Asking

Do not make me ask for things.

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Any time I hear "If you need help, just let me know" or "do you need help with that?" you can be absolutely certain that I will not respond with "yes, I need help please" or "yes please". I cannot ask. Why? Because I can do 99.9% of all the things by myself. Will I be uncomfortable or annoyed or have difficulty doing the things by myself? Possibly. Maybe even probably. But technically, I can do things without assistance. So I do. I will not ask for help. 

Would I like help? Why, yes. Yes, I would. Very much. But will I ask? No. For life has taught me that asking comes with a Price, and that Price is not one that I am willing to pay. 

The same goes for questions or comments punctuated by, "if you want" or "whatever you want".  While at first blush these may seem like generous statements -- allowing me to have exactly what I choose -- they are, in fact, hidden requirements that I ask for things. It is not just picking between A and B (which is a palatable option, because it implies that the other person finds both A and B to be acceptable and I am just weighing in), but instead, these questions necessitate providing my complete input on the field of whatever, which requires the weighing of all of the choices and selecting one that will somehow magically be OK for everyone involved. No thank you. That's too much risk. And there will be a Price.

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I am a fully fledged Adult, with a great many Responsibilities. I am so very tired. 

Imagine my relief when someone else steps up and doesn't require me to put myself in the vulnerable position of asking for Help; when they make choices so that I do not have to do so; when they take action that makes me feel as if they notice and care enough to Do Things that tend to my wellbeing. What a comfort, to be loved in that way. 

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Ironically, to me, it doesn't seem like a lot to ask. It does require a certain kind of communication, though, and differently-chosen words. 

Perhaps I am hindered by semantics. It is hard for me to look beyond the spoken word into intent. Certain words mean certain things to me, and may mean different things to different people. I cannot read minds. Then again, other people cannot read my mind, either. 

Despite all my efforts to harness the precision of the English language, I still cannot get to what I need. 

And this is why I have given up Asking, and just Do by myself.