Side Effect

 Herself speaks.

One of the... side effects, I suppose one could call it, of antidepressants, is that now that I am not numb with grief and obligation, there is more time to reflect on Things. (Or maybe, there's more Thinking in general, instead of just being mired in the Abyss.) Sometimes, it's Good. Other times, long-hidden Sadnesses and Traumas swim up and present themselves for processing. 

(I know that the word trauma tends to be overused these days. I don't use it lightly. While I have generally lived a very good life, there are events, conversations, and ongoing patterns that have been quite difficult. These have shaped me in ways -- often negative -- that ultimately need to be addressed and understood, so that I can move past them and do better, for myself and for the people I love.) 

Processing is slow, and tiring. But necessary. 

I keep wanting to explain myself. This is why I react so strongly to this particular scenario. This is why the way a sentence is phrased is so important to me. This is why I work so hard to ensure someone's personal space is respected. This is why it is so necessary to choose the right time and place to say certain things. This is why I always give my full attention to health issues, however minor, and treat them as ordinary occurrences rather than as some kind of moral failing. This is why I always listen to other people describing their dreams. This is why I feel abandoned when certain things happen. 

But do people want to know why? No. No one cares about motivations. No one wants to know why I am the Odd Duck that I am. In all likelihood, they just want me to conform to social norms and be low maintenance. I try. I don't ask for much, so I do consider myself low maintenance.  As for social norms? Well, that's hit or miss, as always. 

Ultimately, people are mostly concerned with themselves: they just want to be heard, to be seen, and to feel understood. So I make that my primary mission. Perhaps, if I try hard enough, people will do the same for me. 

I know that's pipe dream. But, I can still dream.