Turtles

Herself speaks.

The community where my parents live is really lovely this time of year: leaves turning on the trees, yet still-green areas, with the water, the fountain, the turtles sunning themselves. There is a gently-sloping pathway along which to walk easily (either with our without a mobility aid), with plenty of benches for sitting and resting. If I lived in this community, I would take this walk and sit on a bench often.

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I'm struggling a little bit with emotions right now as we try to navigate my father's limited remaining time. I know what my emotions are and can name them; but what I cannot actually do, is feel all of them. Some of them come easily: compassion, patience. Some of them I cannot give voice to: anticipatory grief, for example. Part of me rationalizes that feeling those particular stifled Feelings does not actually change the situation, so it is not helpful to do so. Another part of me knows that it's not useful in the long run to squash down or deny the existence of those Feelings, so I should find a safe place and time to actually attend to them. 

I have reached an age (or stage) in life when I am not comfortable with feeling Feelings in front of other people. I don't want to be a burden. I especially don't want to be vulnerable. (This could be why, despite my recently-professed desire to make additional friends, I haven't made attempts to do so for ages.) Perhaps someday, I will be brave enough to do so. 

For now, I will ask the turtles to keep me company, while I contemplate All The Things.