Rear View Mirror

What a terrible year.

Goodbye, 2023. You were brutal. 

We survived, though. 

That's something.

On we go. 

Headache/Rest

Be There

 Herself speaks.

Yesterday evening, I went to the services for a recently-deceased relative of my lovely mother-in-law. Though I didn't know the decedent personally, I'm glad I went, because my mother-in-law is a saint who walks among us, and she is deserving of all the love and support when her heart is heavy. 

As I drove myself there (and marveled at the miracle that is GPS, which allows me to venture forth to completely unfamiliar places where I would not have had the courage or wherewithal to go a decade ago), I thought about the fact that I would likely know virtually know one there, except for my mother-in-law, my very kind brother-in-law, and Beloved Husband. But ultimately, that would not be a problem because I was on a very specific mission: to be there for my mother-in-law. 

And as I drove myself home afterward, I thought about being there, and what it means. 

I was never actually taught how to be there. Different families cope with Feelings in different ways, and growing up and as a young adult, I was not witness (nor a party) to how one comforts a person experiencing grief or loss or Big Emotions of any kinds. Nor was I at all adept at making friends who might have been able to provide those lessons. I've done the best I can to figure it out along the way. 

I generally think that people are actually Terrible at sitting with other peoples' Feelings, especially sadness. That's not a criticism. People so often want to fix things -- especially if the things are Things that make people they care about sad -- and they just don't know what to do when things are unfixable.  So oftentimes, people just... make light, or offer platitudes, or ignore the pain. Or make the grieving person feel ashamed for an outward display of emotion. Or run away. 

My choice: to sit with other people in their Sorrow. 

Sometimes, a person needs their Sorrow to be heard and acknowledged, without criticism, and without judgment. And that is my mission: to hear, to acknowledge. To witness. To be there. 

That is the Person I would want there with me, in my time of Sorrow. 

Even at times when my own heart is heavy for its own reasons, knowing that I can be there for someone important to me, gives value and meaning to my life, and takes the edge off of my own individual sorrow. And that will be enough. 

What do we live for, if not to make life less difficult for each other? - George Eliot

End-of-year Meme

Too soon? Hopefully, not inviting the last few days of 2023 to be more wretched. 

It's been... a long year. 

J'apprends

Joyeux Noel

Best Bumper Sticker Yet

Blessing For The Longest Night

All throughout these months

as the shadows

have lengthened,

this blessing has been

gathering itself,

making ready,

preparing for

this night.

It has practiced

walking in the dark,

traveling with

its eyes closed,

feeling its way

by memory

by touch

by the pull of the moon

even as it wanes.

So believe me

when I tell you

this blessing will

reach you

even if you

have not light enough

to read it;

it will find you

even though you cannot

see it coming.

You will know

the moment of its

arriving

by your release

of the breath

you have held

so long;

a loosening

of the clenching

in your hands,

of the clutch

around your heart;

a thinning

of the darkness

that had drawn itself

around you.

This blessing

does not mean

to take the night away

but it knows

its hidden roads,

knows the resting spots

along the path,

knows what it means

to travel

in the company

of a friend.

So when

this blessing comes,

take its hand.

Get up.

Set out on the road

you cannot see.

This is the night

when you can trust

that any direction

you go,

you will be walking

toward the dawn.

—Jan Richardson,

from The Cure for Sorrow: A Book of Blessings for Times of Grief

Morning Walk

Inflection Point

 Herself speaks.

Sometimes, there is a moment in time which turns into an Inflection Point: life's trajectory bends one way beforehand, and angles off in a different direction afterward. Such moments may be invisible -- like in the movies, when the protagonist stops to tie a shoe, and misses the fateful bus that would have crashed and cut short an otherwise long and fruitful life. Or they may be profound, as when the villain is at last defeated and the villagers can finally begin to live in peace. 

Or, the moment can be a conversation that causes reevaluation of history, as well as reassessment of how to move forward. Did I do the right things? What are the right things? Did I do all I could, given the information I had? What happens next? 

I participated in one of those conversations this past weekend. It's not (solely) my story to share, and so the details won't appear here. Still, the earth's axis has shifted ever so slightly, and I find myself just a bit uncertain as to where I am. With time, the new pathway will become clearer. In the meanwhile, I am trying to corral a multitude of Feelings run rampant. 

Perhaps I should just let them run for a bit. 

The only thing I know at the moment is: I have always done the best I can. (I think that's what everyone does, really.) And that's what I'll continue to do. 

Store Your Heart

Herself speaks.

It was a nice day today, so I thought I would do some tidying-up around the outside of the house. I decided to tackle the side yard, for starters.  I threw away accumulated miscellany, and made room in a storage bin for one of Offspring the Third's metal works -- the anatomically-correct heart sculpture. It no longer pumps fluids (thank goodness), but the framework remains intact. I enjoy this piece of art. It speaks to me.

Someday, I would like to own a little piece of land somewhere, and put a tiny house on it -- perhaps a single-wide, or a camper-trailer, or some other sort of cabin or miniature abode. Just enough for a sanctuary to call my own. And I will install this heart on it, make it my Heart Haven, and only those who bring me peace will be allowed to visit me and the heart sculpture there.

Until then, I'll store the heart safely, where it will be unharmed by the elements. A lot can happen to a heart, unexpectedly, even if it's seemingly secure -- best to keep it where it's most likely to be protected, just in case. 

Remind Me

Found my current theme song:  Remind Me (Meghan Trainor).

Lost
Where'd my powers go? Hmm (go, go)
It's like I've forgotten all the good I've done before

And my thoughts stay running, running (running)

The heartbreaks keep coming, coming (coming)
Oh, oh, oh somebody tell me that I'll be okay

Come and find me (find me)
Help me put all this behind me (behind me)
'Cause all that I need is inside me (inside me)
Only your love can remind me (remind me)
Remind me (remind me)
Come and hold me (hold me)
All my emotions unfolding (unfolding)
Tell me you'll always stand by me (stand by me)
I need you to remind me, remind me

Remind me I'm pretty
Remind me I'm loved
Remind me that I am way more than enough
And take all this pain, throw it away
Remind me that I'm gonna sparkle again

Come and find me (find me)
Help me put all this behind me (behind me)
'Cause all that I need is inside me (inside me)
Only your love can remind me (remind me)

Remind me (remind me)
Come and hold me (hold me)
All my emotions unfolding (unfolding)
Tell me you'll always stand by me (stand by me)
I need you to remind me, remind me

Current Mood

 This TikTok snippet from The Birdcage just sums things up so nicely.

(If the video doesn't turn up, you can always find the extended version on YouTube, here - the best part is at 2:12.) 

Windows

Before Carrie Underwood's Before He Cheats (or possibly around the same time, given when the videos appeared on YouTube) there was Jazmine Sullivan, Bust Your Windows.  This song came through my Pandora rotation for some reason, and now it is stuck in my brain. (We'll not contemplate how, when women are portrayed as angry about infidelity, they are a threat to men's cars, but when men are portrayed as angry about infidelity, they are a threat to women's lives. That makes catchy music seem much less fun.) 

At any rate, we'll just listen to this until it works its way out of our system. It's danceable! A good song for misplaced annoyance! Snappy! Enjoy. 

Scrabble, Level Four

 While I was in Oceanside, we played four games of Scrabble. I lost spectacularly in three of the games.  The fourth was a much closer game, and I lost by only a few points (there might be some quibbling about that particular game, because the word that pushed the win was one that I identified as being legal, but it was adjacent to a Words-with-Friends legal word of the same number of points, so I consider it to be a legitimate score). It was a Most Excellent Challenge, each time.

I really do try to win. I try my best. He just sees words better. 

I look forward to more Scrabble, next time.

Truly, Madly, Deeply

Gratitudes

 Herself speaks.

Typically in November, Facebook abounds with a month of postings about gratitudes, in keeping with the Thanksgiving theme of the month.  I did not participate this year, because I am (as is no doubt obvious) still quite mired in my own personal morass. Nevertheless, it occurs to me that if I take a moment here and there to reflect on the things for which I am in fact truly grateful, perhaps I might find a way out of the mental quicksand in which I so often find myself floundering. 

Let's do bullet points:

• Moments of meaningful purpose at work
• A hug that feels both genuine and unrushed (especially because, in this culture of youth and thinness, and in my current state, I feel so very... untouchable)
• Occasions when I can pay a genuine compliment to a stranger
• Undivided attention, and feeling heard
• Being outside, to enjoy trees, animals, nature
• Taking a walk or a hike with good company
• The right words, at the right time: to give them, or to receive them. 

These things seem small, but they are not. At all. As I grow older, the fewer things I want, and the more intangibles I long for. These are the things that are the most important to me. The things that quiet the rage and the grief within me, that bring me momentary tranquility. That lessen The Void. 

I am grateful for the moments of Peace that I can find. And for the people who bring them to me. 

Eels and Lobsters

Let's reminisce about Oceanside with a few sea creature photos. Behold, the eels and the lobsters. Nice. 

The Safety Box and the Switch

 Herself speaks.

Sometimes, I feel sorry for my car.

I have many things to do. House things, volunteer work things, family things, work things. I do a fair amount of running around. One of the few times that I have a moment to myself, is when I am moving from Point A to Point B during my day: in other words, when I am in the car. It's a rare time of reflection, when I can contemplate the thoughts or feelings that I have suppressed due to lack of opportunity to allow them the proper space for air. And unfortunately, the thoughts and feelings that surface are, inevitably, the hard ones. Especially if the drive is long and the road is quiet. 

There are the ones that make tears come to my eyes. Or -- thinking of you, bar exam -- rip a scream from my throat. Or drag a wordless wail of sorrow from the depths of my soul: the pain of loss, the grief of knowing that I cannot have simple things that I long for. Only in the confines of the four walls of my car, alone, with the buffer of the wind surrounding me and the highway rushing past, am I safe to let go. 

My car has heard so much. I am sorry, car. No one should have to listen to that kind of human noise.

Inevitably, I arrive at my destination, and my moment to myself ends. There are likely People at my destination, and obligations, and things to do. 

Time to flip the switch. Turn off the Feelings. Dry my face, leave the safety of the box, and enter the world once more. Composed. Ready. 

We do what we have to do.

Visit

 Herself speaks.

I was finally able to make my pilgrimage to Oceanside and spend a few days with Cherished Friend. 

It was delightful.  In this world of ever-increasing uncertainty, it is so comforting to find him to be Himself, as he always is. My most Cherished Friend. 

I struggled a bit to stay in the Moment during the visit. I am more aware than ever of the ephemeral nature of everything, and I had to reign in my mind and keep it from wandering into the not-too-distant-future when I would be leaving again. I also had a hard time with keeping at bay, what can be described as Fear Fleas: tiny little biting worries that would pop up into the conscious, attempting to distract me from the joy of being in Oceanside.  You are boring. You are needy. He will grow tired of your presence and will be relieved when you go. You rely on him too much. You are all take and no give. 

What do you have to offer a person like him? Why does he even put up with you? 

Only he really has answers to those questions. I hope, though, that despite all of the Very Hard Things I have been struggling with this year, he has nevertheless been able to see that he is, as always, one of my most favorite people on the planet. That listening to him talk about what is on his mind, is one of my favorite things to do. That I value his opinions, his thoughts, and his company. I don't have a lot to give right now, but I happily give what I can to him. 

-----

I already miss his soothing presence. I try not to think bitterly of how I would just do so much better on a daily basis if I saw him more often, because that is not To Be. I'll just have to carry little pieces of the moments in Oceanside with me, and hope they will buoy me through. I'll think about my Cherished Friend sitting in his chair, and I'll look forward to the next visit. And I hope that he will look forward to it, too. 

Friend

Barbara Manatee

Barbara Manatee. And baby manatee.