There have been several interesting conversations lately in the household regarding the definition of the term, "friendzone," and the circumstances under which which the term is employed. Offspring the Second and Offspring the Third (just recently having left high school and are currently plowing through the first year of high school, respectively) have provided a fair amount of insight. Herself is still slightly perplexed.
As best we understand it, the "Friendzone" is a self-categorization, usually by a boy or a man, with regard to a desired relationship with a girl or woman of interest. (We'll use 'guy' and 'girl' here for convenience, since that is a more comfortable nomenclature for individuals in the age group that employs the term, though we recognize that the words may stretched to encompass older individuals as well.) Typically, the scenario unfolds as follows: a guy is interested in a girl in a romantic- or sexually-attraction-based way; the girl in question responds to attention bestowed upon her by the guy in a manner that emphasizes that she is not similarly interested in the guy -- such as, for example, by telling the guy that they should be 'just friends', or, more subtly, telling him what a 'good friend' he is; and based upon his thwarted overtures, the guy proclaims that he has been relegated to the Friendzone. His male friends groan in sympathy.
We certainly understand that it can be rather soul-crushing when one is informed that a potential love interest does not share the same degree of attraction. It's impossible not to take that personally. Why is he/she not similarly interested? What's wrong with me? Did I do or say something to repel him/her? Is it just the way I am that is somehow unattractive? Even knowing -- as we eventually, painfully learn (usually after years and years of adulthood) -- that the mysteries and foibles of the human heart cannot explain why one person yearns, unreciprocated, after another, we still are hurt, angry, defensive. It is difficult.
Yet the question remains: why is the Friendzone such a terrible place? We propose that the Friendzone should be renamed. Let us call it instead, the "unrequited love zone." For to use the term "Friendzone" denigrates the word "friend," in the same manner as the word "just" does in the phrase, "just a friend." We know that the phrase, "just a friend," is typically used to emphasize that there is no romantic entanglement between a guy and a girl. Still, to tack "just" in front of "friend," or to describe a relationship as being in a "friend zone", diminishes the value of the word "friend" itself. A friend -- regardless of gender -- is a magnificent thing, indeed.
Herself could use thousands and thousands of her own words to describe a friend. Instead, let us borrow a few fine quotes that answer our questions nicely:
What is a friend?
to whom you are loyal,
through whom you are blessed,
and for whom you are grateful.
-- William Arthur Ward
No birth certificate is issued when friendship is born. There is nothing tangible. There is just a feeling that your life is different and that your capacity to love and care has miraculously been enlarged without any effort on your part. It's like having a tiny apartment and somebody moves in with you. But instead of becoming cramped and crowded, the space expands, and you discover rooms you never knew you had until your friend moved in with you. -- Steve Tesich
What does a friend do?
Close friends contribute to our personal growth. They also contribute to our personal pleasure, making the music sound sweeter, the wine taste richer, the laughter ring louder because they are there. -- Judith Viorst
Why have a friend?
Friendship is one of the sweetest joys of life. Many might have failed beneath the bitterness of their trial had they not found a friend. -- Charles Spurgeon
In this perpetually self-centered world, a genuine friend is a precious and rare person, to be treasured accordingly.
We suspect that the problem with the term Friendzone ultimately lies in the relationship between the genders. The eternal question: can a man and a woman be friends?
Herself thinks back to college: on the rare occasion when a guy expressed a romantic interest in her, if she did not reciprocate that sentiment, no matter how much she tried to be amiable afterwards, the guy displayed complete disinterest in having any interaction beyond the minimal amount required by social necessity. It was a perplexing state of affairs, an all-or-nothing attitude that left Herself wondering whether boys thought a girl had any value beyond date-worthiness (and, in bitter and plain-thinking moments, whether a girl had any value beyond the physical). The evidence pointed to a resounding "no."
Beloved Husband was the only man Herself ever encountered in college who, despite Herself's state of unavailability for dating when they first met, nevertheless made conversation with her, invited her to go watch a play in which he had a bit part, and generally behaved as though Herself was an individual with whom it was worth talking or spending a bit of time in a platonic manner. This quality of his was one (of the many) that Herself found to be extraordinary and wonderful: she felt that she had value as a person, value beyond the physical. Because she knew that he would never ask more of her physically than she was willing to deliver, she felt safe with him. It was a rare, marvelous sensation. Though their relationship clearly blossomed into romantic love later, it was rooted in the core of safety and personhood-value that Herself found in their friendship -- a friendship that continues unabated to this very day.
It was not until some two decades later that Herself encountered another man who displays a similar kind of trustworthiness: her Cherished Friend. As Herself developed the friendship with her Cherished Friend, though, she sadly discovered that it was not only the college boys of yore who seemed to hold the belief that guys and girls could not be friends. Several of her peers couldn't believe that she and her Cherished Friend have a platonic relationship -- or rather, her peers believed far too easily when rumors suggested that there was more than a platonic relationship. There were whispers of infidelity regarding Herself, quiet behind-her-back falsehoods to which she could not respond. In the minds of those who perpetuated the untruths, silence would be seen as confession, and any objection would be treated akin to "the lady doth protest too much, methinks" of Hamlet. Damned if she denied, and damned if she didn't.
Herself learned recently in passing during a conversation with one of the Offspring, that the falsehoods were also passed down to children of her peers, and that one of them raised the issue at one point with that Offspring. Though that Offspring didn't seem particularly bothered, it galls Herself tremendously that one (or more) of her Offspring was subjected to the rumors. While Herself is reasonably certain that no one specifically stated to them, "Your mother's a whore," she is enraged that her Offspring should have been exposed to such insinuations, and that they may have at some point felt the powerlessness of trying to refute the lies. Her only consolation is that she knows that the people most important to her know she is faithful. She tries to let the matter stay in the past where it belongs, and for the most part, she succeeds. Every now and then, though, it saddens and angers her anew, for that insinuation of her being "more than just friends" with her Cherished Friend, belittles the value of the friendship - a value is, in fact, incalculable.
As we contemplate the Friendzone, we are reminded again of the precarious dance that is the relationship between the sexes. It is eternally complex, perpetually confusing. If we can momentarily look beyond the physical, though, we may find that we are able to grow a unique and priceless connection: a friendship. Not "just" a friend, but a Friend. A human being who enhances the quality of our lives immeasurably. Fortunate are those who can find such a person.
We are all travelers in the wilderness of this world, and the best that we find in our travels is an honest friend. - Robert Louis Stevenson
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