Chronic Chronicles

 Herself speaks.

I had an appointment yesterday to follow up with the neurologist. At this point, I'm paying more than $50/minute copay to speak with the doctor in order to have my prescriptions refilled; this time, I did get the added benefit of having a particular assistant in the office assigned the task of helping me to navigate the rejection of the pre-authorization of the one and only medication that has been effective in stopping an incipient migraine from turning into a full-blown horror show for me. Let's hope she and I together are successful in convincing the insurance company that no, I'm not just overusing over-the-counter NSAIDs, but I do in fact have chronic and fairly terrible migraine that needs this particular medication. 

The neurologist seems to regularly have freshly minted doctors doing a rotation through her office -- this was the second or third time in the past couple of years that I've had a wet-behind-the-ears MD doing my intake information. It's always an interesting exercise because they ask more questions than the neurologist does at this point: how many days of headache? How many hours per day? On a scale of 1-10, how severe is the pain? How many days of migraine?  

As I responded to the questions, I realized that my point of view on what level of pain constitutes an acceptable level, is forever skewed: three days of headache a week, not even bothering to take an NSAID unless the pain was a 4 or more, pain lasting for a few hours on each occasion, and about 3 migraines a month -- that, in  my eyes, is a VAST IMPROVEMENT over where I started. I'm willing to live like this. It's better. It's tolerable.  Let's keep the current medication regimen and not try anything new, because I don't want to rock the boat and risk making things worse from where they are now.

That's pretty horrifying, looking at it from the outside. But it's the life I live. I don't even mention the headache/migraine unless it's interfering with something that I need to do for someone else. I just power through.

It's taking a lot of readjusting of my mindset as to what I can realistically do. Some days, the best I can do is... nothing. Lie on the couch. Do a little bit of DuoLingo. Surf through TikTok. Feed the pets. Order pet supply pickup. Order grocery delivery.  Contemplate what days I can move my pending household tasks to. Do whatever I can do to minimize wear and tear on myself. 

The task at hand is to Get Through. Tending to the pain is enough. 

(And, perhaps, I would do well to remember that some days, tending to existential pain is also enough, too.) 

It's frustrating. In this world of Multitasking and Monetize Your Hobbies and Constant Social Media Input, it's hard not to feel self-critical about not doing all the time. 

But: managing pain IS doing. Surviving IS doing. 

There will be better days. (And worse days.) We take one day at a time. And we do our best not to criticize ourselves for the days when even boiling water seems like a lot. Because some days, it IS a lot. 

On we go.