Let's talk about affectionate touch. And let's be clear: not sexual, but affectionate.
affectionate [uh-fek-shuh-nit] adjective: showing, indicating, or characterized by affection or love; fondly tender
Recently, we had visitors at the house. Both dogs were delighted to have additional laps in which to sit. New Old Dog likes very much to sit nearby to, or on, a person. He enjoys affectionate touch.
I am not always the same way, though.
One of our visitors was someone whom I do not like to touch me. There are some reasons there, but I won't unpack them here. Suffice it to say, that is just the way it is. Interestingly, this person appears to be quite touch-y toward me. It could be a natural outcropping of a touch-y personality (although in my assessment, the person does not seem to touch other people in the same way as they touch me). Or perhaps the person deliberately touches me because they know I do not like to be touched (it has been mentioned directly and specifically to them). I'm hesitant to attribute malignant intent, but it is not outside the realm of possibility.
Or perhaps there is something else going on. Who knows? I have not exerted the mental energy to try to figure out what the full situation is there. I'm just working on handling the situation.
The question arises: when does one person's desire to touch another person in an affectionate way, trump the other person's desire not to be touched?
I think: it never does. The person should find another way to show affection.
It's tricky, to be sure. Some people are naturally reserved and seem not to want to be touched very much. (Three people spring to mind: Offspring the First, Offspring the Second, and Cherished Friend.) Other people seem to enjoy frequent physical affection. (Offspring the Third, for example.) It is all quite individualized.
I work very hard to respect others' boundaries, and to look for signs of discomfort (proximity alert!) that might indicate I am invading someone's personal space. I admit that I stifle myself quite a bit and do not reach out a hand as often as I would like -- because, as I said above, a person's desire not to be touched should be paramount. And then I wonder, am I in fact depriving them of a welcome affectionate touch, out of concern that it will be unwelcome? I doubt myself and my ability to judge what might be acceptable to other people, in part because I cannot see clearly past my desire to show affection with a touch of a hand.
I might think too much about this.
I wish this were easier.
I'll keep working at it.
I am not always the same way, though.
One of our visitors was someone whom I do not like to touch me. There are some reasons there, but I won't unpack them here. Suffice it to say, that is just the way it is. Interestingly, this person appears to be quite touch-y toward me. It could be a natural outcropping of a touch-y personality (although in my assessment, the person does not seem to touch other people in the same way as they touch me). Or perhaps the person deliberately touches me because they know I do not like to be touched (it has been mentioned directly and specifically to them). I'm hesitant to attribute malignant intent, but it is not outside the realm of possibility.
Or perhaps there is something else going on. Who knows? I have not exerted the mental energy to try to figure out what the full situation is there. I'm just working on handling the situation.
The question arises: when does one person's desire to touch another person in an affectionate way, trump the other person's desire not to be touched?
I think: it never does. The person should find another way to show affection.
It's tricky, to be sure. Some people are naturally reserved and seem not to want to be touched very much. (Three people spring to mind: Offspring the First, Offspring the Second, and Cherished Friend.) Other people seem to enjoy frequent physical affection. (Offspring the Third, for example.) It is all quite individualized.
I work very hard to respect others' boundaries, and to look for signs of discomfort (proximity alert!) that might indicate I am invading someone's personal space. I admit that I stifle myself quite a bit and do not reach out a hand as often as I would like -- because, as I said above, a person's desire not to be touched should be paramount. And then I wonder, am I in fact depriving them of a welcome affectionate touch, out of concern that it will be unwelcome? I doubt myself and my ability to judge what might be acceptable to other people, in part because I cannot see clearly past my desire to show affection with a touch of a hand.
I might think too much about this.
I wish this were easier.
I'll keep working at it.
*
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