Evolve

 Herself speaks. 

A bit after my lovely Daddy died, I cut my hair short and dyed it more red. (I used to occasionally joke that I was in my "poison dart frog" era.)  I'm sure that Freud would have a field day dissecting the innermost reasons for the change. 

There was, to be sure, an amount of Heat Miser rage embodied in the short red hair. That year -- 2023 -- was a year of So Much Terrible, of Heartache unimagined and unimaginable, that the only possible action was a complete change of appearance, a metamorphosis, an outward indicator of the difficult state within. 

The Terrible continued into 2024, to the point that I asked for pharmaceutical help in order to further process and move through all of the Things. It has been a very, very, very long road. 

Time has passed, and the Terrible has attenuated. Grief has softened somewhat, although it periodically still has very sharp edges. I have done my best to let go of what I cannot change, and to move forward in new ways. It has not been easy.

The temptation has been to harden my heart, yet that thought yields a complex feeling which fans the embers of anger: why must I be made of stone? Must my joy in being open, kind, and warm also be stolen from me, along with everything else I have lost?  

Such a delicate balancing act -- remaining guarded, yet remaining true to my inner self. And with my Offspring, my siblings, my Cherished Friend all being far away, and with Beloved Husband being so busy and so often unavailable, there are very few opportunities to safely be who I am.

I refuse to give up, though. I may have built internal walls, but I have kept a window. And I have deliberately chosen to remain soft on the inside. You'd have to look really hard to find that softness, but it is there. 

My hair reflects my choice. I've let it grow out, and have returned to a more natural brown color. I like it. It's not as angry. It's kinder. It is hair to put in a ponytail while taking care of Stuff, hair to run fingers through. 

Freud would probably have a field day about this hair choice as well. 

I'll keep it this way for a while.