Look at that Bird

 Herself speaks. 

There's a term in relationship-speak referred to as a "bid for connection": a verbal (or nonverbal) attempt to get another person's attention, affection, support, or interaction. The term was apparently popularized by John and Julie Gottman, who are "relationship researchers" (that feels, in the words of movie Hermione Granger, like a "very woolly discipline"). 

I've seen the bid for connection recently on TikTok, described as the "look at that bird" experiment: one person says to their partner/significant other, "look at that bird!" What does the other person do? Do they look? Comment? Research the type of bird? Relay their own bird story? The level of resultant interaction based on the initial "bid" provides the asker information about their relationship with the ask-ee (and also about the state of mind of the ask-ee at that particular moment, to be sure; can't make sweeping generalizations from a single bird moment). It's an interesting idea.

I've spent some time watching my own Bid activity with my own People. It looks like this: if I can, I try to feel people out before I even get to the Bid stage -- will they be amenable to conversation or interaction? Are they busy? Are they mired in their own Stuff? Is this even a moment to point out, "look at that bird!" Assuming I can make an assessment and deem the Bid winds to be favorable, I send forth a Bid. If I am feeling brave, I may blindly send out a Bid without such knowledge. Either way, I know full well that it may be hours before a response appears, but hope all the same for eventual connection. 

I've discovered: I don't even get to the Bid stage much of the time; and when I do, so very many Bids go unanswered. 

It's a bit discouraging.

My People are so involved in their own Things that (my impression is) very often, a Bid will be unsuccessful or possibly even unwelcome. Everyone is either too busy, or disinterested, or in need of their own emotional support, or promptly vacates a conversation to attend to other matters. (In the latter case, I am torn between feelings of, thank you for acknowledging my Bid however briefly, compared to, having a truncated Bid feels worse than "I see your Bid but can't talk now, let's talk later when I can give you my full attention." No one says that and follows through, though.) 

I don't want to be a burden, or a bother. Can't just blurt stuff out Bid-wise when people don't have the headspace for it. And so I am slowly becoming more and more silent.

When a Bid is not picked up but just dangles there, out in the wild, waiting, I feel awkward. Unanswered small questions litter my texts and my environs, like dry oak leaves stirring with my steps. I scurry away from my one-sided conversations, and go hide. Never mind. I'll be (more) quiet now. 

Does no one have any extra bandwidth right now? Am I just... not compelling enough for people to ask what's on my mind or in my heart, or what bird is outside my window? 

It's hard not to take it personally. I know they're busy.

Should I take it personally? Maybe it's me. 

Maybe No One wants to hear what I have to say. There's a certain complexity/sorrow/depth to thoughts and feelings lately. Most people aren't comfortable with that. OK, then.

Send me a Bid and I'll listen, though. Tell me about your Birds.