Borders

Herself speaks.

You may recall that Thursday morning, I had an ultrasound to follow up on the breast lumps we have been watching. It was fine, no more uncomfortable than usual. No big deal.

The phone rang just a bit after 8 AM Friday morning. That's slightly unusual, although my sister does occasionally call early since she is in a different time zone. I looked at the caller ID. It was my doctor's office. I knew immediately that something was afoot.

The caller let me know that the ultrasound results were in, and that there is a lump that has grown a bit, and it has irregular borders. So the doctor was sending orders for a biopsy.

Two words stuck in my head: Irregular borders. Every other lump I have had -- including those I had removed as a young woman -- has been neatly spherical. Not so, this particular lump. In medical jargon, it's "suspicious."

I tried for much of Friday to schedule the biopsy, but the paperwork hadn't landed on the proper desk yet. It should be there by Monday, and I'll schedule as soon as possible. It'll take at least a week for those results to come back. They'll want me to get those results from the doctor in person.
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I'm not sure what to think. On the one hand, I'd like to be positive: it'll be fine, it's probably just a weird nothing-to-worry-about.  On the other hand, I'd like to be prepared for the possibility that it is Something, so that if it's worst case scenario, I'll be mentally ready (or as ready as one can be).

While I was out shopping this afternoon, I bought a small binder and a folder for papers. In the event it is Something, I'll want to take notes, keep records, save printouts and such. If it's Nothing, I can repurpose the binder/folder for other things.

I went to my scheduled hair appointment today (keeping the grays away), and as I  sat there waiting for the dye to soak in, I thought about how I might rather lose my hair than lose a breast. If I knew hair loss was inevitable, I'd have my kind and sweet hairdresser just shave it down in advance, so I wouldn't be shocked when it fell out. I thought that I would ask Offspring the First, who is so adept with makeup, to teach me how to draw on eyebrows so I wouldn't look too strange.

I haven't gotten as far as contemplating surgical possibilities. I'll think about those later. 

I want to hope that these musings are unnecessary.  Perhaps, though, the contemplation is a useful exercise, because it gives me a feeling of Control over things that, right now, I cannot in fact control at all.

I think I will feel better once the biopsy is scheduled, because then at least I will know we are progressing along this new, unwelcome road. I'll travel it if I must.

We shall see what happens.

Whatever comes to pass, I will take comfort in knowing that no matter how ugly the road may become, there will still be flowers along the way.

Picture copyright 2019, Mediocria Firma. All rights reserved. 

Used with gratitude.