Appearances

Conversations between N and Herself (H), with commentary. 

Conversation 1:

N: I saw this girl at the vet's office the other day. She was just SO FAT. I worry about her health.

H: I'm sure she knows it's not good for her health to be fat.

N: She's making life so much HARDER FOR HERSELF.

H: I'm sure she knows that, too.
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I do not believe for one moment that pointing out a stranger's level of obesity is a legitimate concern for that person's health. It is just another permutation of fat shaming.

We overweight people know we are overweight. We know that our body mass impacts our health. Many of us are trying, with varying degrees of success and failure, to reach a more healthy -- or at least a more socially acceptable -- weight. We know we do not meet societal standards. We are often embarrassed by the amount of space we take up. We try to be invisible, because to be seen reinforces the possibility that we are unacceptable.

We carry enough shame with our pounds. Spare us your "concern" about our waistlines. Just be kind.

Conversation 2:

N: [Unsolicited] Have you considered cutting your hair back to shoulder length?

H: [Momentary surprised silence]

N: [Rushed] I mean...  you are a beautiful woman and you have elegant bone structure, and your hair looks okay like this too... but how about some more shaping and layers?

[Contemplation of defensive statements, followed by change of topic]
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Let's be realistic: by societal standards, I'm not a beautiful woman. I do not have noticeably admirable bone structure. I'm middle aged and rather plain, overly ruddy, prone to being toothy when smiling and to having my chin disappear if I hold my head the wrong way. I have a loud unladylike laugh. No amount of artful flattery will disguise when particular statements are said purely to "soften" other commentary which can be summed up as I think you need to change a particular aspect of your appearance.

I generally like my hair. I admit that it is a nice color purely due to the careful ministrations of the very talented Ruben. Though I subjected my hair to perms like all the other girls in the 1980s, it never took a curl properly, so I now wear it in its natural, extremely straight state (except for when it mysteriously takes on the occasional wave in very humid weather).

I prefer to wear my hair up when I am working -- I need it out of my way to think hard. I wear it down only when I am relaxing. I do like to run my fingers through it, because it is long and has a nice texture. It is like a portable security blanket.

It is fine the way it is. I do not want to change it. Nor do I want unsolicited suggestions about it.

Thank you. That is all.