Sitting

 Herself speaks.

TikTok, home of much Baloney (like so many other social media platforms), is also home to much entertaining and, more importantly, useful information. Concepts to contemplate. Words of wisdom. 

One TikTok creator I follow posted a video which included the following advice:

Take a moment to experiment with not trying to get needs met. Take a few breaths and be a needy person, have unmet needs, and not try to be OK.

That's quite the challenge.

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I do not consider myself to be a particularly needy person, in part because I make a concerted effort to Not Need Much. I am very aware of the Things that I do need, because they are mostly things that I need -- or want -- from other people. And because I am also very aware that needing (or wanting) things from other people, is not a fruitful need (or want). 

People do the best they can. And sometimes, the best that people can do, does not include being able to do the things that I would like them to do. That's not on them, though -- that's on me, because it is I who harbors a want/desire/need for something that cannot be provided.

So the lesson for today (and every day) is to learn to sit with an unmet desire, an unfulfilled need, a want that cannot be resolved. These things exist. And that's OK. And it's OK, to acknowledge these things, and not to be OK for a little bit. 

And then I pick myself up by my bootstraps, work on being more grateful for all that I do have (for truthfully, I have so much), and move forward once more. 

Springtime in the Desert

Luisa

 Never have I felt so... called out by a song from an animated movie before. 

 (Disclaimer: I am not currently overly stressed. The visit to Oceanside was extremely helpful in dissipating the built-up pressure of Ordinary Life.)

Today's earworm: Under the Surface (Encanto). 

But wait, if I could shake
The crushing weight of expectations
Would that free some room up for joy?
Or relaxation? Or simple pleasure?
Instead, we measure this growing pressure
Keeps growing, keep going
‘Cause all we know is...

Pressure like a drip, drip, drip, that’ll never stop, whoa
Pressure that’ll tip, tip, tip, ’til you just go pop, whoa-oh-oh
Give it to your sister, it doesn’t hurt and
See if she can handle every family burden
Watch as she buckles and bends but never breaks
No mistakes....

BFFs As Always

They are so sweet together. 

The Here and Now

 Herself speaks.

I have only let myself think ever-so-briefly about the fact that I would probably do a bit better overall, and especially in taking care of myself, if I had a local friend. Someone to motivate me to go for a walk in Nature, to run mundane errands with, to provide company for Ordinary Life. People have these kinds of friends. I need to get one. 

The truth is, though, I don't want a friend here. I want My Cherished Friend here. But that's not an option. So I need to try harder to tend to myself, and to remember that he is better off in Oceanside. Visiting him will always be a Joy. Perhaps I can find solace in that thought. 

Beautiful Bird

So many beautiful birds in Oceanside.

I did not see a roseate spoonbill during my brief visit to Oceanside, though. That can be a goal for next time. 

Gopher

I still have a few more photos from Oceanside. 

Here, we have the gopher tortoise. Neat!

Testing, Testing, 1, 2, 3

 Remember a month or two back, when we couldn't find COVID tests anywhere? That problem seems to be resolved. 

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I perfected Not Thinking About The Pandemic while visiting my parents and Cherished Friend: masks were rare and social distancing didn't really seem to be a Thing in their locations. After all these months and months and months of keeping to myself and keeping a mask on my face, it was weird to be bare-faced. A bit uncomfortable, actually. I prefer a mask: the scars on my nose from the last MOHS surgery are not visible. (And it's easier not to look like a deranged middle-aged chipmunk when one's face is hidden.) I prefer the anonymity of a face mask. 

I suppose that eventually, I'll need to get used to the idea of presenting my face to the world again. In the meanwhile, though, I can go back to wearing a mask in my home desert land. That works for me. 

Back to BI-RADS 2

 Herself speaks. Body issues today. You have been warned!

After the BI-RADS 3 breast ultrasound of last fall, I dutifully went in for a follow-up ultrasound (four months later as recommended by my doctor, rather than the six months recommended by the radiologist). At the beginning, there was a "don't-think-about-it-and-it-won't-be-awkward" moment of having a male technologist (with dutiful female chaperone); the technologist was professional, quick, and thorough, though, and probably is accustomed to and unimpressed by seeing the breasts of multiple strangers in one day, so the momentary horror was no doubt on my side alone. I pretended not to be embarrassed. And I got through.

The good news is, everything is back to BI-RADS2. Whatever that questionable item found last time was, it wasn't visible this time. Back to your lives, citizens. Nothing to see here. Nothing more to do than to have a usual annual mammogram. 

Phew.

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I have reached the point of middle-age where I feel very much invisible as a woman, where body parts like breasts are just one more system that has potential to be problematic medically. Every now and then I do miss feeling desirable, though. I wonder whether that need -- to feel desirable -- ever really goes away. 

Not yet, apparently.

Chocolates

Beloved Husband received some truly beautiful chocolates for his recent birthday, and ordered some for us as well. Look at them -- it seems almost a crime to eat them. Amazing.  

Closing Time

 Herself speaks.

Before I went to Oceanside to visit my Cherished Friend, I first visited my parents.

I do not write much about my parents, for various reasons. And also, because it is hard to write about what I see on the horizon:

My Daddy -- his mind, as sharp as ever -- lives in a body that is slowing down. 

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Some people may cringe at a middle-aged woman referring to her father as "Daddy". Yet, that is what he is: Daddy. Let me tell you about him.

He is brilliant. He is an engineer by training, and an engineer through and through -- analytical, scientific, mathematical. Yet he is also nurturing, in his quiet way. He is stoic and patient, and without fanfare, takes care of things. He gives without ever attaching strings to his gifts. He is kind. He is tenderly thoughtful with my mother. He is the kind of person I aspire to be. I could never fill his shoes, but I can try to be like him.

He is 87 now, and his body shows its age. I think about how he described his mother, my grandmother, as gradually fading away -- getting smaller and smaller until, at age 97, she just 'disappeared' -- and I think that this is what will happen to him. We don't know how much time is left. It is hard to tell. We do know, though, that time is shorter.

I try to console him by listening attentively when he explains how to pay the bills and where all the paperwork is stored. I hope he finds comfort in imparting the information to me. I do my best to be equally kind and thoughtful with my mother, as he is. I let him know that I will take care of what needs taking care of, not to worry. 

When the time comes, you can rest easy, Daddy. You have taught us well. We will do our best.

A dog who loves Daddy.

Beach Trees

 So beautiful.

Squirrel!

For some reason, I did not imagine there being squirrels on the beach. Yet there they were. It seemed like a very nice life for them. 

Beach Life

On one of the beaches in Oceanside, there were channels in the low-tide sands. They were dug by lovely shelled creatures. I have yet to identify them, but they were fascinating, and determined to move along the beach. 

Amazing. 

Baby Gators

Pelican

My Tree

Herself speaks.

I went to visit my Cherished Friend.

It was... Everything.

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I almost don't want to write about it, because there is no way to put it into words adequately. Nevertheless, I'll try. 

I set out, exhausted from Life, to Oceanside. I did not give much thought to what it would be like to be there -- because I was so afraid that the trip would not come to pass, that I could not bear to anticipate in case I would end up disappointed. 

If I had not been so Tired, I would have worried more about the logistics and the technicalities of being in his Domain -- for I know that he is a private and reserved person, and I did not want to be intrusive or bothersome. As I was, though, I just relinquished myself to the moment: I accepted that despite my limitations, my foibles and my deficiencies, he nevertheless would somehow tolerate my presence. And he did, with kindness. And it was Lovely. 

It was such a delight to do the ordinary things we once did nearly two years ago before he moved to Oceanside: to go for a stroll, to play Scrabble, to have a meal. His voice, so soothing -- sometimes I was tempted to close my eyes while listening, to hear his words wash over me like the waves along the shores where we walked. I could listen for hours and hours. 

The only hard part was respecting his personal space: knowing that he is not a person who enjoys casual touch/physical affection, it was necessary to refrain from sitting too close, from putting a hand on his shoulder or his head when passing by behind where he sat, from reaching out to touch his arm to be sure that he was Real. 

Yet he is very much Real. His house carries the familiar, consoling aroma of the house he once had in the desert land that I call home. And I spotted here and there in his home, some of the small gifts I have given him over the years, and it was magnificent to have proof that he exists in the world, outside of the memory I carry of him inside my head. 

He is the same as he ever was, and his consistency, his being of himself, is a balm to the soul. A stalwart sheltering tree, ever standing despite the storms of Life. 

My tree. Thank you for the sanctuary you provide. I don't have words to tell you how grateful I am. I wish for you, all Good Things. Always.

436 vs. 256

Lizard

Respite

Delight.

A Bit of Snow Here

En Route

Open Road

Beloved Husband is spending his birthday today, off-roading in the southwestern wilds.

There are even petroglyphs. Neat!

I hope you enjoy, Beloved. Happy birthday.

Dignified Fellow

El Distanciamiento Social

Por favor. 

It is finished.

We have laid my father-in-law to rest.

It was a simple graveside service, with a multitude in attendance. He was clearly well-loved, and will be much missed.

My task was to stand by the side of my mother-in-law. So I did. I did the best I could for her. She is one of a kind, and deserving of all the kindness. 

Godspeed, Buelo. We'll look after Buela for you. Rest easy.