The Things We Want

Herself speaks.

Disclaimer: These are general ruminations. You may find yourself thinking, "not all men," or "not all people," and you would be correct. I know noteworthy exceptions to the generalizations herein, and I am not speaking of them. As is said in internet parlance, "don't @ me." 

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There's a specific TikTok video floating around right now: in the original video, a very beautiful, tastefully made-up young woman murmurs to the camera to explain how you know that a man likes you, holding up a single finger with a long, immaculately painted nail to her lips for emphasis: "if he asks you how your day was, girl, you're in". 

The video has been stitched numerous times by numerous creators, each of whom pauses to contemplate the woman's statement, and then comments something along the lines of:

The bar is on the floor.

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Here's the thing -- I didn't immediately notice that the woman had said anything controversial. What does that say about my personal expectations?

And next the question arose: what do we, as women, expect from men? Does it differ, if the man is someone a woman is dating? A long-term boyfriend? A platonic friend? A husband? And is "how was your day?" really an apparent indicator of a man's interest in the well-being of a woman?

What do we, as women, expect? Is what we expect different from what we deserve, as suggested by the numerous TikTok creators? If so, how do we "raise the bar" and expect more than, "how was your day?" Then, how do we communicate the level of expectation?  

I get the impression that it is believed to be women's responsibility to train men to meet such expectations. How do we do that? By somehow "rejecting" them when they do not meet the bar? By saying the plain words of I need X or I expect Y or more, over and over again? What do we do when our words are interpreted as "nagging" or criticism, rather than an expression of need? How likely is it that men will in fact notice, or hear, or learn, rather than taking the path of least resistance and doing nothing except what has always suited them? 

When I asked a wise woman I know, why do men not do things, she explained, it is because for men, there are no consequences to doing nothing. 

How do women impart consequences? Are we comfortable doing so, especially with men we love? 

How do women get men to hear what it is that we want? And more than just to hear -- to actually take action? 

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Perhaps it is my personal stage of being, but I have reached the point where I genuinely try to expect nothing from anyone -- not men, not women, no one. People are who they are, and will do what they do, regardless of what we expect of them.

I am not sure that is the right tactic to take. Perhaps I should try again to explain expectations, and impart consequences. Help people to be better, to do better, and to somehow facilitate what I would like through those strategies. 

Perhaps I am too tired to do that right now. 

The hardest thing, for me, is having hopes and needs that sometimes feel like expectations. It is hard to let go of wants. Yet, I cannot control what other people do, or do not do. 

I do know though, that I can rely on myself. That's a good place to start.