Aspiration, Thwarted

 Herself speaks.

My aspiration was: after visiting my parents, I would swing Oceanside for a few days and visit my Cherished Friend before returning to my desert land. It's been about six months since I've last seen him. Far too long since the last time (but shorter, at least, than the nearly two years between the time when he left that corner of the desert and moved Oceanside, and my first visit), but I do the best I can. Work and Aging Relatives and Plague and Things have necessitated that I not gallivant across the country as often as I would have liked.

Fate has intervened, however, in the form of Hurricane Ian, and what was to be the day I flew into Oceanside, is now expected to be the day that Ian makes landfall right there. So no. Aspirations squashed. Flights cancelled, plans rearranged. Another time. 

I am disappointed. But unsurprised, because Life is this way. 

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I am reminded once more of my need to make additional friends. 

It would have been helpful, as I made the decision to postpone the trip to Oceanside, to be able to elicit sympathetic words from someone who understood how I had been looking forward to that sojourn and to spending time in the comforting and enjoyable presence of Cherished Friend. (Not something I feel I can say to him -- it is no doubt awkward and uncomfortable to try to say something supportive to someone who misses you. And I especially don't want to foist Feelings upon him.) 

There is the additional consideration that visiting my parents right now, as my lovely father grows frail and we all prepare for his inevitable journey to the Grey Havens, is emotionally fraught as well. I find myself wanting a hug, a consoling word, some thoughtful questions to help me parse my feelings. I do not want to weigh down any one person with the task of listening or holding my metaphorical hand in this time. If I had more friends, I could distribute the burden among them, and it would be easier for me (and them) to bear. 

What is the roadblock to friendship? Friends require give and take; friendship cannot be one-sided. Yet at this moment in time, my ability to give beyond what I already do is extremely limited. I have need, but I can only provide in limited amounts. And that is not a fair friendship. I am not comfortable offering so little to people, and I am afraid of people wanting more than I can give. I do not want people who try to rely on me, to end up disappointed. 

And so, I fold in on myself. I am Queen of Doing What Must Be Done. I will do The Hard Things, and carry my own burdens. One foot in front of the other. 

Yet, I will still work on putting in place more Aspirations, including an aspiration to find (and make) time with people with whom I can be contented. Because we all deserve a little happiness. Don't we? Even me. 

One day at a time. I'll get there.