Frog

Found this on Facebook. Weird, but poignant. (I would leave out the "You have to try" though, because no, you don't. You just have to be. That is enough.)

Turtles

Herself speaks.

The community where my parents live is really lovely this time of year: leaves turning on the trees, yet still-green areas, with the water, the fountain, the turtles sunning themselves. There is a gently-sloping pathway along which to walk easily (either with our without a mobility aid), with plenty of benches for sitting and resting. If I lived in this community, I would take this walk and sit on a bench often.

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I'm struggling a little bit with emotions right now as we try to navigate my father's limited remaining time. I know what my emotions are and can name them; but what I cannot actually do, is feel all of them. Some of them come easily: compassion, patience. Some of them I cannot give voice to: anticipatory grief, for example. Part of me rationalizes that feeling those particular stifled Feelings does not actually change the situation, so it is not helpful to do so. Another part of me knows that it's not useful in the long run to squash down or deny the existence of those Feelings, so I should find a safe place and time to actually attend to them. 

I have reached an age (or stage) in life when I am not comfortable with feeling Feelings in front of other people. I don't want to be a burden. I especially don't want to be vulnerable. (This could be why, despite my recently-professed desire to make additional friends, I haven't made attempts to do so for ages.) Perhaps someday, I will be brave enough to do so. 

For now, I will ask the turtles to keep me company, while I contemplate All The Things.

Aspiration, Thwarted

 Herself speaks.

My aspiration was: after visiting my parents, I would swing Oceanside for a few days and visit my Cherished Friend before returning to my desert land. It's been about six months since I've last seen him. Far too long since the last time (but shorter, at least, than the nearly two years between the time when he left that corner of the desert and moved Oceanside, and my first visit), but I do the best I can. Work and Aging Relatives and Plague and Things have necessitated that I not gallivant across the country as often as I would have liked.

Fate has intervened, however, in the form of Hurricane Ian, and what was to be the day I flew into Oceanside, is now expected to be the day that Ian makes landfall right there. So no. Aspirations squashed. Flights cancelled, plans rearranged. Another time. 

I am disappointed. But unsurprised, because Life is this way. 

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I am reminded once more of my need to make additional friends. 

It would have been helpful, as I made the decision to postpone the trip to Oceanside, to be able to elicit sympathetic words from someone who understood how I had been looking forward to that sojourn and to spending time in the comforting and enjoyable presence of Cherished Friend. (Not something I feel I can say to him -- it is no doubt awkward and uncomfortable to try to say something supportive to someone who misses you. And I especially don't want to foist Feelings upon him.) 

There is the additional consideration that visiting my parents right now, as my lovely father grows frail and we all prepare for his inevitable journey to the Grey Havens, is emotionally fraught as well. I find myself wanting a hug, a consoling word, some thoughtful questions to help me parse my feelings. I do not want to weigh down any one person with the task of listening or holding my metaphorical hand in this time. If I had more friends, I could distribute the burden among them, and it would be easier for me (and them) to bear. 

What is the roadblock to friendship? Friends require give and take; friendship cannot be one-sided. Yet at this moment in time, my ability to give beyond what I already do is extremely limited. I have need, but I can only provide in limited amounts. And that is not a fair friendship. I am not comfortable offering so little to people, and I am afraid of people wanting more than I can give. I do not want people who try to rely on me, to end up disappointed. 

And so, I fold in on myself. I am Queen of Doing What Must Be Done. I will do The Hard Things, and carry my own burdens. One foot in front of the other. 

Yet, I will still work on putting in place more Aspirations, including an aspiration to find (and make) time with people with whom I can be contented. Because we all deserve a little happiness. Don't we? Even me. 

One day at a time. I'll get there. 

And Bird

Well done again, Facebook ads. These are excellent. 

Duck

Well done, Facebook ads. This is hilarious, and I would actually consider purchasing it.

Dog Company

Harbor