Find Me A Zookeeper

 Herself speaks.

As I have alluded before, one of the side effects of antidepressants has been more time to Think, and  also, to Feel. Parsing regular Feelings from depression is tricky. But when I sit back and look objectively at the whole picture, I understand that a regular person in my shoes would feel these Feelings. That's natural and expected. Life ebbs and flows. 

Right now, I am at a stage of midlife Grief that is hard to process: face to face with the realizations that there are things that I want, that will never come to pass; that my needs will not always be met; that the Universe requires each of us to find our own way in solitude, to prepare us for the possibility that those nearest to our hearts will not be there at a time when we yearn for them. 

Sometimes I want to say, No Thank You. This grief is so much. But if I can walk through this fire and come through the other side, there will be peace to be found. I just need to get there. 

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I had an annual visit with the cardiologist yesterday. He's a lovely tiny little man, so cheerful, so upbeat.  My heart is in good health, and he'll see me in a year. 

And I think to myself, it's broken, but it works just fine. 

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Between feeling the Feelings, and my many Responsibilities, though, I am having trouble accomplishing Routine Self-Maintenance. Things like exercising and eating right and looking after myself. I just... can't. It's the very last priority and completely uninteresting. 

This is why I need a Zookeeper. 

I need someone who will treat me like a cranky, middle-aged, slightly overweight, uncertain rescue chihuahua: provide me with a warm place to sleep, offer me nutritious meals to slowly slim me down to the right shape, take me for walks, make sure I have a spot to hide when I feel overwhelmed. Sit on the couch with me and watch TV, and partake in other forms of quiet enrichment together. Stuff me in a crate and take me to the vet when I need to go. Praise me when I do something right. And be happy to see me.

Maybe this is why I adopt medically needy/elderly pets: I want to give them the life I would like to have. 

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The challenge, of course, is to be my own Zookeeper. Can I do it? 

I can try. Can I?