Selfies

 Herself speaks.

I posted a new hair selfie to Facebook yesterday, that showed my face in addition to the new hair style. Hairdo? Coiffure? How does one describe hair these days? A headshot, as it were. Awkward. But it was what I look like, with enough blurring and good lighting. 

I know a lot of people consider selfies to be vanity. (I have some trouble with them sometimes myself, depending on the photo) There was purpose to my posting, though: to come to terms with who I am, and how I look, at this point in my life. 

I turn 54 in a week. That's... not young. It's not old, necessarily. But it's past the bloom of youth, there is no doubt. Like many women around my age, I struggle a lot with body issues and body image issues (two very different creatures). 

On the one hand, we have perimenopause, migraines, stretch marks and scars; that extra bit of weight that it is increasingly difficult to shed; embers of desire that are slower to ignite and need patience and encouragement; small glitches in various systems that need addressing and occasional medications. On the other hand, we have fears about loss of youthfulness, invisibility of middle age, lack of desirability, worries and fears both large and small, that crowd our brains and our hearts and keep us from letting go our doubts and enjoying moments. These are commonalities of so many women like me. 

Once upon a time, when I was young and bright-eyed, with clear skin and taut flesh, I dreamed of being found attractive not just for my body (which met enough societal standards to be the target of men looking to see whether I was an easy lay), but for my intellect, my personality, my self -- for I, like all young women, was taught that men only wanted one thing. It was a fantasy to be desirable in all ways - body AND mind. 

Now in the heart of middle age, those naive dreams have been replaced by a quiet inversion. After years of working hard on who I am as a human being -- through raising other small humans, learning my own flaws, and trying hard to do better and to grow personally and professionally -- I am a bit more comfortable with who I am as an individual. Most of the time, I like who I am as a person. I know my flaws, and I know how I could do better, and I continue to try. I assume on an intellectual level that my mind is worthy of love. (Whether I am ready to accept such love is another matter, for another day's discussion.)  I'm OK. 

It's my body that I have the most trouble with. It's... not so loveable. 

This is why I took a selfie. (Or two. Or twenty. Until I found one that I could tolerate looking at for a full two seconds without cringing.) And then I posted it. So that I could acknowledge my physical form publicly -- to see myself through others' eyes, instead of just through my own. And so that I can reflect on the fact that this is me, and I am within that bodily vehicle, and that despite its difficulties, it serves me reasonably well. So perhaps, even though it isn't physically particularly alluring, it is still worthy of love anyway.