Indigo

 TikTok occasionally pushes a particular song clip to the forefront of the algorithm. Right now, it's a snippet from Indigo (Sam Barber, featuring Avery Anna). It's a very sad song, far more grim lyrics-wise than I currently feel capable of listening to, though I like the melody and harmonies very much. 

There's one couplet -- from which the name of the song is derived -- that does stand out for me right now, though:

I used to shine bright like gold
Now I'm all indigo

This, I understand. 

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Once upon a time, I was a very warm person. Nothing made me happier than to tend to other people, to be kind without expectation of return, to be generous of my time and attention and care. People should be loved. It seemed simple.

Ah, but People. 

I am a very slow learner. The lessons have been unduly painful. But at long last, I have come to understand: People will take Everything.

People will take what is given, and take more than what is given, and take with expectation, and twist what is given for their own purposes, and take without thanks or understanding. Sometimes malignantly, because sometimes People are Terrible. Yet not always maliciously -- sometimes merely self-centeredly. Or because they Need. Or because they are afraid of Never Having Enough. Or because they are simply accustomed to putting themselves first. 

The end result: my warmth has been spent. I am cold and tired. 

I used to shine bright like gold, now I'm all indigo. 

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I do love the color indigo. I do not want to be indigo, though. 

I would like very much to feel safe enough to let out a bit of warm glow once more.