Reliable

I have been working on taking better care of myself. I am going to the gym fairly regularly, and trying harder to eat more nutritiously (and smaller portions). I am also trying to plan "Things I Would Like To Do" and then take steps to take those plans to fruition. It's a day-by-day process. Some days are more successful than others.

One problem I am encountering is my thoroughly-ingrained habit of putting the needs of others first. I am hesitant to make plans until I know what my Important People have for their own plans, in case they need something from me. I want to ensure I am available to them. I want them to know they can count on me.

They probably already know that.
Yet still I am afraid of not being there when they need me.

If I were to be completely honest, though, there is something deeper rooted there. For Reasons I am learning to identify, but about which I do not wish to write, I have a well-disguised fear of people not being there for me. And I compensate by working extra hard to make sure I am there for my Important People -- so that they will not have that same fear.

By protecting them, I somehow protect myself.

Perhaps, with some effort, I can embrace that fear and then turn outward to focus on my own self-reliance. I shall work on it.

We shall see how I do.