Is there a Llama Valhalla? I hope so.

Godspeed, Rojo.

Photo found on Facebook, here: 

https://www.facebook.com/RojoTheLlama/photos/a.100865651674/10157434294406675/?type=3&theater