Be There

 Herself speaks.

Yesterday evening, I went to the services for a recently-deceased relative of my lovely mother-in-law. Though I didn't know the decedent personally, I'm glad I went, because my mother-in-law is a saint who walks among us, and she is deserving of all the love and support when her heart is heavy. 

As I drove myself there (and marveled at the miracle that is GPS, which allows me to venture forth to completely unfamiliar places where I would not have had the courage or wherewithal to go a decade ago), I thought about the fact that I would likely know virtually know one there, except for my mother-in-law, my very kind brother-in-law, and Beloved Husband. But ultimately, that would not be a problem because I was on a very specific mission: to be there for my mother-in-law. 

And as I drove myself home afterward, I thought about being there, and what it means. 

I was never actually taught how to be there. Different families cope with Feelings in different ways, and growing up and as a young adult, I was not witness (nor a party) to how one comforts a person experiencing grief or loss or Big Emotions of any kinds. Nor was I at all adept at making friends who might have been able to provide those lessons. I've done the best I can to figure it out along the way. 

I generally think that people are actually Terrible at sitting with other peoples' Feelings, especially sadness. That's not a criticism. People so often want to fix things -- especially if the things are Things that make people they care about sad -- and they just don't know what to do when things are unfixable.  So oftentimes, people just... make light, or offer platitudes, or ignore the pain. Or make the grieving person feel ashamed for an outward display of emotion. Or run away. 

My choice: to sit with other people in their Sorrow. 

Sometimes, a person needs their Sorrow to be heard and acknowledged, without criticism, and without judgment. And that is my mission: to hear, to acknowledge. To witness. To be there. 

That is the Person I would want there with me, in my time of Sorrow. 

Even at times when my own heart is heavy for its own reasons, knowing that I can be there for someone important to me, gives value and meaning to my life, and takes the edge off of my own individual sorrow. And that will be enough. 

What do we live for, if not to make life less difficult for each other? - George Eliot