Anticipatory Grief

 Herself speaks. Quite serious today.

The clock winds down: my father's doctors, after careful and measured evaluation of All The Things, have determined that he has approximately 12 to 18 months left. 

He provided the news in an email report, with thorough details about the decision-making tree, praise for his doctors, and commentary about maximizing his quality of life. And being an organized engineer as always, his papers are already in order. We all know how to carry on... afterward. 

 I responded that I fully supported his decisions, and that not to worry, we will look after mom. 

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I am a little bit at a metaphorical loss -- especially, a loss of what to say. What do I tell this man, who has worked tirelessly his entire life to make sure that everyone has what they needs, who has quietly, from behind-the-scenes, taken care of matters, without spotlight or fanfare? Besides: thank you. 

I will be traveling soon to go visit my parents, to make sure they have everything they need, to make sure they are handling things OK. This will be just a little bit harder than previously, because there will always be the nagging thought of, what if this is the last time? 

I am struggling. The last thing I want to do, though, is to have Daddy worry. So I will put on my brave face, and carry on for him.