In the Blood

 Medical/body issues today. You have been warned! 

Herself speaks.

It's bodily maintenance time! I gathered up all my various bloodwork orders from various doctors and took them in all at once to the lab this past week: cardiology, endocrinology, gynecology. Because I'm that person, I read all the results as soon as they are posted rather than waiting for word from my doctors. And the results were decidedly mixed.

Endocrinology (the thyroid doctor): I win! My vitamin D level is where it needs to be, and my thyroid levels are good, too, which means I don't need any adjusting to the meds I take to keep that thyroid nodule from misbehaving. Look, something's going right!

Gynecology: I... don't know whether I win or lose? Hormones say, looks like I am not near menopause. Which, on the one hand, is good because that gives me more time before potential bone loss (osteoporosis) /cardiac issues/risk of breast cancer increase. On the other hand, it means that I still get to struggle with PMS whenever a cycle decides to happen. And who knows when that will be? Meanwhile, this doctor's office and I have been battling the insurance company for two weeks to try to get a particular prescription for my chronic congenital condition covered. I do not have enough spoons to bird-dog this. Must keep trying.

Cardiology: I lose! Oh, how I lose. Despite all of my efforts -- exercise and diet, lean meat, all the green leafy vegetables, 30 grams of fiber a day, olive oil, all the heart healthy things -- my cholesterol is still crap. Such crap. I think it's pretty clear I'll need to address this with meds, no way around it. Need to protect myself from future disaster. But I am not happy. And in all honesty, I feel like a failure. Like it's a moral failing. I suck as a human being and am apparently incapable of doing the right things to make myself right. 

(I will probably have to get past that sentiment. It's not helping. It is, however, how I feel at the moment.)

In the background to all this, let's not forget dermatology, because my face still is tender from the repair from the last MOHS -- and the repair was not ideal, as it has left an unsightly area that should probably be addressed again. I am putting that off because I just Cannot. Even. I do have a dermatology appointment at the end of this month, for the bi-annual skin review to make sure nothing new has popped up that warrants treatment, so I will bring this issue up again then. In the interim, I get to see it every time I look in the mirror.  Good times. 

Overarching all of it is the chronic migraine situation. It's really hard to be optimistic and let things roll off your back when your head hurts. So often. I might find a different neurologist and try again, because I am not sure that the current throw different meds at things and see what sticks is a good treatment plan. However, change requires spoons that I once more do not have. 

Right now, I think it is my attitude that may be the most problematic. Being in A Funk is definitely not helpful, and I am not sure how to dig/climb my way out of this particular Pit of Despair. It also fuels that tiny ugly voice inside that whispers, your body is repellent and people are disgusted by your physical proximity. That voice needs to just shut the f*ck up and go away. I do not want to hear it any more. Am I really so terrible? Who knows? I can see only through my own eyes, and my view is very jaded at the moment. 

Maybe I'll find a place to go for a walk outside today. That might help. 

One step at a time.