Offering

I made a poem going
to sleep last night, woke
in sunlight, it was clean forgotten.
If it was any good, gods
of the great darkness
where sleep goes and farther
death goes, you not named,
then as true offering
accept it.

― Ursula K. Le Guin

Picture copyright 2013, Mediocria Firma. Used with gratitude.

Falling In

Ottoman-shaped dog is vaguely ailing.

He has had a urinary tract infection for a while; it is slowly responding to antibiotics, and hopefully will disappear completely by the end of the extra week of drugs.  In part because of the infection, his blood sugar has been iffy; he has needed to have his insulin dose adjusted several times in the past month.  And he is slowly losing some of his fur:  the tip of his stumpy tail, his nose, the inside of his back legs.  We suspect he may have Cushing's syndrome.  It will require a specialized (and somewhat expensive) test to make that determination; the drug regimen for treatment, while not terribly costly, is a bit fraught and requires very close veterinary supervision.  Depending on the cause of the condition, prognosis can be considered guarded. Alas.

We are unsure whether to test or not to test.  He does not appear to be suffering; and that suggests that perhaps we should leave well enough alone.  We do want to give him the best possible quality of life; but multiple frequent trips to the vet and tinkering with drug regimens does not necessarily mean the best possible quality of life.  We shall see how he fares.

Sometimes we think, he needs to either be fine, or pass onward.  We know, though, that life is not that simple, and that we all will likely face decline -- some of it unpleasant -- as we age. Herself hopes that it becomes quickly clear when it is time to help ottoman-shaped dog cross to the next world.

Last night, Herself had a nightmare.  She dreamt that she and ottoman-shaped dog were out in the yard of an unfamiliar house. There were little hillocks and pits, and they were investigating.  Ottoman-shaped dog suddenly fell into a hole; it was tremendously deep, and he fell and fell and then landed at the bottom.  Herself thought he got up and shook himself off, but wasn't sure if he was injured from the fall.  She knew that he would be distressed to be so far away from her, especially given how he waits at the door whenever she leaves the house. The rope she had was not nearly long enough to be able to climb down to him.  She knew she needed to help him. She did not know how.  He was unreachable.

She woke up with a start. It took quite a bit of time before she could shake away the fear and dread that had ruptured the dream, even though ottoman-shaped dog was there, sleeping quietly at the foot of the bed.  She gave him a pat, and he stirred just a little bit, and sighed the relaxed sigh of a content dog.

Good boy.

Marvelous Little Things

Behold a flash drive that was lent to us to transfer some pictures.  It is exceedingly marvelous.  Sometimes, it is the little things that bring a ray of happiness into everyday life. 

While You Can

Child, child, love while you can 
The voice and the eyes and the soul of a man;
Never fear though it break your heart-
Out of the wound new joy will start;
Only love proudly and gladly and well,
Though love be heaven or love be hell.

Child, child, love while you may,
For life is short as a happy day;
Never fear the thing you feel-
Only by love is life made real;
Love, for the deadly sins are seven,
Only through love will you enter heaven.

- Sara Teasdale

Picture copyright 2013, Mediocria Firma. Used with gratitude.

Shelter In Place

I had never heard the term, shelter in place, until today, as four hundred thousand people in Boston and its environs have been asked to remain home while authorities search for the suspect in the Boston Marathon bombings. It is an astonishing and unimaginable situation.  We try to go about our business, and return again and again to the news, searching for updates, for explanations. None are yet to be found.

Again, we ask ourselves:  why? Again, we have no answers.

We bolster ourselves with stories about the emergency responders who jumped unwaveringly into action on the day of the bombing.  The helpers:  the EMTs, the doctors, the members of the military, and the ordinary people.  All hailed as heroes.

Heroes:  we crave them.  In times of darkness, when we do not understand why individuals have acted deliberately to cause mayhem and death, we long for visible signs that humanity is not yet lost.  We fear being left alone, confused; wounded, bleeding, grievously harmed. We yearn to know that if we are in the path of danger or destruction, someone will come to our aid.

To be abandoned: our most terrible nightmare.

Comfort us, protect us, help us.  Save us, our heroes.

Splendid

Let us take a much-needed respite from humanity, and contemplate nature. 

That is the earth, he thought. Not a globe thousands of kilometers around, but a forest with a shining lake, a house hidden at the crest of a hill, high in the trees, a grassy slope leading upwards from the water, fish leaping and birds strafing to take the bugs that lived at the border between water and sky. Earth was the constant noise of crickets, and winds, and birds. ― Orson Scott Card, Ender's Game

Picture copyright 2013, Mediocria Firma. Used with gratitude.

Lockdown

A pseudonym is used herein to protect the privacy of a local young man. 

Yesterday morning, there were helicopters flying over the neighborhood.  Many helicopters, close by.  The noise of the rotors began to be apparent mid-morning, and continued until just after 1 PM.  Herself wondered why they were there; yet she was busy with various tasks inside, and so, did not go outside to look or investigate.

Early yesterday afternoon, the phone rang.  It was a message from the automated system for the school district.  The local middle school -- which Offspring the Third attends, a half-mile from the house -- as well as the adjacent grade school had been momentarily put into lockdown earlier.  No reason for execution of the security procedure was given.  Herself thought of the helicopters, and checked the local newspaper website.  A brief article appeared, indicating that the lockdown had occurred, that one man was in custody, and that the man would be receiving a medical evaluation. Oh, dear.

Offspring the Third arrived home from school shortly thereafter.  "Did you hear about the lockdown?" he asked right away. 

"I did, I got the message from the school phone system, but they didn't say what happened. Do you know?"  

"They said a man was running around the neighborhood with a shotgun, threatening to kill himself.  They said it was a half mile from school, and I was worried about you because that is right where we live."  

"It's all OK now. He is in custody and they'll get him the help he needs."

Herself was surprised and dismayed at the thought of Offspring the Third worrying about her.  Children should not have to worry about their parents. The time for that should not come until they are grown and their parents are old -- not when they are barely teenagers. 

---

In the late evening, Offspring the Second came through the kitchen where Herself was sitting with Beloved Husband as he ate a late dinner.  Offspring the Second nudged Herself quietly and left the kitchen.  Herself understood and followed him.

He was sitting on a couch in the front room.  He looked stricken.  He said, ever so quietly, "The man who caused the lockdown -- was Guy."

Oh, Guy.

Guy and Offspring the Second were very close friends in grade school.  They have grown apart, as many friends do over time.  Yet they are still amicable.  Guy and his family live quite nearby, and Herself drives past their house a half-dozen times a week, if not more. 

Herself knew that she needed to offer comfort, reassurance somehow.  She told Offspring the Second that it's probable under the circumstances that Guy is having mental health issues or drug addiction issues, and she let Offspring the Second know that if it was allowed and if he would like, they could certainly arrange for him to visit Guy.  She told him that if there was anything he could think of that they could do for Guy's family, to just say the word, and it would be done.  Offspring the Second nodded, and then went back to his homework.  

Herself took Beloved Husband aside and quietly told him.  Beloved Husband looked devastated.  Heartbreaking, to see perpetually-upbeat Beloved Husband so distressed.  

Oh, Guy.

---

This morning, Herself weighed the odds that Offspring the Third would hear more about the lockdown.  It was likely that rumors or other information would be floating around in the student body at the middle school.  She knew she needed to talk with him.

She didn't want to tell him that it was Guy (whom he knows as an old friend of his brother) - she didn't know whether that would become public knowledge, and she certainly didn't want Offspring the Third to be the source of that knowledge being made public. So she let Offspring the Third know that the man is a young man who went to Offspring the Second's high school. She told him that it was possible that the man had been dabbling in drugs, and that he might have mental health issues as well.  She noted to him that there were two lessons to take from the situation:  first, to avoid drugs; and second, to remember that many people struggle with mental health problems, and that it is important to be understanding when they do.  

She further told him that individuals who want to kill themselves are usually in a great deal of mental pain, and that while some people think it’s selfish to want to kill oneself (to which he said, “WHAT? WHY?”) because they think the suicidal person is only thinking of themselves, it’s important to remember that someone in that much mental pain may genuinely feel the world is better off without them because they can’t see how much they are loved.

She asked him, as he strapped on his bicycle helmet to go to school, to keep an open mind and an open heart if he heard more at school today, and to try to set an example for his peers – not to judge, but to be kind.

That was a conversation that she never anticipated she would need to have. 

Later, when she and Offspring the Second were on the way to the high school, Herself let him know what she'd told (and hadn't told) Offspring the Third.  She wanted Offspring the Second to know that she did not judge Guy, that she looked on Guy with kindness and understanding.  She wants to be sure that if Offspring the Second -- or someone close to him -- struggles, that he knows she will be an ally.  Every teen should have faith that an adult will be there for them when the chips are all down.

---

When an anonymous man with a shotgun threatens to shoot himself near a school and the police swoop in, our thoughts go to dark and terrible places.  "Let him," we are tempted to think.  We remember Sandy Hook and we are still raw and fearful and wonder, what if the man's anger turned outward into the community rather than inward toward himself?  We cannot bear the thought.  The anonymous man is disturbed, unsafe, we think; thank goodness they took him away. 

And then, the anonymous man turns out to be an 18 year old man-child, the same age as one of Herself's own Offspring, a boy who once upon a time ate pizza and played his guitar in Herself's garage.  The impersonal is made very, very personal.  We are brokenhearted.

We think of Guy's friends, of his family, and cannot imagine the distress of seeing one's loved one suffer with inner demons that have burst forth in such a manner.  Herself thinks particularly of his mother, who is a smart, kind, no-nonsense, helpful and practical woman. She is a good person. A good mother. She loves him. We bleed for her, and for her child.

Not anonymous; rather, one of us.    

Every single person has at least one secret that would break your heart. If we could just remember this, I think there would be a lot more compassion and tolerance in the world.- Frank Warren

Picture copyright 2013, Mediocria Firma. Used with gratitude.