What's The Secret

When I was facilitating the packing and shipping of Cherished Friend's household possessions, I encountered a throwaway question that stuck with me afterward. It gave a standard socially-expected answer; however, I'm not sure that there is, in fact, a correct answer. 

Mover: Are you from here?

Me: I've been in [this desert land] since 1997, so I'm "from" here at this point.

Mover: Where are you from originally?

Me: [Big city 2500 miles away]

Mover: How on earth did you end up here?

Me: Married a native [person from this desert land].

Mover: Are you still married?

Me: Yes, 29 years now.

Mover: I'm married and divorced and don't think I could do it again. What's the secret?

Me: A lot of compromise.

Mover: Yeah, I've heard that.

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I said, compromise, because that's a socially expected and acceptable answer. In reality, though, I don't think it's the right answer. Each marriage is unique, like a fingerprint. In my various Facebook groups, marriage issues and questions are frequently raised, and if there are 10 women in the conversation, there may be 11 different opinions. Some marriages are fortified by compromise; others contain little compromise, but much sacrifice. Some are naturally harmonious and require little upkeep. Others require the frequent mental exercise of contemplating, are we better off together, or not?  There are a thousand little factors that go into 'succeeding' at a marriage.

I know the Mover was just asking a simple, socially polite question. He probably has already forgotten he asked it, or what my response was. He wasn't asking me what has made my personal marriage work for nearly three decades. Nevertheless, I gave that question some thought later. 

And I realized again that there is a reason I do not write much about my marriage with Beloved Husband: because it cannot be distilled into a few words. A marriage is a whole ecosystem: it is not just a relationship between two people, but rather, encompasses children, siblings, parents, extended family, friends, and coworkers -- all of whom rely on on the married couple to have a foundation of marital strength on which they can depend and rely. It is a responsibility and not to be taken lightly. 

If I had a real answer to provide to the Mover, it would have been something along the lines of this:

Marriage requires an understanding of yourself and your needs; the acknowledgement of the strengths and limitations of your spouse; the ability to ask for what you need and to accept graciously what can and cannot be offered in return; and a willingness to make compromises or sacrifices to better the ecosystem of the marriage. It requires time together and time apart. It requires not just grand gestures, but tiny, daily ones; it needs appreciation and patience and forgiveness. It needs tenderness and kind words. It does not live in a vacuum -- it needs the support and care of friends and family. It needs listening, and it needs being heard. 

That's the just beginning.

Kahlil Gibran can provide insight:

On Marriage (Kahlil Gibran, from The Prophet):

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart, 

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.