The Eye of Sauron

 There have been a couple of follow-up visits for what turned out to be a retinal macroaneurysm. I haven't written about it because that minor medical horror took a back seat to my lovely Daddy's demise later the same day. It's an ongoing issue, though, so let's circle back and enjoy this annoyance that is another-middle-aged-body-issue.

I have seen the retina specialist twice now. At the first visit, he confirmed that the macroaneurysm seemed to be self-limiting and healing on its own, with no need for treatment at this stage. Thank goodness. 

(It does, in fact, appear to be healing, because instead of appearing like a large bright orange blob in my field of vision, now the outer edges are dissipating and breaking up -- so it's more of a smaller blob with a smattering of rings/radiating bits around it. It looks, all in all, like a wee little Eye of Sauron, sort of in the lower-middle of my field of vision. It's translucent and not too bothersome. This is good because there may always be a little remaining blob there. A blobula? is there a technical term for a teeny blob?)

The retina specialist is not sure why it happened. He mentioned that sometimes, high blood pressure can cause these things. His line of questioning was... peculiar? Not quite well-explained? however, because he asked me if I had been carrying a lot of heavy groceries, or arguing a lot with.... arguing a lot. (He stopped himself just short of saying "with your husband", I am sure.) He changed direction and said instead that we don't always know what blood pressure is doing, particularly if one is carrying a lot of heavy groceries or has arguments.

Apparently, it's "querulous housewife" syndrome?

There were no questions regarding whether there had been any stressors in my life lately, or regarding my occupation or general health. As I sat there, with a mourning ribbon pinned to my shirt, I thought that perhaps if he'd looked at ME or at the information in my chart, rather than just at my eyeballs, there might have been a clue that I am a business professional with chronic migraine who just lost a parent. Maybe any of those other things might contribute to any potential blood pressure issues? Just maybe? 

My blood pressure happens to be pretty well controlled, in part because one of my migraine meds lowers blood pressure, and also because my cardiologist keeps a close eye on my blood pressure due to family history. At any rate, I kept a notebook with my blood pressure readings for the next month until my subsequent follow-up appointment and presented it to the retina specialist. It showed that my blood pressure was fine, every day, no matter what time of day or what I was doing. 

Since it thus appears that my blood pressure is not the culprit, the retina specialist stated that it had to be coughing, sneezing, or straining due to constipation. He stared at me expectantly, waiting for me to... apparently confess that one of those things had caused the issue?  Well, I was at a loss. I hadn't been sick, and honestly, because of low-grade IBS, have virtually never been constipated. (We'll just leave aside the awkwardness of discussing one's bowel habits with the eye doctor.) So it's a mystery.

Oh, and that second visit revealed that there is a SECOND macroaneurysm present. In the other eye. It's a small one, and not visible to me. The retina specialist did not seem terribly concerned, though, and told me to come back for a third visit in a few months. 

Also, apparently I'm not supposed to worry about these things happening, because worrying will raise my blood pressure, which is one of the causes of these things happening. The retina specialist seems very concerned about whether I am worrying or not -- because I'll somehow be contributing to the problem by worrying about it? It all seems very much like dismissive "woman with anxiety" medical attitude. I want to believe that this clearly-very-bright doctor isn't harboring such a backwards attitude, but it's a little difficult. 

For the love of Pete. 

I don't know why this is happening (and as we know, I am not a fan of not knowing why things are happening medically). All I can do is wait and see if it goes away, or if it doesn't. 

So: I try not to think about it. That was a little tricky when I had a cold last week (so much coughing), but what can I do? 

One foot in front of the other. One day at a time. With a tiny Eye of Sauron accompanying me.