Safety

When the Offspring were all very small, Herself taught them simple physical boundaries.  In particular, she specified:  "you do not need to hug or kiss anyone whom you do not want to hug or kiss."  No one. Not even relatives, family friends, teachers or peers at preschool or school.  She wanted them to understand clearly that each person's body belongs to him or her alone, and that they should never feel any pressure to tolerate physical touch that they did not want.  Part of it related to safety - she taught them as she did to try to give them tools to give a clear and unequivocal NO to anyone who might try to take physical advantage of them.  The other part was to instill in them the understanding that it is acceptable to refuse what makes them uncomfortable, to take care of themselves rather than to succumb to pressure to do what is contrary to their own wishes.

Now that the Offspring are nearly grown, it is clear that they have varying requirements and comfort levels with physical contact with other people.  Her impression is that Offspring the Third enjoys a great deal of physical contact; Offspring the Second prefers very little; and Offspring the first has a medium degree of tolerance.  She respects their boundaries; their needs in controlling their own physical selves are paramount, and infinitely far more than her desire to hug them.

Herself has quite a problem when she and the Offspring attend social functions at which individuals ask for a greater amount of contact (e.g., an extended hug) than Herself knows a particular Offspring would normally tolerate. When appropriate, she does her best to intervene or distract in a subtle manner, but sometimes, she must leave it to the Offspring - they are nearly adults, they want to (and sometimes must) handle things themselves. Herself grinds her teeth and imagines forming a protective barrier around them.

She faced such an event recently, when Acquaintance and Spouse stopped by Herself's house for a visit.  They had brought a particular, delectable type of confection. When Offspring the Second appeared in the kitchen to say hello, Acquaintance said to him, with regard to the confections, "You may have one, but you will have to hug me first."

Herself sighs. This is exactly the type of physical-contact-requiring-social-pressure she finds most bothersome. It might not have been a big deal -- or even a tiny deal -- to Offspring the Second, but it was to Herself.  Even though Offspring the Second delivered the requested hug with no apparent difficulty or aftermath, and even though Acquaintance might have appeared to some to be jesting and did not seem to mean any harm, the statement (request? demand?) disturbed Herself tremendously.  It was Not Right.

She managed to quip, "I didn't realize the confections came with strings attached."  Acquaintance quipped in return, "Yes, they do."  Indeed. Strings, strings.

Why was this so bothersome?  A lovely woman whom Herself knows through the beauty of the internet put into words precisely why this type of situation bothers Herself so:  it is a form of control and manipulation, as well as a judgment.

These kinds of statements ("give me a hug") are not, despite any protest to the contrary, done in a lighthearted manner. Rather, they are usually done to make a point - they are an attempt by one person to coerce another individual to do something that the individual doesn't like. Herself has had conversations previously with Acquaintance regarding the general dislike of hugging that Herself and certain of the Offspring have.  Nevertheless, it appears that in the opinion of the Acquaintance, Herself and the Offspring should just "get over" or "deal with" her or his own feelings (such as a general dislike of being hugged) and do what is requested (expected, commanded).  It appears that the Acquaintance feels that certain social niceties - such as prompt hugging upon entering a room - need to be instilled into the Offspring, and that an absence of such action constitutes both a failure on that Offspring's part to perform properly, and also a failure on Herself's part to instruct the Offspring properly.  Such Bad Behavior and Poor Parenting must be fixed by the Acquaintance.

It's never "just a hug."

Herself found herself thinking, "I want to go home," even though she was in her own house.  She wanted safety, protection.  At an opportune moment, she quietly slipped out to take a moment to herself out of the room, and then returned to the conversation.

What I know now is, Herself will need to build an internal place of safety for such events in the future.  It will take work, but it must be done.  Only by carrying Home within her, will she be comfortable.

The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned. - Maya Angelou

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