Cavern

Facebook Flashbacks reminded me today that three years ago, Cherished Friend and I hiked in, and then back out, of the natural entrance of Carlsbad Caverns. It had always been a goal of mine to do so, and we made it come to pass. Very satisfying. 

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The Pandemic stretches on and on, and the number of days (countable in years, now) that Cherished Friend has lived Oceanside grows steadily, too. Without the ability to travel regularly to see him, and constrained by the boundaries of technology (because email, text, and Zoom -- while all extremely useful for keeping in touch across the miles -- lack the feeling of being there), I find myself wondering: am I being a good friend? That small worry is compounded by the realization that, because this year has been especially difficult in many ways, I might be an overwhelming ball of need right now. 

I worry about taking more than I give, about relying too often on him for conversation about serious topics, about taking up too much of his mental space. I don't want that. 

I think about my father, who worries very much about being a burden in his frail state, and I understand: we do not want to weigh down the people we care about. Daddy is not at all a burden. I don't know whether I am, though. 

I hope that eventually, things will get Better, and travel will get easier, and I will be able to spend the kind of casual time I enjoy most -- taking a walk, sitting in the evening dusk -- in Oceanside, with my Cherished Friend. And I will be able to listen to what he has to say in person, and I will be content. 

Someday.