Disembodied Ninja: Watch Your Hands

Sunday, September 9, 2018

Watch Your Hands

Herself speaks.

I'm still angry about something that had nothing to do with me.

Pop star Ariana Grande performed at Aretha Franklin's memorial service. And the officiant, a high official in his church, groped her.

GROPED HER. Right there, in front of his God, the mourners, and everyone watching on television.

It seems impossible to believe -- until you look at the pictures and the footage. There is no way he did not know where his hand was.

(Look here, for example:
http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/opinion/commentary/ct-perspec-groped-ariana-grande-pastor-breast-aretha-franklin-0905-story.html#
And read the article.)

And when he was called out on it, his "apology" was even worse than his previous action.

"It would never be my intention to touch any woman's breast....Maybe I crossed the border, maybe I was too friendly or familiar."

Look at that language closely. He did not apologize directly to her, instead choosing to lump her in with "any woman" he wouldn't touch. He used hedging language, benign language: "Maybe.""Too friendly." Maybe: as if there were some doubt there. And friendly -- as if he had used too much of that positive attribute. Ridiculous.

I keep imagining what was going through her head - "does he really have his hand THERE?" And, as we have all been trained (whether deliberately or not), "How do I escape without escalating?" Because we never know how escalating will turn out. Do we risk putting ourselves in possibly greater danger? Do we risk "making a scene"? And self-doubt: what if we are overreacting? Because again, we tend to second-guess ourselves (and especially on national TV - surely such a thing wouldn't happen? At a funeral?! By a bishop?!) By the time she sped through the 80000 thoughts, it was over, leaving her feeling violated, likely criticizing herself for not reacting faster or differently.

I've seen it said: why didn't she punch him? That just puts the onus back on her to react in a way other people feel she should, instead of properly burdening him with behaving in the way he should.

This fills me with rage.

Even in this age of #metoo, there is still no paucity of men who will take advantage and then subsequently play the "I didn't know I did anything wrong" card. And plenty of people, too, will believe him over her. Why? Because he's a man of the cloth? Or because she wore a short dress? Justify, excuse, explain away. It's what is done.

Need more food for thought? Read about tending, here: https://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a19158567/what-is-rape/.

You will understand better.

And perhaps you will be as angry as I am.