Zoom a Zoom Zoom

 Herself speaks.    

I had a Zoom call with Cherished Friend last night. It had been a while since we'd last spoken -- since January, perhaps? -- which seems like a long, long time. It's somehow simultaneously easy, and extra hard, to allow time to slip by in between conversations, when Life is busy and there are houseguests on his end and social obligations on my end and time zone differences and when I am taking a bit of a trip on the Struggle Bus. I am hesitant to ask for a call, because I do not want to intrude on his Life; and yet, I want very much to have that call, so that for a couple of hours, he is more clearly a part of my Life, through the magic of the internet and Zoom. 

It was lovely, as it always is. 

-----

I have been thinking a lot lately about how I need to make some local friends: people with whom I can do small things like attend the little farmer's market nearby, take an occasional walk, go out to dinner with when Beloved Husband is out-of-town as he has been for much of the past two weeks. It would be really helpful if I could have someone serve as a body double to get onerous tasks done on occasion. And to talk with about things large and small, or about nothing at all.  It is not fair, or realistic, to rely on Beloved Husband for all of these things, because he is very busy, and has so many of his own activities. I need my own village of People to keep me company. I need Friends.

-----

Cherished Friend -- as I was reminded during our Zoom call last night -- is exactly the kind of Friend I enjoy most: intelligent, interesting, witty; the kind of person who makes you think about Stuff, who is sufficiently politically different to be challenging, but always willing to listen; and ultimately, kind. He does not make me feel stupid or inadequate for my point of view. And he listens. I am comfortable with him. I could talk with him for ages, except he lives sixteen hundred miles and two time zones away. 

I cannot imagine feeling as comfortable with anyone else.  And I'm stymied in my thoughts about making additional friends locally, because I don't actually want new friends locally: what I really want, is my Cherished Friend locally.

That's not to be. 

I do not want what I cannot have.

So I need to pull myself up by my bootstraps, be a grownup, and work with what I can have. Identify and make surface-level local friends, and keep my Cherished Friend where he belongs, in Oceanside. 

-----

Sometimes, when I am having a Hard Time, I worry that one day he will wake up and realize that he's not interested in maintaining the friendship any longer. That I am simultaneously Too Much and Not Enough, to be worth the effort over the time and the miles. Pathetic. Needy. No Thank You. 

And I could not fault him, really. His life is full enough, without his having to tend to a long distance friendship. I don't want to be an obligation or a burden. I'll go. 

Until that day, though, I'll be ever-so-glad to schedule the occasional video chat, and enjoy his company, through the magnificent tool that is Zoom.