Light

The struggle continues.

I'm having trouble putting it into words, exactly. 

I am still very much grieving the loss of my Dad. He was one of the few people who -- in his very Dad-like way -- metaphorically stood between me and the Harms of the World, and he is now Gone. I am not necessarily unsheltered or unprotected, but I very much miss the knowledge that there was someone in the world who would be there for me, if I ever needed them. A source of quiet unconditional love, disappeared, never to return. Like a last ember, snuffed out -- no amount of waiting for its glow to reemerge from the bed of ashes will change the now-permanence of its absence. 

I can get nothing done. I have no motivation to do my tasks, to tend to my house, to others, to myself. I am going through the motions in order to remain socially acceptable. 

I dreamed the other night of going to visit his grave. I wonder if that would bring me some solace. 

I need to try to think ahead: to find something to look forward to, to make plans, to have dreams. Daddy would want that. He asked me sometimes if I was still thinking about getting a cabin in New Mexico, or about visiting Iceland or Ireland. Those were all things I thought about every now and then and talked with him about on occasion. He wanted me to have dreams. 

I have trouble having dreams. I am afraid of disappointment. If I don't want anything, I cannot be disappointed. 

One thing I do want, though, is more human connection. That is tricky, though: I need very specific connection -- purposeful, meaningful. Not superficial discussion of wine or fashion or diet. And I also need people not to ask anything of me: please do not ask me to go somewhere or pursue a minor quest or do something or make a phone call or go to the store. I am full up on minor tasks. I will, however, Listen to what is close to your heart, because that is the connection I need now. I will listen until the end of time. 

Build me a bridge of words, between your heart and mine. That is what I need most right now. 

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I will keep putting one foot in front of the other, day by day, moment by moment, for now. I hope that it will get easier in time. I need to have patience with myself, as my Daddy had patience with himself in his last days, doing the best he could, in his own time. 

If you too are struggling, and looking for purpose, I will ask you to sit with me. We can sit in companionable silence, and contemplate the questions. Your presence will be consoling for me, and your company is what I need most. I am grateful for you, even if you do not have answers for yourself or for me. 

Believe that there's light at the end of the tunnel.  Believe that you might be that light for someone else.  - Kobi Yamada