Both

 Somewhat adult theme today. You have been warned!

Am I too old to listen to music like this? 

Today's earworm: Both, by Todrick Hall. 

I encountered this song first on TikTok, in the context of content creators who switch between masc and femme presentation. Though my inclinations are pretty traditional and binary-oriented, I can appreciate the efforts and creativity of those who explore beyond the binary. 

I find myself thinking, I'm so proud of this young generation that eschews traditional gender presentation. They explore, they push limits, and most of all, they enjoy themselves while doing so. Good for them.

Company

They really seem to enjoy one another's company for small stretches of time.

If only he would stop trying to mark his turf by peeing on her. 

Fortunately, she doesn't seem to mind. But still. Ew.

It's Decorative Gourd Season!

 

So many questions about this name.

They can't help being warty.

So many options!

Whew

 Herself speaks.

On the heels of the catastrophic migraine of last weekend, we launched right into revision of the last MOHS surgery site on Monday. The revision was necessary because the site had closed in an uneven manner: unsightly. (Ah, the silver lining of the Pandemic --  being able to wear a mask over my nose on the rare occasion I am out in public.) 

The revision was surprisingly unpleasant, given that I've had two previous MOHS surgeries on my nose and should be accustomed to the sensations. Perhaps it was because this surgery required two layers of multiple sutures and a lot of fiddling around in general as the dermatologist sewed things up -- the previous MOHS, which left the site open to heal over gradually by itself, did not include the same level of manipulation -- but there was much more bruising and pain this time. It also took until Thursday to really see exactly what the scar might look like, given the swelling and leftover bleeding/oozing. (Yuck.) It should probably look fine, eventually. At any rate, it will look better than the previous lumpy scar.

It can be hard to focus on work when the middle of your face hurts. Everything I've accomplished this week has been done by sheer brute force: pick a task, peck away at it until it is done; pick the next task, peck away at it. It's a lot like climbing a mountain -- one foot in front of the other, step by step. It has been... tiring.

I'll get there. 

-----

The hardest part of migraine or post-skin-repair-recovery, or any other literal or metaphorical pain encountered, is the child-like desire to have someone else mitigate the distress somehow. Help me. But what is to be done? I take what meds need taking, I clean and bandage the surgical site, I try to prepare myself nutritious meals and to get sufficient rest within the confines of my resources and my responsibilities. I listen to my emotions, identify them, acknowledge their presence. That's all that can be done. 

Pointing out to someone else that I am suffering, whether from physical or emotional pain, does not yield amelioration; people are busy, have their own lives and their own sufferings, and also their own limitations. They do not have the capacity or ability to help. If I don't expect any help, I won't be disappointed. I'll just move forward as best I can. 

Things will get better. One day at a time.

Rabbit Haiku

When a rabbit feels

Unsafe and unprotected 

Where does she shelter?

She needs a respite -

A place of security,

Some rest, and some peace.

Never Forgotten

Today, I removed Tiny Dog's photo from the lock screen on my phone. Because My Heart. It was time. 

I will always remember you, my beloved Tiny. 

Amicable

The Things I Cannot Have

 Herself speaks.

I had an extremely powerful Migraine yesterday. (Fortunately, that type of migraine is relatively rare for me; I usually have much more mundane headache or lower-case migraine.) This kind of migraine is the one that I think of as catastrophic -- the kind that is the reason why I keep a bowl and a towel in my car, so that if I vomit, I will be prepared; the kind that pins me to the spot (be it the couch, or preferably, the bathroom floor with a pillow) because any movement will provoke the nausea and dizziness further. The kind where I make promises to myself that I will do better, try harder to avoid triggers, anything, please just make it stop. 

It does eventually stop. I am 75% better, 36 hours later. I have been able to eat, and took a short walk. I attended a Zoom meeting (which, fortunately, did not require too much active participation). I picked up groceries. I cleaned the bunny pens. I have accomplished so little of what I had planned this weekend, but right now, I will have to be satisfied that this is enough for today. Because catastrophic does require a bit of recovery time. Perhaps tomorrow I will be even better. I hope so.

-----

As I lay on the bathroom floor yesterday, willing it to stop, I found myself realizing that I have once more found myself without an adequate support system. Beloved Husband was away on a much-anticipated trip with two friends; the one adult Offspring living at home was at work. I had no one to call to ask to please buy me some lettuce and tend to the bunnies; or even to hand me some cold water in the hopes that would help the nausea. I really would have benefitted from some having another adult -- an adultier adult -- to care for me.  I was very much Alone.

Ten years ago, when I had also found myself Alone, the Universe saw fit to deliver to me a handful of friends. It was such a blessing. Yet in the decade since then, some of those people turned out to be not my friends at all, but rumor-mongering two-faced individuals who impugned me and people important to me; and others, though well-intentioned, moved away or dropped out of sight. Ultimately, those things did not matter much, for I kept one friend, my most Cherished Friend, and that was enough. 

Now he is Oceanside, and I cannot ask him to help me or invite him to run mundane errands or to go for a walk as we once did when he lived in my fair city; and I cannot even visit him and peruse the used bookstore or play Scrabble or go for a hike as we once did when he lived in his own corner of the southwest. And even though I am, as always, glad for him that he is near the water and pursuing his dream of sailing and making a new life for himself Oceanside, I am once more bereft, because my Friend is not here.

I need to make some more friends, this I know. Or at least Reliable Acquaintances. I need somehow to formulate a Plan for identifying like-minded people who are nearby, who do not need much from me (because I have Little to give at the moment), and with whom I can do small things or whom I can call if I need an occasional head of lettuce.

And I know that it is childish for me to think I don't want NEW friends, though. I want my OLD friend. 

I do not want what I cannot have.

Photo Copyright 2020, 2021, Mediocria Firma.

All rights reserved. Used with gratitude.

Hello There

It is remarkable how rabbits have different personalities. Right now, they are behaving like unruly toddlers.

The lady bunnies continue to squabble when together, so we are keeping Mr. Mustache and Smudge separated from Poppy; they can see one another and smell one another, but cannot physically interact other than touch noses from one side of the pen to the other. 

Meanwhile, Mr. Dad-Bun is staying with us for a while because of Circumstances. We think that he and Poppy may get along -- she has been cautiously interested in him from her side of a protective barrier, and he has been Very Interested Indeed in her. Perhaps we shall see what happens if they are allowed to spend unencumbered time together. Fingers crossed that it will go well. 

Chapped

Oh, dear. 

Flowers

"If you need help with anything, just let me know."

Ah, if only I had the mental wherewithal to determine what can be delegated, and delegate accordingly.

Perhaps someday, when there are fewer Things to think about. 

In the meanwhile, I have decorated the sculpture in the front yard. Because when life is complicated and things are hectic, a few flowers -- even fake ones -- bring a little brightness to everything. 

Sculpture copyright 2021, Real Forgery.

Adventure Awaits

 Herself speaks.

Early in the wee hours of this morning, Offspring the Second set fully into motion his carefully-thought-out plan to relocate to Another State. He contemplated his options and all the permutations, packed minimal possessions, and off he went.  

I am bereft for myself, for I had become accustomed to his presence, and his absence in the household will be large.

I am happy for him, and I hope that all his plans and dreams come to fruition, even better than he hopes.

Good luck, Offspring the Second. I love you tremendously. You are brave, and bright, and determined. You will go far.

A photo of just his taillights as they disappeared around the corner.

Best of luck in all your adventures, Offspring the Second.

Take One

Herself speaks.

Yesterday was the first day that I had to give myself the new self-injectable migraine meds. It went smoothly. Go me!

I feel like the meds are helping a bit. Let us hope they continue to do so.

Donut Flashback

Ten years ago: Tiny Dog makes a wee donut shape in the dog bed. So small. And so endearing. 

Natural

 When things are difficult, sometimes it's necessary to listen to music at a volume designed to drown out everything else inside my head.

Today's earworm: Natural (Imagine Dragons). So very loud. It works.

Bunloaf

Changes

 Herself speaks.

This past weekend was filled with aiding two people close to me with preparation/implementation of some Big Steps In New Directions in their lives. I won't discuss the details here, for they are not my stories to tell. Suffice it to say, it's a time of Change.

While I am indirectly impacted by the upcoming transmutations, my role here is to be as supportive as possible. It is not a time for my feelings about anything. Just for my aid where aid is needed.

I'm a bit drained. That's OK, though.

The hardest part through it all, is realizing how very much I would like support myself. I don't know what to ask for, or how. 

I need the most rudimentary of things: a hug, a meal prepared by someone else. Or even someone to take me by the hand and tuck me in bed early to get some rest. 

I'll take my own hand, and do what I can. 

Texas

Serious topic today - abortion. You have been warned.

Texas, where the powers-that-be prohibit requiring children to wear masks in school. Texas, where the powers-that-be prohibit some of the same children -- for according to Texas Family Law, an individual under 18 years of age is a child -- from obtaining abortion services, since abortion beyond about six weeks (a time point where most individuals don't even know they are pregnant) has been outlawed. And the Supreme Court, through inaction, let the law stand. 

Abortion care is necessary health care. I won't spell out the numerous reasons, because I am too angry to do so. There are plenty of other sites that will provide those explanations. 

I don't have to explain how people become unexpectedly or unwantedly pregnant; you can easily imagine all the ways. (Especially if you are a woman -- we spend most of our lives thinking about how not to become pregnant, and a mere fraction of our lives thinking about how to actually become pregnant.)  Remember to include pregnancies due to rape, abuse, coercion. And don't forget, too, those expected or wanted pregnancies that go wrong somehow. 

I don't need to give examples of who might need an abortion, or why. Reasons are as varied as women are themselves -- economic, societal, personal; for safety, be it physical or mental; for health (or lack thereof), of woman or of fetus. So many reasons. 

No one contemplates abortion lightly. I think about all the women I know who have chosen to terminate a pregnancy, and not one was flippant or casual about the decision. It is always a serious matter. Those of us who have never found ourselves in circumstances where abortion was one of the contemplated options, can consider ourselves lucky. I know I do. 

To be able to exert control over one's body and one's biological destiny is paramount. 

Abortion in Texas has become the domain of the privileged: those who can travel, those who have funds to seek out black-market care, will still be able to do so, for a price. Can't pay? out of luck. Back alleys return. Abortion has become much more dangerous. 

I think about the fact that mine is the only generation that didn't have to potentially die not to have a baby. 

We were so fortunate. 

And for those who wondered why we mourned the passing of Ruth Bader Ginsburg so much: Texas is why. This is it. 

Good Fences Make Good Neighbors

The lady buns are squabbling again. Tufts of fur, flying. Mr. Mustache is part frightened, part eager to join the fray. As long as there is a wall between them, though, they can tolerate some proximity. 

Critter

 I would be remiss if I did not mention this stunning, seven-inch-long centipede that undulated swiftly and with purpose across our campsite at the base of the mountain the first afternoon of our recent adventure. It was shocking and amazing. And yes, I did sit with my feet up off the ground for the rest of the evening.