Riding The Struggle Bus

I think we're all riding the proverbial struggle bus a bit right now. 

I know I am.

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I'm not sure what it is, exactly, that is making things that much harder right now. So many things. 

Much of it is Pandemic Fatigue -- no end in sight, number of cases rising rapidly, politicizing of the measures that keep us safe, and the edge of the plague inching ever nearer as people closer and closer to us fall ill. 

I worry about one of my Important People getting sick. And I worry about getting sick myself: I am still the Default Parent, the Default Person, the Auxiliary Brain, the person who listens and soothes and advises and takes care of all the Little Things -- and it would be perhaps even more devastating for me not to be available when they are in need, than it would be for them. This, perhaps, is the crux of the matter: the terrible weight of fear that someone I love will be in need, and I will not be able to be there. It weighs like a stone. 

Pandemic fatigue comes hand-in-hand with a blend of loneliness and boredom:  we cannot see the people we want to see, or go the places we want to go. 

I am having trouble thinking about what it will be like in the future when travel is again possible; it is painful to do so, because what I am missing now becomes all that much clearer. The most I can do is imagine is some distant time, some distant airport (for my parents, my siblings, my Cherished Friend are all thousands of miles from here), and that glorious moment when I finally lay eyes on them in person.  

I also look forward to a time I can visit one of my Happy Places -- Carlsbad Caverns, White Sands, the woods of northern New Mexico (perfect for hiking). To be out in nature, to have a respite from Work and Worry, to find that moment of peace. These are the things I long for most now. And my heart grieves that these things are out of reach. 

I know this state of affairs is temporary. We'll get through. With no clear end in sight, though, it is exhausting. 

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What I would like most, I think, is a Moment: a moment safe in the knowledge that the people I love are all OK; that no one needs anything from me; that I can relax my brain and think of nothing. 

Imagine how lovely that would be.